


The Awakening and The Strain

by singingmyheartsong



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Daddy Issues, Death, F/M, Family Issues, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hostage Situations, Implied/Referenced Torture, KotOR references, Minor Poe Dameron/Finn, Mommy Issues, Sexy Times, Slow Burn, Undercover Ops, alternative universe, so many feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 22:23:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 50,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6396253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singingmyheartsong/pseuds/singingmyheartsong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: What if it was Kylo Ren who went to Jakku and found Rey at Niima Outpost instead of Finn?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. All characters and places do not belong to me but to Disney and Lucasfilms. I don't want to be sued.
> 
> 2\. I'm not a fast writer, in fact I'm a painfully slow, perfectionistic writer so please bear with me on future updates.
> 
> 3\. I plan for some sexy times in future updates, so be warned now.

"Comfortable?"

The distorted voice belonged to the masked Kylo Ren. Poe has started to come to his senses. He's tied down, wrists and ankles, in an interrogation room. Interrogation. The First Order and the Resistance have very different ideas on what that means. Poe is groggy. That can't mean anything good. He could feel patches of thick blood all over his face, and a lick of his lips proved that to him. And while he could stomach the various pains, it wasn't helping him feel comfortable, that's for sure.

"Not really."

Kylo Ren stands before him, a creature of darkness cloaked from head to foot in black robes and shielded by an impersonal mask concealing any trace of the human beneath. The galaxy fears him and speaks of his many atrocities on behalf of the First Order. Poe knew them all too well. Ren's reputation would intimidate him, but they didn't call Poe the most daring pilot of the Resistance for nothing.

"I'm impressed," says the masked man. "No one has been able to get out of you what you did with the map."

Poe is less impressed. In fact, Poe had come to expect his current fate. He'd be more afraid, but the General made it very clear what he was in for when she ordered this mission. And, honestly, Poe would have done anything for the General and the cause.

"Might want to rethink your technique."

Poe flinches the instant Kylo Ren raises his hand. Though they never touch physically, through Kylo Ren's fingers, a searing probe enters Poe's mind and it takes everything he has in him to mentally shield the force-user. He knows it's no use fighting - Kylo Ren's strength is well beyond Poe's defenses - but still he tries.

"Where is it?"

Poe's mind puts up a hefty defense, but Kylo Ren doesn't want to fight and he doesn't have to. Kylo Ren could find the information he needs and be done with this, but he tries to give Poe a shred of dignity. Perhaps the invasion will humble him into submission. He'd rather Poe just give him the information willingly than to take it from him forcefully, but Kylo will do whatever is necessary and without remorse.

Poe struggles to respond and hold up the mental barrier. "The Resistance… will not be intimidated… by you."

Fine. If that's how the pilot wants to play it, Kylo can play along too. Another forceful probing knocks Poe off balance.

"Where… is it?"

Kylo is through playing nicely. He advances towards the strapped down pilot and his probing hand shakes in front of Poe's battered face. Through the force, Kylo rifles through memories, acquired knowledge, and thoughts but what he needs is behind the mental barrier Poe puts up. With a painful thrust, Poe screams as Kylo breaks through and retrieves what he is looking for.

The hiss of the cell door announces Kylo Ren's arrival to the occupants of the hallway outside the interrogation room. Clad in a pressed black suit but topped with sleek red hair is General Hux, anxiously awaiting Ren's news. However, the General has never felt anything remotely kind toward Leader Snoke's pet pit bull and certainly won't start now.

"It's in a droid. A BB unit." Ren's callous, distorted voice announces.

"Well then. If it's on Jakku, we'll soon have it." Hux replies, every word slathered in pretentious confidence. It gives Ren a headache.

"Leave that to me," Ren says and begins to stride away.

Hux's entire face scrunches in confusion. "You?"

Kylo Ren halts several feet ahead of the General, irritated to have to speak to him any further. "Is there a problem, General?" He asks as casually as possible, twisting only his masked face around.

"Since when do you and the Knights of Ren do reconnaissance work?" Ren can hardly stand Hux's incessant sneer.

He twists around and strides over until he is once again face to face with Hux. "How capable are your soldiers, General?"

Hux recognizes the slight and is defensive. A normal reaction to their interactions. "I won't have you question my methods."

Ren smirks behind his cold metallic mask. "One of your troopers never fired his weapon in the village. Perhaps Leader Snoke should consider using a clone army?"

Hux is downright offended. "My men are exceptionally trained! Programmed from birth!" 

Ren stifles a chuckle. "Put your hackles down, General. I'll retrieve the droid myself. Unharmed."

"Careful Ren," Hux warns, "that your 'personal interests' not interfere with orders from Leader Snoke."

"I want that map," Kylo snarls. "You understand the importance of this mission, do you not?"

"Don't take me for a fool, Ren," Hux huffs. "I want the location of Skywalker just as much as you do. Just because you knew the man…"

"Don't speak of him to me, General," Ren silences him with a tongue-lashing. "We both understand what is at stake here. Do you not trust me to be able to locate and retrieve a droid? Is your faith in the Knights truly so little?"

The look in Hux's eyes look bloodcurdlingly cold. "I have entire legions of troopers to retrieve any scrap of metal left on that junkyard planet. Nobody needs the Knights to slash their way through a planet simply for a droid."

Ren pauses. "I'm going to get that droid myself," he sharply says. "If you insist on deploying a few squadrons, then so be it, but I will be the one returning with the droid."

They part and the General huffs in annoyance. He can't stand Ren. Kylo strides away menacingly. He can't stand Hux.

Kylo's arrival on the planet was met with suspicion but largely he managed to cloak himself to his surroundings well enough. This mission didn't require his presence alerted. Ren figured the less intimidation the smoother the operation. He left his usual garb onboard and, reluctantly, decided to use his own face as a mask.

It just had to be a sandy junkyard planet didn't it? He wrapped himself thoroughly in lightweight fabrics, great for airflow yet shielding his skin from the harsh suns. Excellent for covering his face and blending in among the masses.

But where the hell is anything in this giant sandbox? Kylo took a moment of meditation, using the force to read life signatures. Niima Outpost. A strong presence of life out that way. A good place to start. 

As he travels, inconspicuously as possible, he gets an alert from the Finalizer. The pilot escaped in a TIE fighter, helped by a stormtrooper but they are still in process of verifying the trooper's identity. Ren knows which one. The one from the village. FN-2187. He doesn't report back.

Somehow, Ren is relieved at the screw up. It was one of Hux's men on Hux's watch. It brings a smirk to Kylo's covered face. Snoke will ream him for sure.

Snoke. The name leaves a nasty residue in his mind. Ren can lie to Hux all day long and the fool would never know better but it was much more difficult to sneak around without Supreme Leader Snoke reading his mind and seducing him back to the fight, thick into the fog of the dark side of the force.

As Kylo travels, he can't help but quarrel with himself. He feels the call to the light even still despite Snoke's heavy influence to the contrary. The truth of the matter is, Kylo just isn't cut out to be faithful to either side of the force. His actions and feelings are too contradictory. He loathes both of his masters, Jedi and Sith. Skywalker was impatient and demanding. He asks for self-control and personal sacrifice. Snoke promised the world and all its power but demanded servitude and his very soul in return. Both masters took way too much and left Ren with far too little.

The truth is, neither of these fights are truly his own. Ren longs for something he cannot quite name. Something he fears is unattainable now that his very soul has been so tainted and stretched thin. He longs for relief. But what that means, Ren has no idea.

The honest truth of the matter is, Ren wants that map before either side gets ahold of it. The race for Skywalker is his and his alone, and Ren will do whatever it takes to find him first. What he'll do or where he'll go from there, he doesn't know but he'll figure that out on his own.

Suddenly, a sign of life he can read with his eyes. Niima Outpost. There, just beyond the dune. So many life signatures. They're close enough and Ren is strong enough to scan for any traces of the BB-unit he was in pursuit of. Largely nothing. One is on the lookout as well. A First Order sympathizer. If Ren stretches his abilities just a little further he can catch the creature's name. Unkar Plutt.

He doesn't catch the force signature of the girl until he arrives at the outskirts of town. She has the round orange-and-white droid with her, too. By the time he catches up to her, Unkar Plutt had offered her sixty portions for the droid. A scam. The droid is easily worth a significant sum but with the added intel, the droid is practically priceless. This Unkar Plutt is a master scam artist.

The girl is interested in the offer initially -- grabbing at the packets greedily -- but she hesitates. The droid whirs behind her awaiting it's fate. Kylo Ren senses her hesitation. He can read her so easily. She's got force sensitivity, perhaps she doesn't already know it herself or she'd keep her feelings better concealed.

"Actually," she says, "The droid's not for sale."

She grabs a packet and walks away. "Come on," she calls to the droid.

Seeing her for the first time, Kylo Ren is overcome by her beauty and strength. She's lithe, poised, and confident. You can see it in her demeanor. She wastes little time and she knows what she's doing at all times. Scavenging has taught her to hold her own. All this Kylo learns in seconds.

But also her face. It's feminine, sure, but dirty -- a life of digging in the sand will do that -- but her skin is still smooth and youthful. Her body is wrapped from neck to feet in light tan cloth but her frame is skinny and lean. Malnourished, but strong. She dresses for efficiency and protection but not for anyone else. 

Kylo Ren feels an overwhelming sense of longing. A sense of loneliness. Perhaps she has no one else.

Unkar Plutt will not let the girl best him. "Follow the girl and get that droid," he demands over a communicator, slamming his service window door shut.

Kylo could easily pull the droid to him with the force but he doesn't. He could freeze the girl and the droid in place but he won't. He could use the force to manipulate her into giving him the droid but he's fairly sure she is not weak of mind. Instead he watches the girl and the droid walk away from the service stall towards him. He waits in the shadows practically paralyzed with curiosity. He likes how she walks. He likes the trio of buns her brunette hair is wrapped in. He likes her tenacity. 

The girl stops to converse with the droid. Does she know what she has in her possession? She must not. How did she stumble upon the droid? Why does the droid willingly follow her?

Then. He senses a disturbance. Thugs. The junk seller's. They're in pursuit of the droid. They cover the droid in a burlap sack and manhandle the girl. Kylo feels the intense sensation to save the girl and he takes a few steps out of the shadows in response to her imminent danger, but he finds himself surprised once again. The girl is armed with a quarterstaff and Ren is amazed to witness her wield it against her foes. She fights like a feral animal. Brutal. Ruthless. She whacks and smacks and bites and kicks. 

And she wins.

When the fight is over, the girl removes the burlap sack over the frantic BB-unit. Something about her gives him pause, a strange feeling. Kylo Ren, the infamously feared Sith apprentice, is intimidated by no one, but this girl… he needs to play this right.

It all goes wrong from the start. The girl's head whips his direction, a direction pointed out by the droid, and takes off for him like a blaster shot. It takes Ren too long to register what is happening, and she's quickly gaining speed and closing the distance. He runs around two stalls before she trips him with her quarterstaff and he lands roughly on his back.

"What's your hurry, thief!" The girl accuses. Her voice, throaty and pleasantly feminine, was rough and course with fury. The BB-unit rolls up next to her.

"Thief!?" Kylo responds, completely thrown off. The droid extends a metallic limb from it's round body and gives his leg a quick zap of electricity.

"Ahh!" Kylo gasps in response, "Stop it!"

"His master! This droid says you stole him."

The droid gives Ren yet another vindictive zap. "Stop it!" Ren shouts. "Poe Dameron, right? That was his name?"

The droid pauses in concentration. Kylo decides the easiest route is to tell the truth as much as possible and lie about the details. "The First Order captured him but he escaped. He didn't make it. I'm sorry."

The droid's rounded head slumps down his body solemnly and rolls away in mourning. A part of Kylo feels bad about the half-lie but he's gotten so used to lying as of late. He lies to Hux, lies to Snoke, lies to the First Order. What's one more half lie to a droid and a nameless girl?

The girl regards him curiously, lowering her weapon. "So… you're with the Resistance?"

The thought leaves a black cloud in Kylo's mind. The pathetic Resistance. And their leader… the thought of her leaves an even darker cloud over his mind. But let it be known that Kylo Ren never turned down a perfectly good opportunity.

He lifts himself off the ground. "I was a part of the First Order, but I couldn't do it anymore. They're cruel. Heartless. Vile. So I took this opportunity to escape. They're after this droid. I can't let them get their hands on it."

The girl regards him with much kinder eyes. "I've never met a First Order defector before."

Ren doesn't suppose she has. "We look like this. Well, I think I'm the only one."

She smiles at him and something inside of his chest flips. "BB-8 says he's on a secret mission, he has to get back to the Resistance base."

They both regard the droid, several feet away, "He's carrying a map that leads to Luke Skywalker and everyone is after it."

Ren doesn't know why he just let that slip out. A potentially costly mistake. Swiftly, he looks to the girl who stares at him with wide glittering eyes, "Luke Skywalker? I thought he was just a myth!"

He wishes Skywalker was nothing but a myth. Kylo regards her curiosity and enthusiasm with great interest much to the ignorance of his teachings. Such feelings stir up only trouble. But her enthusiasm troubles him too. At the very mention of his old teacher, her face lights up in wonder and awe. Ren cannot possibly match her fervor. He knew the man. Luke taught him how to be a Jedi. It was Luke that Ren first betrayed. How had a girl on sandy junkyard planet become so convoluted as to assume he barely existed? Kylo thought the story was as widely known as his own reputation?

Then again, the girl didn't seem to recognize him without his mask. 

Kylo is robbed of his chance to correct her when BB-8 rolls back and squeals out beeps and tones frantically at his new cohort. Ren wishes he had taken the time to learn the droid languages. He'd been avoiding it for years, assuming such lessons were far below him. The girl understands the BB-unit. Ren could kick himself for being so ignorant.

No translation is needed this time, however. Kylo sees it for himself. Stormtroopers. Hux's. His eyes roll to the back of his head. It was Kylo who said Hux could send down troopers if he pleased. Damn. They're talking to the thugs that ambushed the girl. Fingers point their direction.

Kylo urgently takes the girls hand despite her protests. Blasters at the ready, the troopers shoot carelessly, destroying droids and vendor goods all the while missing their mark. "I can run perfectly well without you holding my hand!" The girl shouts. Ren pulls her behind him until they are out of sight within a vacant vendor stall. He tries in vain to find a suitable weapon. If he draws his crossblade lightsaber, his entire undercover operation will be blown and he'll be back under the watchful eye of Snoke once more. 

"They're shooting at both of us," the girl says, exasperated.

"You're marked," Kylo remarks. "Does anyone have a blaster around here?"

The girl bends over and examines the droid. "BB-8, are you ok?"

A familiar sound. It perks up Kylo and he bends down to shush the girl and the droid. The sound gets closer. A TIE fighter has entered the fray. Fuck. Kylo grabs her hand once more.

"Stop taking my hand!" she roars but it falls on numb ears. Kylo needs to get them out and the ship he arrived in is too far away. He runs, dragging the girl behind him until he can think of a better solution. BB-8 whirls on behind them, managing to stay close.

Two groundlings are no match for a TIE fighter. Targets locked, the TIE fighter shoots and barely misses his mark. Kylo, the girl and the droid all fly through the air as the blasters create a gargantuan explosion, landing hard on the beige sand.

The girl stirs and examines the scene, terrified. She turns and sees an unconscious Kylo Ren lying on his back. She panics. BB-8 wobbles over towards them.

"Hey… hey!" She wishes she knew his name, but nudging him will have to do for now. 

Through the fog, Kylo awakens to the lovely sight of the girl. "Are you ok?" He asks with genuine concern, which should bother him, but the state of things at the moment leave his brain a little preoccupied.

The girl, though, she's temporarily stunned. This perfect stranger asked about her own wellbeing, a question no one has ever bothered to ask before. It takes her a moment to snap out of her reverie and reply, "Yeah."

Taking her hand, they run like the wind with BB-8 not far behind. TIE fighters shoot explosive blasters left and right, with Ren, the girl, and the droid managing to outrun them.

"We can't outrun them," Kylo shouts in panic.

"We might in that quad-jumper!" The girl shouts back, pointing to the compact but quality built red vessel ahead of them.

It comes to Kylo's attention that he hasn't flown a ship like that in ages. "We need a pilot!"

The girl flails her arms dramatically, "We've got one!"

"You?" Yet again, the girl surprises him with her many talents. Ren sees a hefty ship, partially concealed in the foreground. "What about that one?"

"That one's garbage!" She shouts. Something about that ship calls to Ren.

Suddenly, the compact and shiny red quad-jumper in front of them explodes.

"The garbage will do!" The girl says and together they run off into the more sizable but obviously outdated grey metallic beast of a ship.

It's not until they walk inside that Ren realizes why it called to him and he's left stunned and speechless. Close to tears.

The girl pays no attention to him and heads straight for the cockpit. "The gunner pit's down there," she calls to him, oblivious to his state of mind.

The sound of two TIE Fighters overhead snaps him out of his reverie, but Ren is still quite shaken up. The memories of this place… how in the hell did it end up here in this desert junkyard? Kylo manages to make his way to the gunner's pit. He was never allowed to sit here as a child regardless of all the tantrums he threw. Somehow he can still hear them arguing about it and chiding him for his petulance.

"This ship hasn't flown in years," Kylo mutters to himself, the gravity of the words sinking into his chest. This ship doesn't belong here. He closes his eyes and summons the force to guide him. "I can do this… I can do this…"

Up in the cockpit, the girl flips on switches and mutters to herself, "I can do this… I can do this…" She pulls the lever and the ship lifts itself up, but barely. Tarps fly off as the ship tips left and then tips right. The girl pulls at anything in attempt to level the ship, but it's flying to erratically. Eventually, it demolishes an archway before blasting away with the two TIE fighters tailing it.

Kylo senses a choice here, one that must be made now and cannot be taken back. He doesn't personally know the pilots manning the TIE fighters, but they certainly are First Order soldiers. If he fights them then he truly will have broken ties with his First Order colleagues. Kylo can sense that he hasn't been made yet. They think he's just another Jakku civilian like the girl. Perhaps he can convince the girl swing by his original vessel so Kylo can blow it up and make it look like he had been killed. He can give himself a head start.

So be it. Kylo Ren is nobody's war puppet anymore.

She's trying to take the ship to high ground. It's a mistake. "Whoa! Whoa. Stay low!"

"What?" She shouts from the cockpit.

"Stay low! It confuses their tracking!"

The ship dips as the girl attempts to bring the ship down from stratosphere into the troposphere.

"BB-8, hold on! We're going low!" She calls out.

Upon reentering the strongest level of gravity, the poor droid bounces off of all four walls. The girl notes that the two TIE fighters are continuing to shoot at them despite the incredible agility of the ship.

"What are you doing down there?" She cries out. "Are you ever going to fire back?"

Kylo Ren flicks on the targeting system and his inner child finally feels a small sense of gratification. "I'm working on it. Are the shields up?"

Up in the cockpit, the girl stretches across the panel of buttons, switches, and levers. "Not so easy without a co-pilot," she mutters.

Finally, Kylo has the TIE fighters targeted and locked. He fires! He misses. Admittedly, Kylo spent more time training to wield a lightsaber, not blasters. Closing his eyes, he allows the force to flow through him. A TIE fighter blast rocks the ship and all of it's occupants.

"We need cover!" Ren shouts up to the girl.

"We're about to get some…" she shouts to Ren, but to herself she mutters, "…I hope,"

The ship banks a hard right and enters a graveyard of metal, the two TIE fighters following closely behind. Ships of old litter the sandy field like rusting tombstones. Kylo Ren recognizes most of the models. Old Empiric Star Destroyers. Outdated TIE fighter models. Tyridium shuttles. The ship rocks back and forth, banking hard at every turn and the poor droid shoots out three perfectly angled wires to keep itself steady in this tumultuous ride.

Finally, Kylo feels perfectly at one with the Force and when the TIE fighter and the targetting system align a few seconds later, Kylo shoots the guns with precise aim for a direct hit.

"Nice shot!" The girl calls down and Kylo is smug. The TIE fighter smashes to the sandy ground for groundlings to pick through. In retaliation, the last TIE fighter shoots and directly hits Kylo's cannon.

"The cannon's stuck in forward position," he yells up at the girl. "you've got to lose them!"

Amidst her panic, the girl comes up with a risky solution. "Get ready," she shouts down.

"For what?" Kylo questions but gets no response in return.

The girl lifts the hefty ship up and then circles back down until it disappears inside a humongous wrecked star destroyer. It makes Kylo uneasy, but he is calmed when he senses the Force at work in her. She's not as confident in her abilities. The TIE fighter followed her inside and the pathway she'd been zooming through is quickly narrowing in on them. She'll be stuck before long. She turns before registering the sight of an exit. 

Back out in the open desert, the girl makes a snap decision. Cutting off the power, the ship arches forward, about to give into the planet's gravity. Kylo suddenly has the TIE fighter in his direct path. He shoots. The vessel explodes. Swiftly, she switches the power back on and together they fly away cheering at their victory.

Kylo has a thought.

"Head due south," he shouts up to the girl. 

She scrunches her face. "Why?"

"I escaped the First Order," he replies. "I landed southwest of Niima Outpost. I need to blow up my vessel. They can't know I'm alive."

The girl does as he commands. "I'd think blowing up two of their fighters would alert them to your presence."

He doesn't respond but for a sly smirk. Again, the girl surprises him -- she's got wit.

It doesn't take long before they reach his landing site. A small black speck in a swirling sea of sand dunes. Nothing else around for miles. "I can't target the ship. You've got to fly over it."

"Do you need me to pump the brakes?"

His smirk grows wider. "It wouldn't hurt…"

She rolls her eyes and reduces speed. Kylo takes but a second to meditate and let the Force flow through him. It's difficult to concentrate with the girl so nearby. She's force sensitive and stronger than she knows. As soon as they are in range, Kylo fires and his ship goes from black to fiery orange. 

" _Wooo!_ " He shouts as the girl tilts the ship skyward and, within seconds, they are surrounded by the comforting black, spotted blanket of space.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who gave me feedback from the first chapter! It really encouraged me to write on and keep going.

"Great shooting!" She shouts as Kylo Ren climbs out of the turret and into the ship's hallway. Beeping from the precious round, orange-and-white droid can be heard in the vicinity as it retracts it's wires and lands on the floor with a metallic thud.

"Where did you learn to fly like that?" he calls out as he meets her midway. Their responses overlap each other. "I don't know! I've done some flying but I've never left the planet!" she says as they come closer. "Nobody taught you?" He responds urgently as she says, "Your last shot was dead on!" "You set me up for it," he grins. "It was perfect," she beams as he says, "That was incredible."

Suddenly the hallway quiets, but it's a comforting quiet. Two strangers coming together to pull off what most would call impossible feats. Ren regards her kindly, a strange feeling. Finally being able to really look at her up close, he takes inventory of all her features. The light freckles that spot her face when you're right on top of her. The wisps of hair that plaster to her sweat-soaked face. Her captivating naïve eyes of innocence and grace. 

BB-8 interrupts the moment and the girl's attention leaves him and goes to droid. Some place small deep within Kylo is disappointed at the intrusion. He ignores the nagging feeling within him.

"You're ok," She says to the droid, crouching to it's level. "He's a First Order defector. He's going to join the Resistance and get you home. We both will."

A surge of guilt floods Kylo Ren from head to foot. Join the Resistance? Their general's face flashes before his eyes and it makes him dizzy. Lightheaded. He has to close his eyes and breathe slowly in order to regain his composure. The girl cuts off his swirling anxiety-ridden thoughts.

"I don't know your name," she says, twisting and lifting back up on her feet. 

A whole new wave of anxiety floods his body. She can't know his true identity. His name is synonymous with cruelty and she's the very essence of grace and innocence. She doesn't suspect him for any ill will and Kylo Ren is surely not going to plant the seed by giving her his name.

"Ben," Kylo says without any prior thought at all at the ramifications of his actions. His true name. The name most have long forgotten. He wears the birth name like an identity thief. It belonged to someone once, but that person is long dead. Kylo Ren would spit on the ground if he could. He wears the name like a badge of shame. But, at least she doesn't suspect him for the monster he truly is. "What's yours?"

"I'm Rey," she smiles, sweet and light. Whenever she speaks, he's reminded that he has been surrounded for the majority of his adult life by hardened warriors and soldiers. They speak coarsely with hardened words and devoid of empathy. Snoke would have him work side by side with a pretentious, sneering, General. It's been forever since someone spoke to him with the elegance, loveliness, and general optimism of Rey.

Does she feel this too? This magnetic pull?

BB-8 moves in his peripheral vision and Kylo realizes the web of lies, he's spun. The droid's sensors examine him with a doubting coldness. His entire mission depends on that very droid. He needs to get the droid to trust him like Rey does.

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but behind Rey, hissing steam bursts out of the grating on the floor. Rey was not wrong. This ship is garbage.

A flashback from long ago. His father racing down the hallways of the ship from the cockpit, a gigantic Wookiee on his heels, quick to fix yet another break. "What's happening now?" His mother would shout not too far behind with little Ben in her arms.

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" His father would shout, his entire torso stuck down a shaft. The wookiee whimpers a similar sentiment.

"Don't you tell me it's nothing!" His mother shouts. Her chest vibrates against young Ben's arm. "Last time you said it was nothing, we were stuck on an asteroid for twelve hours!"

"Pass me that wrench, will you," his father, arms flailing, calls out to his faithful companion and co-pilot. "I mean it this time!" He shouts back.

"You always mean it this time, you scruffy, no-good, nerfherder!" his mother huffs. "This time will you remember the emergency generator when the power dies through no fault of your own?"

And just like that, the memory is gone and Rey is pulling the grating from the floor. "Help me with this, quick!" She shouts at Kylo.

It takes him a moment to recover and react to her beckoning, but he eventually does. The droid rolls up beside him as he crouches down and helps Rey pull the flooring from the ground. As Ren fans the billowing smoke away from his face, Rey jumps down inside, much to his astonishment. 

"You know how to fix this?" He asks, flabbergasted.

"It's not that hard," Rey says before popping back up to the surface. "It's just the motivator. Do make yourself useful and find a toolkit, perhaps?"

Something inside Kylo Ren's chest punches him a few times from the inside. What in the world is this girl doing to him? With a shake of his head, he manages to come to his senses long enough to find the toolkit nearby. 

"Harris wrench, and quickly," Rey commands. 

He finds the wrench easily, having helped his father maintain the ship many times as a child. "How bad is it?"

Grabbing the wrench, she drops below sight. "It we want to live, not good."

"I don't like the sound of that," Ren comments. His attention quickly switches from the lovely girl to the cold metal droid rolling up beside him. The machine beeps and whirls, bobbing it's head in the process, much to the ignorance of Ren.

"I don't speak droid," He admits. After a moment of consideration, he asks, "You need to get back to the Resistance?"

The droid speaks and nods it's head as it does so. A confirmation.

Kylo Ren wrestles with his conscience. Neither side deserves this map but if giving the map to the Resistance screws over Hux in any way, it'll be worth the sacrifice. That is, after Kylo gets his hands on it first, of course.

"Can we make a deal, you and I?"

The droid tilts it's head slightly.

"I promise I will do everything in my power to get you back to your base and protect you wholly along the way, but you need to tell us where your base is and show us the map."

Kylo fears he's pushed too much too soon, but the offer is a fair one when all is said and done. He means every word, a rarity these days.

The droid beeps and cocks it's head, unnerving Kylo.

"Pilex driver, hurry!" 

The abrupt return of Rey startles Kylo and he grabs the first tool he sees. It's not the pilex driver.

"BB-8, if we're going to bring you back to the Resistance, we need to know your base."

Kylo's attention drifts to the droid in anticipation. The droid looks from Rey to Kylo. Rey to Kylo. Rey to Kylo. 

With just a flick of his hand, perhaps he can get the droid to reveal it's secrets. Ren contemplates a brief moment of meditation. Instead he chooses to plead. "Please," he covertly asks the droid.

The droid is reluctant and Kylo has little in the way of patience. Neither does Rey, apparently. BB-8 eventually turns to the girl and beeps a response.

"The Ileenium system," she repeats.

A significant weight lifts of of Kylo's shoulders. Not only does the droid seem to trust him, but now Ren has valuable information to barter with should Snoke hook his wicked talons in him again. Kylo hands Rey the tool and she dips back down below sight.

Kylo instantly signs a thank you to the droid who shoots out a limb from his round body and ignites a welding flame. A thumbs up. Kylo's entire body relaxes and visibly so. He even allows himself a brief, private smile.

"I'll drop you two at Ponemah Terminal," Rey says as she pops back up from the floor, "I need the bonding tape, hurry!"

Kylo Ren searches in vain for the tape. More urgently, Rey's words bother him. The implication burns in his mind like his course black garb chafing his skin.

"You're not coming with us?"

Rey watches as he searches, her eyes focused on the desired item. "I gotta get back to Jakku."

And now the chafing has burned into an irritable rash. "Why would you want to go back to Jakku?" Kylo reaches for a roll of tape.

Rey has her own cause of irritation. "No, that one." Kylo grabs another one. "No." Throwing it down, he grabs another. "NO. The one I'm pointing to…" She's pointing now. Kylo allows his irritation to fluster him. "NO." She's getting edgy. "If we don't patch it up, the propulsion tank will overflow and flood the ship with poisonous gas!"

BB-8 enters the fray, tipping it's head in the direction of the correct tape. Cheeks reddening, Ren grabs and tosses the tape.

"This one?"

"Yes," she exasperates before dipping below.

She never answered his question and Kylo noticed. The burning chafing irritation itches and festers within his mind. His brows furrows

"Rey," he calls down. "why aren't you coming with us? I can't go strolling into the Resistance base! I'm a First Order defector! And besides, there's nothing left on Jakku. Why go back?" He knows she doesn't have any family there.

The steam and smoke dissipates as Rey pops out of her hole and snaps, "None of your business, that’s why!" Ren can feel the fire that burns bright like a radiant star within her. She's fiesty and Kylo feeds off of her energy.

But Ren has no time to revel in her tenacity. The power dies and all goes black. The only sound that can be heard are the nervous movements of an anxious droid.

"Are you sure you fixed the leak?" Kylo teases.

"Well you're not collapsed on the ground choking, so I'd say so." She fires back.

"This is not good," he comments and Rey responds back, "No, it can't be."

They run together towards the cockpit, but Ren stops just short, having seen the ghost of his father and his wookiee co-pilot in their old seats. But in the blink of an eye, they disappear like ghosts.

"Someone's locked onto us -- all controls are overridden," Rey announces, again oblivious to Ren's state.

Kylo dares to enter the space his father spent the majority of his life in. It feels so overwhelmingly like his father. Through the force, the lingering traces of his father fill and overpower his senses so much it's almost as if the man were standing in the room with them. It takes all he has to stay focused and present.

The perpetrators are above them. He can sense it so. If he focuses, he can even feel the ship move towards them. Eventually, the pair can see a massive object beginning to swallow their Corellian ship whole.

"Oh no," Rey sighs, her eyes the size of saucers.

Kylo's force sensitivity is wildly unreliable. The ship's heavy 'scent' of his father clouds his senses. And then there's Rey -- fascinating, spunky, talented Rey -- she's a constant distraction.

Ren does not like being made a fool of. Ren does not like being out of control. Ren does not like being a step behind.

"Is it the First Order?" Rey asks, further complicating matters.

He can't bring himself to look at her, choosing instead to stare at the engulfing mouth of the red freighter. His mouth gapes open but the words under his tongue will not be uttered. Kylo Ren does not ever not know. He can feel the fury of the dark side flood his senses. With a pull from his fingers, his saber could be in hand and ignited. This console and the cumbersome memories it holds could become nothing more than fragments and shards.

"Ben?"

And with a jolt, he's back in reality. Back with her. The dark side kept at bay.

He finally looks into her soft, concerned eyes. He didn't expect how good it would feel to hear her say his birth name. His true name. The name of his untainted self. The man he shed from himself like a snake shedding skin. Somehow, the meaningless name doesn't feel so hollow coming out of her lips.

What is happening to him?

He forgoes the truth for the lie. "It is. The First Order."

"What do we do? There must be something…"

Finally, Kylo feels in control of the situation once again. "You said poisonous gas?"

"…Yeah, but I fixed that…"

"Unfix it."

Rey's eyes ignite with recognition and together they race back to the faulty line. Kylo grabs gas masks and together, he and Rey lift the grating. They drop like stones in a river down to the floor. With Kylo's immense strength, he has little problem assisting BB-8's descent.

"You think this will work on the Stormtroopers?" She asks as they pull the grating back over them.

"Their masks filter out smoke, not toxins," Kylo explains.

The grating closes just as the lights flicker back on within the ship. Kylo can hear the whirring sound of the ship's ramp lowering. Their guests will be here within seconds.

"They're coming!" He says anxiously to Rey who is nervously unpatching the fix. "I'm hurrying," she replies.

Kylo sees the door to the ship fly open in a mad rush and suddenly goes stiff as stone. With weapons in hand, his father and uncle burst into the room, ready for combat. Nostalgia and pride overcomes them almost immediately. "Chewie," the gruff voice of Han Solo says, "we're home."

The fury of the dark side races through Kylo within milliseconds. He sensed them all along, thinking it was tied to the ship! Kylo feels everything and the intensity of it makes his eye twitch. The fingers of his right hand curl in on themselves until they form a fist and he doesn't stop squeezing until his fingernails pierce skin. They long for the familiar grip of his lightsaber which is concealed under his Jakku robes. It calls for him. 

Years. It's been years since he's last seen his father. The distance between them should have numbed Kylo to the pain of his abandonment, but it only made it more piercing. Ren was always a disappointment, right from the start. The old feelings surge through him with the intensity of a tidal wave.

Rey drops her wrench and it rings throughout the cabin. A twist of Han Solo's body tells Kylo everything he dreads. He will have to face his father. 

Suddenly, the grating above them lifts up, and Kylo falls back in an attempt to conceal his face. With blasters pointed at them, Rey falls back too and BB-8 squeals in protest.

"Where are the others? Where's the pilot?" Han Solo commands, with the massive Chewbacca behind him.

Rey is startled but she answers, "I'm the pilot!"

Han is shocked. "You?"

Chewie talks in his Wookiee language and Rey anxiously responds. "No, it's true. We're the only ones on board."

Kylo Ren looks at her amazed. Not many people can speak Wookiee. Why would an orphaned scavenger girl from the desolate desert planet of Jakku know how to translate Wookiee?

"Come on outta there," Han says. They propel themselves up, removing their gas masks in process. BB-8 summons a gadget from that lifts it up and out of the floor.

Kylo watches his father closely as he removes his mask and tosses it aside. So far, no recognition. But then again, Kylo has remained silent and Rey has his full attention, which is understandable. That girl has a way about her that captures your attention.

"Where'd you get this ship," Han asks and Rey tells him that they got it from Niima Outpost. "Jakku? That junkyard?" He turns to Chewbacca, "Told ya we should've double-checked the Western Reaches." His attention falls back to Rey, "Who had it? Ducain?'

Kylo merely stands there and watches the spectacle unfold as Rey describes how it came to be under their control. He doesn't dare call attention to himself. His father looks much older. Significantly so. The Han Solo he remembers as a boy was a strong man with a charismatic presence. His face was stretched tight and now it's wrinkled with age and stress. His hair was thick, full, and brown like the tree branches of Endor, and now it's entirely silver and considerably thinner. Everything about him is different except his eyes and his demeanor. Possibly even his vest. 

How does he not sense his own son? Can't he tell instinctively? What a pathetic excuse for a father.

Kylo has to remind himself. His force powers did not come from his father, but from his mother.

"Well, you tell him Han Solo just stole back the Millennium Falcon for good," he says and turns to walk away, basking in awe of the ship he dearly loves.

Rey is stunned. "This is the Millennium Falcon? You're Han Solo!"

He doesn't turn around. "I used to be."

There's an opportunity here, Kylo senses it. Neither his father nor his uncle seem to recognize him which is a gigantic disappointment, but his cover is still intact. Perhaps he can take advantage of his father's stupidity.

"Han Solo? The Rebellion General?" Kylo says, assuming the role of an average ordinary Stormtrooper. All stormtroopers are told the stories of the old wars. They know exactly who Han Solo is, and they know he is an enemy of Empire and it's successor, the First Order.

"No," Rey says, twisting to face him. "the smuggler." She walks in Han's direction and shouts, "This is the ship that made the Kessel Run in fourteen parsecs!"

From the cockpit, they hear him shout, "Twelve!" and then mutter in amusement, "…fourteen." They start making their way towards him, Kylo towards the back, when he hears, "Hey! Some moof-milker put a compressor on the ignition line!"

"Unkar Plutt did," Rey explains. "I thought it was a mistake too, puts too much stress…"

"…on the hyperdrive…" Han says, overlapping her, regarding her with curiosity. 

Kylo watches this interaction closely. The girl's bonding with his father faster than Kylo ever has.

"Chewie," Han says suddenly, "throw 'em in a pod, we'll drop them at the nearest inhabited planet."

"Wait no!" Both Kylo and Rey shout in unison. "We need your help," Rey says and Kylo stares at her.

"My help?" Han queries. 

This is all happening so fast. Kylo doesn't know how to stop this. The situation is spinning out of his control.

"This droid has to get to the Resistance base as soon as possible! He's carrying a map to Luke Skywalker."

At this, Han stops in his tracks. A surge of jealousy races throughout Kylo Ren's body. He recognizes a former brother-in-law he hasn't seen in decades, but not the face of his own son. He doesn't say a word.

"You are the Han Solo that fought with the Rebellion," Rey marvels. "You knew him."

Han turns slowly. Deliberately. "Yeah, I knew him. I knew Luke."

A noise from outside the ship. A metallic clunk. Something heavy.

"Oh don't tell me a Rathtar's gotten loose!" Han flies away, with Chewie, Rey, and Kylo following on his heels.

"Wait… a what?!" Kylo suddenly speaks. Again, little to no recognition from his father. "Did you just say Rathtars? You're not hauling Rathtars on this freighter, are you?"

They race out of the Falcon and through the hangar of Han's freighter.

"I'm hauling Rathtars."

Han reaches a control panel with monitor screens patrolling every nook and cranny of the vessel, including the exterior. Kylo knows of the ship that's about to embark on the vessel.

"Oh great! It's the Guavian Death Gang. They must have tracked us from Nantoon." Han sprints off, the others following behind.

"What's a Rathtar?" Rey queries.

"They're big and dangerous," Han replies.

"Ever heard of the Trillia Massacre?" Kylo asks and Rey shakes her head. "Good."

They turn a corner.

"I got three of them going to King Prana," Han explains.

Kylo's eyes bulge. His father is a moron. "Three! How did you get them on board!?"

"I used to have a bigger crew," he explains and Chewie concurs. Han lifts up a hatch in the floor and signals them over. "Get below deck and stay there until I say so. Don't even think about taking the Falcon!"

"What about BB-8?" Kylo asks.

Han looks at him for the first time, a tiny flicker of recognition registers in his eyes. A question. One he disregards. "He stays with me until I get rid of the gang, then you can have him back and be on your way."

"The Rathtars," Kylo continues noting the question in Han's eyes but also choosing to disregard it. "Where are you keeping them?"

Behind him, a startlingly loud bang from the adjacent compartment, causes them to jump out of their skin. A Rathtar tongue licks the window.

"There's one," Han drolls.

"What are you going to do?" Rey asks,

"Same thing I always do," Han says, "talk my way out of it." Chewie barks a retort. "Yes, I do! Every time."

Kylo and Rey jump down under the floorboards below Han and Chewie moments before the Guavian Death Gang arrive. Bala-Tik, the leader of the gang, begins harrassing Han Solo, but Rey and Kylo struggle to see from the under the floor. "Can you see them?" Rey asks, and Kylo answers no. They shuffle through the crawlspace until they're directly below the gang.

"They have blasters," Rey points out.

"Too many of them," Kylo agrees.

Bala-Tik wants his money back. Han Solo doesn't have it.

"Kanjiklub wants their investment back too," Bala-Tik tells him.

Han balks. "I never made a deal with Kanjiklub!"

"Tell that to Kanjiklub," the Guavian leader says and on the opposite side of the hallway, a door hisses open only to reveal members of Kanjiklub.

Han is beyond screwed.

"Tasu Leech! Good to see you," Han schmoozes and fails.

"Wrong again, Solo. It's over for you," He replies.

Kylo and Rey are startled by the new discovery and start crawling back, trying to come up with a plan of action. Kylo's heart is conflicted. This is just like his father to get himself in a mess with rival gangs. He doesn't deserve their help getting out of this mess. And why should Kylo help him? When has his father ever helped him out of anything? He certainly did nothing to prevent him from being seduced by Snoke. 

"Your game is old. There's no one in the galaxy left for you to swindle," Bala-Tik says.

"Nowhere left for you to hide." Tasu Leech adds.

Their words strike Kylo in the chest. It's no wonder Kylo ended up in the First Order. With a grandfather like Darth Vader and a smuggler father, he was destined for the dark side. Snoke will find him, no matter where he is. He's probably probing for him now.

"That BB-unit," Bala-Tik says, pointing, "The First Order is looking for one just like it. And two fugitives."

And there it is. Kylo's confirmation. They've figured out Kylo's desertion. How do they know about the girl? They both stop crawling frightened of exposure. Kylo regards her with sobering eyes. The First Order cannot have her.

"First I've heard of it," Han says apathetically. 

Kylo and Rey's heads turn when a Kanjiklub member commands the others to search the freighter. A flashlight beams through the floorboards to their crawlspace below. They shuffle out of sight opposite of the search. 

Rey has an idea. "If we close the blast doors in that corridor, we can trap both gangs!"

"How would we reset the doors from here?" Kylo asks.

"Resetting the fuses should do it!"

They crawl up to a fuse box and Rey begins tinkering with the mechanics. Kylo is beyond grateful for her superior knowledge with machinery. This is all beyond his skillset. She smiles when she finishes the job and Kylo allows himself to smile with her.

They hear the hiss of doors opening -- wrong sound -- and then the roars of the Rathtars as they slither out of their cages.

Han's eyes go wide. "I gotta bad feeling about this…"

"Oh no," Rey says to Kylo's worried expression. "Wrong fuses."

Bala-Tik shouts, "Kill them and take the droid!"

It's a free-for-all. The gangs arm themselves just as a Rathtar appears behind and grabs two Guavian members. Everyone screams and runs for cover. The gangs fire at the Rathtar in vain. A second Rathtar approaches Kanjiklub and roars it's fury at them. They fire back and scatter like ants.

Han, Chewie, and BB-8 race down a hallway but a Kanjiklub member thwarts their get-away. Han punches him and throws him to an approaching Rathtar who grabs and swallows him in one swift movement. 

"This is bad!" Kylo says as they crawl under the flooring, which is a big deal because Kylo has done an immense amount of bad things in his lifetime. "We're in so much trouble."

"Huge!" Rey adds.

Guavian and Kanjiklub members are being attacked left and right and eaten by the Rathtars at every turn. Kylo and Rey bravely climb out of the crawlspace and run through the freighter.

"What do they look like," Rey asks as they run.

They turn a corner and witness gang members fighting one large, slimy, tentacled Rathtar and losing the battle.

"They look like that," Kylo remarks, taking her hand and pulls her to safety.

They run into yet another Rathtar. 

"This way," Kylo insists.

"Are you sure," Rey queries but Kylo's leg is caught by a Rathtar tentacle. "BEN!"

The Rathtar is fast and pulls Kylo Ren away from the girl. "REY," he cries out in vain.

Terrified, Rey runs off searching for a solution. Kylo has a secret though. Determined not to be eaten this day, he summons his saber from under his robes and it eagerly whips into his hand, igniting simultaneously. His red lightsaber pulsates irregularly than most. The plasma fizzes as it travels up through the shaft, and when the crossbeams ignite, it has a homemade appearance. The saber, a respresentation of it's owner, appears as if it would spontaneously combust at any given moment. Kylo has always liked the instability of the saber. It makes him feel powerful and dangerous.

Rey finds a control panel equipped with several security cameras and searches for one that will show the Rathtar that has Kylo. She finds it just in time to see him perform a miracle. A small metal object flies from his hip into his hand and ignites into a blazing cross-shaped sword. With the most minimal of twists and elegant of turns, he cuts the tentacle that holds him from the beast it belongs to. Inelegantly, he drops to the floor, but free. Rey scrambles to find him.

Kylo Ren pockets the lightsaber just before she appears around the corner. He is thrown off when she wraps her arms around him. Kylo can't remember the last time someone truly hugged him with warmth and kindness. He wants to be uncomforted by the embrace, but finds himself lulled into her and his arms slither around her body to hug her back.

"You're alive," she gasps from his chest.

"It was luck," he shrugs off.

Rey starts to protest, but hears the screams of gang members further into the freighter. They decide to run for the Falcon.

When the arrive in the hangar, Han is about to embark the ship, helping the wounded Wookiee up the ramp. "Han!" Rey screams and they follow him up into the ship with BB-8 wheeling up in the rear.

Han instructs Rey to close the door and points at Kylo to take care of Chewbacca. He resents taking orders from his father, but the Wookiee has never been anything less than kind to him and Kylo doesn't mind rolling a piece of gauze around a wound for his honorary uncle.

After closing the doors, Rey races into the cockpit and seats herself in the co-pilot chair, much to Han's chagrin. "What are you doing?" He barks. 

"Unkar Plutt installed a fuel pump too. If we don't prime that we're not going anywhere."

"I hate that guy," Han mutters out loud and allows Rey to help.

"…Also, you could use a co-pilot," she tells him.

"I got one, he's back there!" He says and Chewie, not being extremely cooperative with Kylo, roars in pain. "Watch the thrust, we're going out of here at lightspeed."

Rey's eyes bulge. "From inside the hangar? Is that even possible?"

"I never ask that question until after I've done it."

A sudden Rathtar jumps onto the ship in attempt to eat it. Rey jumps out of her skin.

Han sighs in frustration. "This is not how I thought this day was gonna go. Angle the shields and hang on back there!"

Kylo continues to attempt to treat a blaster wound but the Wookiee is writhing in pain and is highly uncooperative. He considers using the force to subdue him for the briefest of seconds but decides against it. Kylo is strong enough to wrestle with a Wookiee, a claim not many can make.

Outside in the hanger, gang members are blasting the ship as it attempts to angle itself for a quick getaway. The ship gets hit. 

"Come on baby, don't let me down!" Han hits a switch… and nothing happens. "What?"

Rey, slightly hesitant, reaches over and hits a switch. "Compressor."

Han's eyebrows furrow, but he lets it go. He hits the switch again, and they blast off into lightspeed, leaving the hanger, Rathtars, and gang members. The Falcon disappears into deep space within a blink of an eye.

Bala-Tik is furious to have once again been outsmarted by that washed up old man. He holds a transmitter in his hands and hotly, he begins speaking into it. "Inform the First Order that Han Solo has the droid they want and it's aboard the Millenium Falcon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked the chapter, please leave a comment or kudos! Feedback is always welcome! Feedback makes me write quicker! ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so appreciative of all your comments and support on this project. Your feedback makes me write faster and harder than I've ever written anything before. I hope you like this chapter! Things don't quite go Kylo's way. ;)

Kylo manages to patch up the wookiee, but only after seducing him to sleep with the force. No one was watching at the time. It would look like a shot of medication. Chewbacca will be fine and wake up feeling refreshed and bandaged.

Rey and Han were taking care of some problems in the cockpit and the droid was left unattended, watching the pilots get the alarms under control.

A transmitter under his clothing alerts him to the First Order's developments. All First Order sympathizers are to keep an eye out for the one-of-a-kind BB-unit droid, and two fugitives, a scavenger girl in Jakku robes, and… FN-2187, described as a former Stormtrooper who released a hostage on the First Order Star Destroyer Finalizer. The pair escaped on a TIE fighter and crash landed on Jakku after a hit. The wreckage and any sight of them since has not been found. A bounty of considerable sum is offered for any news or capture of these individuals. A higher price is placed on the droid itself.

Curious that there's no word about Kylo. Do they think he's dead? Do they believe the person traveling with Rey is FN-2187? Kylo might have done himself a huge favor by not calling out the Stormtrooper back in the village after noting his reluctance to participate.

Something troubles him though. It's all just too easy. There's no way the First Order is just going to accept that Kylo Ren had died in the attack on Niima Outpost. Kylo is too big of an asset to them.

Or is Snoke tracking him right now? 

Kylo rakes a hand through his thick and lush mane of dark hair. He looks towards the cockpit and sees Rey pull out a piece of computer tech. Perhaps he's jeopardized everything. He needs to meditate. Now. For so many reasons. The lounge is practically deserted so he finds a spot right in the middle of the room and contorts into a comfortable position. Closing his eyes, he concentrates on his breathing, slow and deep, until he's at one with the Force.

He sifts through his mind, pushing aside everything that's unimportant. Kylo's mind is dark and vast like deep space, except his mind is crowded with memories and knowledge which hang in the void like star clusters in the night sky. Some are small and burn a cool red, while others are large and hot blue. Something is not right in the universe of his mind. An unnaturally green star - a wicked green, too - not the calming color of nature, but the dark vile color of evil. 

It's Snoke.

The distance between them makes their connection weak. It's possible Snoke's influence over him is minimal at best, but he can’t be sure.

"What did you do, knock Chewie out cold?" The gruff voice of Han Solo enters the lounge and Kylo is startled out of his meditation. 

Kylo Ren quickly, but inelegantly, manages to work himself into a more natural standing position. "He's fine," is all Kylo can manage to get out. He has no desire to talk to his father, if one could even call him that. He doesn't even dare reciprocate any eye contact.

"I told you to take care of him, not sedate him!"

Kylo slowly cocks his head over towards his father, the malice pumping through his veins like blood. His father does not reciprocate the look, in fact, he almost looks embarrassed and… appreciative? No, Kylo must be interpreting his body language incorrectly. His father is much too proud for such feelings.

"I, uh, want to say thanks. For taking care of him," Han says full of discomfort.

A piece of Kylo's soul crumbles into dust. The legendary Han Solo, the war hero, the smuggler, the father of a disappointment, actually gave him a compliment? Perhaps he expects less out of those who aren't his son.

"Don't mention it," Kylo sneers and looks away. He could be anywhere in the galaxy yet he finds himself trapped here in this hunk of junk ship with the father who abandoned him, and it's not déjà vu or hallucination. It's real. Just his damn luck.

A little flicker in the back of his mind reminds Kylo that Snoke is there, ever-watching in the faint shadows of his mind. 

Han notes the harsh tone but says nothing. "So, fugitives, huh?"

"The First Order wants the map," Rey says, casually strolling into the lounge with BB-8 rolling in behind her. Kylo sits at the holochess table and allows Rey to sit beside him. "Ben is joining the Resistance and I'm… I'm just a scavenger."

Han's eyes instantly lock onto Kylo, and Kylo's to Han.

He knows…

…And so does Snoke.

Quickly, Kylo Ren blocks Snoke out with every ounce of force he can muster in his mind, even though he knows the damage has been done. The First Order is officially the enemy, and they know exactly where they are.

Thankfully, his father knows better than to pressure Kylo, so he diverts attention to the droid. "Let's see what ya got."

Kylo can feel the pressure of Snoke trying to break through but Kylo has been too good of a student. He knows how to put up mental barriers and his considerable strength in the force has taught him how to keep it up. The distance between them is unbelievably helpful. Snoke's immense power is weak and useless here. But the mental barrier does nothing to prevent Snoke from influencing Kylo, it merely prevents him from seeing exactly what Kylo is up to.

A sweat starts breaking out on Kylo's face as the droid rolls into the room and projects the missing section of the map that The First Order has already put together. Kylo knows exactly where to find his old master. He's done it!

"This map is not complete," Han notes. "It's just a piece." Kylo realizes they have no clue what they're seeing. "Ever since Luke disappeared, people have been looking for him."

Kylo notices that his father cannot stop peering over at him. The gimmick is up. 

"Why did he leave?" Rey asks.

Han stares directly at his sweating son. "He was training a new generation of Jedi. One boy, an apprentice, turned against him and destroyed it all. Luke felt responsible and he walked away from everything."

The weight of his words falls on Kylo's shoulders. A flood of guilt washes over him and covers him in darkness. It was him. He was the fallen apprentice.

"What happened to him?" Rey asks.

"There're a lot of rumors. Stories. The people who knew him the best think he went looking for the Jedi temple."

Rey gasps. "The Jedi were real!"

Despite everything that's going on, Kylo cannot help but admire the girl and her exuberance. The force is strong in her. He can feel it pouring out of her. She needs a teacher.

Han looks over at her. "I used to wonder that myself. Thought it was a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. A magical power holding together good and evil," his eyes puncture Kylo, "the dark side and the light." He breathes out a chuckle and shakes his head. "Crazy thing is, it's true. The Force, the Jedi, all of it. It's all true."

It's all too much for Kylo to take. He slides himself out of the booth and out of the room. An alarm rings, prompting BB-8 to cut off the hologram map and Han to run towards the cockpit.

"Ben?" A worried Rey calls out.

Kylo is suffocating. He runs until he reaches an old familiar room. It was his once upon a time ago. A flash of his mother rocking him in a chair comes and goes. Many sleepless nights spent listening to his parents fight in the room over fills his memory. He walks over to his bed and pulls up the mattress. It's gone. The one source of comfort he had. Kylo slams the mattress back down with anger.

He can't stand these clothes any longer and he has no idea how Rey can stand being twisted up in such claustrophobic fabrics. Perhaps Ducain or Unkar Plutt left some reasonable garments in the closet. He pulls out a white tunic, a basic pair of black pants and a dark vest. This will have to do. He furiously unwinds the tanned fabric and peels each layer off of him.

The pants fit him just fine, but he swims inside the tunic. Tucking it in, he pulls the vest on, and he looks… just like his father. 

Rey barges in just as the revelation hits him. 

"Hey," she says, causing Kylo to jerk her way. "Han's going to help us…" she says before pausing to take his new appearance in. Kylo can feel her eyes drinking every inch of him in. "Um," she mumbles, "You… you've changed clothes."

"I was getting hot," he lies. "So what do you think?"

A blush rises to her cheeks and she looks away momentarily to collect herself. "It's all right," she says before changing the subject. "Han's taking us to Takodana. He says he knows someone who will take you and BB-8 to the Resistance."

Kylo's eyes light up in fear, "Takodana?"

Kylo Ren cannot step foot in Takodana. Not while Maz Kanata still runs the cantina.

He races out of the room with a confused Rey following behind, making his way towards the cockpit. Han is there, piloting as they drop out of lightspeed and fly towards a lush green planet ahead of them.

"What do you think you're doing ?" Kylo storms in.

"What does it look like I'm doing!" Han snaps back.

Rey assumes position in the co-pilot chair while they bicker.

"We can't go to Takodana!" He practically screams, head shaking emphatically.

"I have a friend there…" Han starts.

"You want to take us to Maz Kanata," Kylo cuts off. "You're insane!"

"The girl says you want to join the Resistance. Maz has connections. She'll take care of you."

Kylo is frantic. Panicking. His fighting hand longs for the grip of his lightsaber. "I- I thought you were a Rebellion hero," the words fly out of his mouth carelessly. "Why can't you take us to the Resistance base yourself?"

Kylo knows exactly why Han won't, but that wasn't the point. Maz Kanata's cantina is a hotspot for scoundrels and full of eyes and ears. One foot through the door and everyone, Resistance and First Order alike, will spot him. His cover has already been blown, what with Snoke's spying efforts, but stepping foot in Maz's cantina will be like putting a target on his back. Kylo would rather be dropped off directly on the Resistance's doorstep. At least there, he can rest easily knowing he'd survive the night albeit strapped down in a holding cell.

Han says nothing for a long while. "If you're going to the Resistance, Maz can get you there. End of discussion."

Kylo's face burns scarlet and he grips the piloting seat with a death grip. Through gritted teeth he says, "You just don't want to face Mom."

The room goes silent. Rey and Han twist back in their seats facing him. Rey is full of astonishment and her jaw drops at the revelation. Han is smug and points a finger at his son. "I knew it!"

Kylo steps back to the doorway. "I'm right, aren't I?"

"It is you," Han says rising out of his seat and taking an exhilarating step towards his son. "You've left the Order."

"You know nothing!" Kylo shouts back.

Rey is utterly lost. "What is happening right now!? "

"Ben," Han says like a father long separated from his only son, his face beginning to break.

Kylo's chin quivers. "Don't say that name. You're not allowed to call me that anymore."

Rey's face scrunches in confusion, "Ben?"

He turns to look at her. Her lovely face is stitched together in disbelief. The game is over. Kylo got what he came for. His mission is complete. It's best if he just runs away the second the Falcon hits the ground at Takodana. 

…but what about the girl?

"That's your only name," Han dares to say. "You've left the First Order. You're no longer Kylo Ren."

Rey's squished eyes blossom into wild eyes of horror. It's as he'd feared. His name is synonymous with cruelty. She's heard of him before.

"We'll see about that," Kylo says throwing up his defenses and storming out of the room.

There's not much time. The Falcon's about to enter Takodana's atmosphere. It won't be long before the ship lands. Making his way into his old room, he sifts through the things of the Falcon's prior owners. With a flick of his wrist, the closet door slides open without Kylo ever touching it. Using the Force, he rifles through the clothes and is satisfied to find a dark hooded cloak hidden in the back. Perfect. He throws it around him. 

He turns and faces every compartment of the room. Palms out, he curls his fingers into the palm of his hand resulting in the opening of every drawer and hidden compartment. The dark side of the force flows gleefully through his veins. He finds an acceptable disguise in a pair of goggles that had to have belonged to that filthy Unkar Plutt creature. They'll conceal his eyes well.

Kylo Ren looks ridiculous, but passable as a shady scoundrel on the run. First, he'll sneak off the ship, then he'll follow Han to the cantina where he'll let his moron of a father engulf Maz Kanata's attention. Then, he'll scout the place. There has to be pilots lounging about, waiting for some pathetic passenger with coin to request a flight. Pilots are always looking for a little extra gold to line their pockets, and they have weak minds. He'll board the ship, let them take off, and then kill everyone on board except the pilot, who he'll force to take him to Luke Skywalker. Once they land, he'll do away with him too.

The plan is conceivable. Doable. Once again, he feels like Kylo Ren, master of the Knights of Ren, feared throughout the galaxy, and utterly powerful. 

A noise causes him to turn around. It's her. And she brings with her the undoing of all of his grand plans.

"Ben?" She calls out, "If that's your real name…"

He swallows a lump in his throat. "Ben is the name my father gave me long ago, but he's dead. I killed him myself."

It's better if she fears him. It's better for everyone.

"…And now you're Kylo Ren."

He says nothing. His dark, intense eyes link with hers and do not waver. Surprising him, her eyes don't waver from his either. She is constantly surprising him.

"Why did you lie to me?" She asks.

He swallows another, bigger, lump. "I didn't lie to you about much."

She grows stern. "I saw you, you know."

His terse, stern façade fades into a softer, solemn one. "What do you mean?"

"In the freighter. With the Rathtar." She explains. "I saw the lightsaber on the monitor."

"So now you know," he says. He dares to take a step towards her. She swallows hard, but doesn't flinch. "I'm a monster."

"I thought you were some sort of …Jedi. You moved like one."

Kylo Ren dies just a little bit and something flickers stronger inside of him. A light that Kylo was sure he'd snuffed out long ago. Ben Solo, young Padawan apprentice, grows slightly stronger. Only slightly, but enough to assert some presence within him. Kylo's eyes grow wide with fear. 

Why is this happening to him?

It's the girl.

"Let's get one thing straight, scavenger," he snarls afraid of what she is turning him into. "The story Han told you? About the young Jedi apprentice who betrayed the *mythical* Luke Skywalker?" He has her backed into a wall, his arms out pinning her in place. "The story is true. I'm the Jedi apprentice. I betrayed Luke Skywalker…"

A slight gasp escapes her lips, but the fear never quite reaches her eyes. Instead, only justice. The ship lands on the surface of Takodana with a slight thud.

"…and I intend to finish the job I started long ago."

In a flash, he's gone down the hall, through the opening door, and out into the forests of Takodana. Ren doesn't stop until he's cloaked within the thick forests adjacent of the ancient stony castle which houses Maz Kanata and her eclectic cantina. 

Why did he do that? Kylo is every bit the fool his father is. This was not how he wanted this to end. He wanted to take the girl with him. If that's what it took to ensure her safety against Snoke, then so be it. He cannot have her. She's too full of potential for that gigantic worm to taint her with his lessons. And soon, there will be no one else left to teach her the ways of the Force besides himself. Kylo truly is the fool.

Regardless, Snoke must never know about her. He closes his eyes and concentrates on the vast ocean of space that occupies his mind. He comes across the mental barrier quickly and searches the shadows behind it for that faint, unnaturally green star. It's considerably weaker than before, but still present. Snoke appears to be exhausted from trying to break through the barrier and Kylo chooses to exploit it. Reaching deep, he surges through the connection and winds up in a much murkier mind -- one considerably more powerful that his own, and much harder to swim through with the Force. 

No sign of the girl apart from the expected. She who holds the key to the map, holds the attention of friends and foes alike. 

Kylo is about to disengage when he mentally trips over an alarming piece of news. His eyes snap open and the connection is lost. Hux. He's about to do the unthinkable and Supreme Leader Snoke somehow ordered the preparations? Kylo bites down on his tongue so hard he tastes blood, and spits it at the ground. 

He peers over to the stony structure with a statue of Maz Kanata's likeness perched atop the entrance with two tall spires on either side and a multitude of colorful flags hanging every which way possible. It marks the place as a safe haven for all walks of life. No one is judged here.

The Resistance must be warned and now. General Organa has to have placed spies here… at the very least she must have allies on the premises. 

Kylo Ren runs towards the cantina on an urgent mission. Once he gets to the forests edge, he uses the Force to survey the life forms within the cantina. It's an array of aliens and humans alike. He senses the presence of a Resistance spy, but also plenty of First Order sympathizers. Kylo Ren must tread carefully.

Before he can get inside, however, he spots his former comrades entering into the giant wooden doors of the cantina. This is going to get awkward and fast. No time for a plan. Kylo races through and slips through the door, cloaked and swift as a shadow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment after you read! I love reading all of your comments! It's the fuel that lights my fire.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who commented, subscribed, and kudo'd last chapter! I spent every spare moment I had working on this chapter, so I hope you guys like it!

If Rey closes her eyes and focuses just enough, she can feel the course texture of sand on her skin. The intense heat of Jakku's suns. She can even see it if she concentrates hard enough; the endless sea of orange-tinted sand dunes.

Home.

Instead of comfort, the vision feels hollow. She changes the image from dunes to the interior of a massive rusting ship. The goggles she wears press firmly against the delicate skin on her face. She grasps firmly on a thick rope as she scavenges for treasures long lost from an age of turmoil.

No. This feels vacuous too.

A different machine, then. A lonely deserted combat transport lying on it's side in the sand like the carcass of a starved animal. Rey can imagine climbing inside it's belly and being instantly surrounded by her few but precious belongings. The withered remains of a desert flower. A rag doll she made from scraps of a rebel uniform. The metal wall nearly covered in scratches. They're tallies, one for every day that Rey has waited patiently.

This brings no comfort but only sorrow. What if they've arrived on Jakku already and are searching for her? No one will tell them to stay and wait. No one knows of her departure nor of her imminent return. What if they leave her once again, never to return?

Instead, when Rey closes her eyes, she sees an island -- rocky, remote, and green -- surrounded on all sides by a vast blue ocean, stilled into a calming flow by the steady wind. With only one sun, Rey feels its warmth and it kisses, not scorches, her skin. She can hear the gentle lapping of the waters washing along the beaches and the calling of the gulls that soar through the brilliant blue sky. And she can feel the ground, actual solid earth, beneath her feet.

Is this paradise or exile? Rey doesn't know, but it brings a peace to Rey that Jakku cannot. Rey pretends it's her birth home, the place her parents live and when they're ready, they'll come for her. They will live together in peace once again. Rey has been waiting for the majority of her life for the fateful reunion.

She breathes. Slowly. In… and out.

She only opens her eyes once her heart rate has steadied to it's normal pace. Her back is pressed against the wall and she can still feel the closeness of Ben, who pinned her there a moment before, but it quickly dissipates. Ben is gone and Rey is lost.

A refreshing breeze blows the wisps of hair framing her face and it captures her attention. Down the hallway, the exit ramp has dropped and it exposes a world Rey has never experienced before.

There's so much green.

An awed gasp escapes her lips and she finds herself drawn to the captivating scene. Trees, so many trees, and grass! She blinks and the setting remains the same. The light from the planet's only sun shines bright on the horizon, making the lake ripple and sparkle like sapphires. So much life!

Rey hardly notices the saunter of Han Solo as he exits the ship and strolls up beside her.

"Beautiful, ain't it?" He comments pretending as if he's not watching her curiously.

"I didn’t know there was this much green in the whole galaxy," she marvels. She closes her eyes and it's like being on that island in her dreams. The solid earth beneath her feet. The wind's soft caress on her skin. The warmth of the sun.

Han regards her naïveté and another little piece of what remains of his heart breaks. He doesn't do feelings very well. "Here," he says extending an arm out to the girl. "You might need this."

A blaster pistol. Practically an ancient model. "I think I can handle myself," she says in refusal.

"I know," he replies. "That's why I'm giving it to you."

Rey allows herself to pick up the object and test it's weight in her hand. It's not too heavy and seems simple enough to operate. She laces her finger around the trigger and points the blaster off into the distance, aiming at nothing.

"You know how to use one of these?" Han asks and Rey simply states, "You pull the trigger."

A silent chuckle. "There's a little more to it than that. You got a lot to learn. You got a name?"

"Rey," she answers easily.

"Rey," the old man says, testing her name. He takes a breath before continuing on. "I've been thinking about bringing on some more crew, Rey. A second mate. Someone to help out. Someone who can keep up with Chewie and me. Appreciates the Falcon."

Rey turns to the legendary smuggler in disbelief and awe, "Are you offering me a job?"

She's far too optimistic about this. It's cramping his surly style. "I wouldn't be nice to you," he warns, "It doesn't pay much."

He's offering her a job! "You're offering me a job!"

"I'm thinking about it," he gruffs, secretly pleased at her enthusiasm.

The light drains from her eyes when she remembers her troubling thoughts back on the ship. Sand. Withered desert flowers. Rusting battleships. Waiting.

"If you were, I'd be flattered. But I have to get home." And back to sanity. Back to stability. 

Han's eyes watch her closely once again. "Jakku?"

She turns away from him, back to the impossibly beautiful horizon. "I've already been away too long."

Han exhales. "It's too bad," he says, brushing her worries off of his shoulders, "I think Chewie likes ya."

As Han walks down the beaten path towards a large stony castle of a cantina, Rey lingers behind. The nagging feeling that she's been away for too long transform into thoughts of Ben. She hadn't known him long, and clearly the man was hiding a Bantha's worth of secrets, but she can still feel him. Without thinking, she turns towards the forest and for the splittest of seconds, she expects to see him there coming back for her. She feels awfully alone once again without him beside her.

The moment passes and she follows Han who has already made headway towards the cantina with BB-8 rolling behind and chattering in his computer language to nobody specifically. They walk together in a heavy silence.

"Is Chewbacca all right?" Rey asks uncomfortably.

"Oh, yeah," Han replies, his mind clearly elsewhere. "He's guarding the ship. Woke up a few minutes ago. Good as new."

Rey bobs her head in understanding. A question lingers in her head and the longer it's left unspoken, the louder it screams in her head. "What are we going to do about Ben?"

She watches the old man carefully from her periphery. He grows even more silent, but his mind is restless. Rey can sense it. "Nothing we can do, kid."

Rey stops in her tracks. "Nothing? He's your son!"

Han peers at her from over his shoulder before shaking her off. "That boy hasn't been my son in years. Decades. He doesn't want my help or anything else from me."

The shriveled up face displays Rey's dissatisfaction. "And that justifies letting him go? You're his father!"

Han stops dead in his tracks. "You don't know what you're talking about," he says with a low rumble. A warning.

"I know that he's stubborn, just like his father!"

Han grits his teeth. He has half a mind to speak his peace, but the girl's pestering reminds him of someone, long ago. A woman with loose lips and a sharp tongue which frequently lashed out at him. She said the same thing a long, long time ago.

"Forget Ben," he growls out. "He's old enough to take care of himself."

Rey skulks along realizing the futility of her pestering, but she cannot quite let herself walk beside the old man. She doesn't say a word more but her attention is focused on the forests beside them than the castle they walk toward.

Han feels the words she doesn't say and they scream louder than a siren in his mind. Just before they reach the entrance, he twists around. "You think I'm not doing enough for my son." Rey starts to part her lips, but Han stops her. "You don't have to say it, I know you do. I'm not a perfect father, I know that. But you don't know the half of it."

"He's Kylo Ren," she meekly comments.

Watching him, Rey can feel the ocean of grief wash through the war hero. She underestimated him. Again.

"Yeah, he is." Han chokes out. "Not a day goes by that I don't regret…"

Rey waits for him to finish, but Han is clearly too overcome with past sorrows. She can see it all in his heavy, weary eyes. Neither of them expect it, but especially Han, when the girl steps forward and gives the man a most heartfelt hug. Han stands there awkwardly with his arms splayed away from the girl as if she were diseased. Slowly, they fall until they lay against her back, his way of reciprocating the hug.

When she lets go and falls back, the smallest crease of a smile cracks the surface of the surly smuggler, and suddenly she doesn't feel so alone anymore.

"We got to get you and the droid on a clean ship," Han states as if the moment never happened.

Rey smiles to herself and then wipes it away instantly. "Clean?"

Han strides forward, past a tall but gangly-looking droid. "Do you think it was luck that Chewie and I found the Falcon? If we can find it on our scanners, the First Order's not far behind. Want to get BB-8 to the Resistance? Maz Kanata is our best bet."

Rey cannot help but stare at the oddity striding past them, "Ben was afraid of her. Should I be?"

Han scoffs. "Afraid isn't the right word. Maz's cantina draws in an… eclectic crowd. Some unsavory. Kylo Ren is renowned for his… skills in combat. He'd draw a lot of attention here, with or without that ridiculous mask."

"So can we trust her?"

"Relax, kid. She's run this watering hole for a thousand years. Maz is a bit of an acquired taste, so let me do the talking." Han says, climbing up the stone stairs and pausing in front of the door, "And whatever you do, don't stare…"

Rey's hesitation grows. "At what?"

BB-8 manages to maneuver his way to the top despite the lack of a ramp. It's ridiculous that in this day and age, businesses still lack ramps for the mechanically wheeled-inclined.

"…any of it," Han emphasizes and then pushes the doors open.

Han was right. This place was crawling with scoundrels. Being one of only a few humans on Jakku has made Rey accustomed to all types of alien beings, but she'd never seen such an array of them before. So many species she'd never seen before. So many of them give her the creeps. It's almost like being back on Jakku again, except Rey is definitely missing her quarterstaff.

What bothered her the most were the whispers. Everyone is huddled together in tiny groups and they speak to each other so softly that the intended recipient is forced to crouch in. But their eyes were never on each other - they were always scanning the room, particularly the entrance. Something about Rey and Han sparked a lot of gossip.

One strange alien in particular twisted around at the very sound of their entrance. An orange alien who barely stood waist-high with goggles that consumed half of her melon-shaped face.

"Han Solo!" She shouts across the bar so loud that everyone else in the cantina froze, eyes locked on her.

"Oh boy," Han, obviously discomforted by the greeting, waves a few fingers awkwardly. "Hey Maz!"

Maz bulldozes her way through the crowd to meet them at the entrance. The patrons return back to their own personal business.

"Where's my boyfriend?" She asks in complete earnest. 

Han turns to give Rey an amused look, "Chewie's guarding the Falcon."

"I like that Wookiee," Maz declares matter-of-factly. "I assume you need something. Desperately. Let's get to it."

Rey liked this woman but also found her to be quite peculiar. Maz led them through the crowded room, past lots of wandering eyes, until they reached a table in the back covered in exotic fruits and hor d'oerves.

The scavenger had never seen so much food in one sitting in all of her life. Her diet up until this point had been fairly limited to food packets. They'd rotate flavors every quarter if she was lucky but powders and instant-meals are no match for fresh, quality foods. Where most would see this assortment as a first course meal, or merely something to pick at before the main course, young Rey sees a smorgasborg.

"Help yourselves," Maz invites casually with a carefree flick of her wrist, before settling herself at the end of the table. Rey seats herself at the opposing side and grabs the food with two hands until she can't hold anything more and begins stuffing her face.

"Easy there, Tiger," Han teases and Rey slows down, but only some.

When she swallows the last of the pink fruit she first bit into, she asks, "I've never eaten anything so delicious before. What is it called?"

Maz regards her kindly but with curiosity. "My child, that's a Wappago and it's grown in these very trees."

"I've never had one before," Rey enthuses, licking her fingers and popping several small orange berries which have a sweet and sour taste that make Rey lick her lips clean.

Maz watches her with great interest. Her large goggled eyes take in everything about the skinny girl in the desert robes. "Han Solo," she loudly greets once she tears her eyes away from the girl, "I see you're once again taking in strays."

Rey is oblivious to the comment. Han smiles uncomfortably but charmingly no less. "There's just something about me that attracts people," He schmoozes.

Maz laughs, "I heard how the Guavian Death Gang and Kanjiklub were attracted to your freighter a hour ago."

Perked up by the mention of the Guavian and Kanjiklub gangs, Rey enters the conversation, still consuming the delicacies.

Han chuckles uncomfortably. "A misunderstanding that got out of hand."

"As they all are," Maz adds loaded with sarcasm.

"Every one of them," Han says attempting to save face.

"So is it Bala-Tik or Tasu Leech that brings you to my establishment, Solo?" She reaches for and grabs a sweet from the tiered platter, then popping it into her mouth.

Together, Rey and Han detail their days to Maz, sparing no detail, up until they entered through her doors.

"A map to Skywalker himself? You're right back in the mess!" Maz goads.

In all seriousness, Han leans forward. "Maz, I need you to get this droid to Leia."

She considers the proposition for a moment. A very brief moment. "Hmm, no. You've been running away from this fight for too long. Han, _nyakee nago wadda._ Go home!"

Rey regards the comment curiously. _Go home_? Ben dropped a bomb on the ship. _You're avoiding mom, aren't you?_

Han's face falls at Maz's response. "Leia doesn't want to see me."

Rey's eyes widen. A few pieces begin falling into place. Leia. She's heard of that name before. It takes a moment, but she remembers. The last surviving monarch of the obliterated planet Alderaan. She's a legend! A princess! A Rebel fighter! A General!

..And she married a smuggler. Time would remember it as a very controversial decision. Many Rebel supporters were against the union. They had a son…

Ben. 

Rey remains plain-faced despite these mind-blowing revelations. A thought itches in the back of her mind like a sand rash. "What fight?"

Maz graciously turns to her, "The only fight - against the dark side. Through the ages, I've seen evil take many forms. The Sith. The Empire. Today, it is the First Order. Their shadow is spreading across the galaxy. We must face them. All of us."

The First Order. The Resistance. Ben. Ben is Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren is the infamous leader of the brutal and cruel Knights of Ren. The Knights of Ren serve the First Order. And isn't Leia the General of the Resistance?

A son fights to defeat his own mother? And how has Han stayed away from the fray for so long despite being directly in the middle of it?

But Ben defected… didn't he? Rey feels the weight of Ben's absence as if he were sitting directly beside her. Rey skulks a bit, understanding Ben's earlier distress at coming here. Maz is not a friend of the First Order and Ben's departure is still --Kylo's departure is still fresh. She wishes he were here to vindicate himself to Maz. Rey is a poor substitute.

As she internalizes all her thoughts and feelings, Maz watches her intently. She reaches up and adjusts her goggles until her eyes are doubled in size. The food on the table splatters to the ground unceremoniously as Maz climbs up onto the table and crawls across towards the young, distressed scavenger.

"What is this," she queries, alarmed. "Han, what is she doing?"

Han shrugs, clearly used to the antics of the cantina owner. "Don't know, but it can't be good."

She speaks. "When you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people. I'm looking into the eyes of a lonely girl who doesn't even know who she is yet."

Rey is beyond startled. Unable to cope with the situation, she jumps out of her seat abruptly. "Excuse me," she says, attempting to remain courteous and hurries away from the table.

Largely stuck in her head, she passes humanoids, Kubazians, Aqualishes and several other unsettling alien types before her attention is drawn towards a darkened area of the bar. Heading towards it, Rey is bumped by a Twi'lek roughly. She stumbles onto the dark cloak a patron seated at the bar. He twists around to steady her and Rey finds herself face to face with Ben.

They say nothing -- this is not the time nor the place for anything either of them have to say -- but their eyes say so much more than their silence. Ben regards her with wide, stunned eyes but Rey gasps at the intensity of the affection they display. This is all too much. 

"Thank you, " Rey says after an elongated pause. Ben slowly removes his hands from her arms and watches her walk away towards a darkened hallway. Rey doesn't turn back around, much to his dismay.

She heard something; that's why she didn't look back at him. Wailing. It's coming from the darkened, isolated corridor. Rey, transfixed, follows the distress of a little girl down the stairs with BB-8 following behind. The crying is coming from the room down at the end. She walks carefully yet ignorant of precaution.

A vibration shakes within her bones as she reaches the end of the corridor and faces a closed door. Twisting the knob, the door creaks as it slowly opens. There is no girl in the room and the wailing has muted. The room is largely empty but for stacks of storage crates lining the far corner. A latched box catches her attention. It sits in the middle of the stacks silently awaiting her arrival. BB-8 watches as she crosses the threshold into the room and stops before the wooden box. 

Hesitantly, Rey reaches out and touches the box. BB-8 is nervous, but silent. Lifting the latch, Rey opens the box and sees a metallic, rod-like object. She's only seen one like it before. In a monitor. Ben had one. Her heart is in her throat and beating like a drum. She swallows hard. Adrenaline races through her and she's unable to resist grabbing it.

One touch, and the thrashing sound of a light saber pierces her ears. All of her senses are assaulted. She is thrown to the ground, but she's no longer in Maz's cantina. She's in a darkened metallic hallway - old, yet more modern than the rustic stone of Maz's cantina. Her ears are filled with the sound of mechanical breathing. So many voices. A young girl's muted screaming, "NO!" She rights herself and walks cautiously down the hallway. 

Turning, she falls once again to the ground except she falls onto dirt. She's outdoors now. It's night. The darkened night sky is alive with the crackling of fire. A temple is burning and there's no hope in saving it. A droid - this one blue and white - watches the flames and a cloaked man lays his mechanic hand on top of it's head.

It begins to rain and Rey looks up just as an armed warrior is about to strike her. Before he can cast a fatal blow, he is stabbed from behind by a furious red lightsaber. Rey cannot see her savior just yet. The warrior screams as he falls and the saber is removed from his abdomen. The temple is gone and Rey lies soaked in a battlefield full of corpses. Rey stumbles to her feet, full of fright. Regaining her balance, she sees that the savior is a masked man flanked by six other masked men. Her savior is cloaked in black from head to foot, and holding a red crossblade lightsaber. The same one Ben had in the freighter. It's Kylo and the Knights of Ren. Rey stumbles backwards in horror. The ferocious, masked Kylo Ren storms forward and Rey turns to run.

Except behind her is the sandy dunes of Jakku. A setting she knows well. Night has instantly turned to day, and a young girl with Rey's signature hairstyle is hysterical, her arm caught in the grasp of the grotesque Unkar Plutt. The girl wails and cries towards the ascending spaceship which shoots up like a rocket towards space. 

"No! Come back," She sobs in complete distress. The girl has been abandoned.

"Quiet, girl," Plutt scolds and pulls.

Rey looks around her and a shiver runs up her spine. She's no longer in the stifling hot desert, but instead in a snow-covered forest. Long trees plunge upward to the snowy sky at every turn. Rey is beyond afraid and utterly lost. The sound of lightsabers clashing fills her ears and she stumbles through the woods. Her heart is pounding out of control, and is jumpstarted by the emergence of Kylo, once again, jumping out of the trees. She falls back and lands, once again, in Maz's storage room. Voices. So many voices. 

"Rey… these are the first steps…"

Terrified out of her mind, she gets to her feet. She leaves the lightsaber in the box where it belongs, and walks backwards out of the room, not daring to let the object out of her sight, and walks right into Kylo Ren.

Catching her by the shoulders, he asks, "What in the world are you doing down here?"

"Kylo!" She shrieks and struggles to back away from him. The visions have left her in a quandary. His presence is equally as comforting as it is terrifying. "Don't hurt me!"

Kylo is taken aback. She's never called him that name before. He should have expected her reaction -- he feels ridiculous to have assumed she'd have a different one-- but it still feels as if a lightsaber had plunged into his gut. He releases her immediately. "I'd never hurt you, Rey."

It takes her a minute to get her bearings and settle her nerves. "You scared me," she says awkwardly, trying to excuse the reaction. "What are you doing here?"

"I was following you. What are you doing down here?"

Her entire body is thrumming with nerves and her brain feels like it's on fire. "I thought I heard something."

Kylo examines her, examines the corridor, examines the room beyond her. Kylo's eyes furrow. "What happened here?"

Rey is reluctant to answer. "Nothing."

"No," He replies, his voice stern. "Something happened."

He's angry. Why? Rey lifts her eyes towards his towering figure. He's still sensing the wrongness of the area. But there's a look in his dark eyes. Something she hasn't seen ever before. Concern? For her? Is Kylo being protective of her?

Rey studies him for a moment. He's several inches taller than her and much stronger, physically. She's never had a moment to really see him up until this point. His entire body is toned and honed for combat, she can see that now in his tunic and vest. He looks just like his father in almost every respect. He even stands like the old man. And even now, how he tries to protect her but respect her boundaries… he's never looked more like his father. It's so apparent to Rey now, clear as day.

The masked man in her visions… it was Kylo Ren without a doubt. But standing before her… this is Ben, her friend. How can they be the same person when they're nothing alike?

On impulse, Rey reaches out and gracefully lays her hand on his shoulder and Ben's attention flies back to her immediately. His deep and intense eyes speak a thousand things his lips never would say. She sees the compassion he has for her and the concern, but also the self-loathing and undying fury. "I'm ok," she whispers and instantly his body relaxes under her hand. A tender grin grows on his lips.

A moment passes as they stand intimately in the dark with BB-8 regarding their interaction carefully. 

The spell is broken when Ben's head jerks towards the light and the bustle of the cantina. Staring much farther away than merely the stairwell, his eyes widen in alarm. "Rey," he says calmly, his fingers timidly lacing through Rey's free hand, "we have to run. They're here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Feedback is love!** Send me your thoughts! What's your opinion over Ashgate 2k16? Did you buy the DVD this week? Is your mind a little more blown over the Knights of Ren reveal? Have you accepted Jyn Erso into your personal collection of precious cinnamon rolls like I have? Oh yeah... did you like the chapter?
> 
> Due to life just being the way it is, updates will likely occur on Fridays and/or Saturdays unless otherwise noted.
> 
> Thank you! Love you guys!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My birthday is tomorrow, but you're the one getting the present! Happy Birthday to me!

Hand in hand, they race out of the cantina into the endless forests of Takodana. Kylo Ren does not have a plan. Kylo Ren does not like not having a plan.

"Where are we going?" Rey asks breathlessly, BB-8 in the rear.

He doesn't know.

A red streak in the sky catches Rey's attention. "That can't be good," Rey says pointing. BB-8 tilts it's head upward and reacts with a hectic scramble of beeps.

The life drains out of Kylo's face. It's as he feared. This is all Hux. It was his idea to occupy the frozen planet and create yet another weapon of mass destruction. Kylo kindly reminded him that his grandfather, Darth Vader, and the Empire created two Death Stars within years of each other and both of them failed. How would Starkiller be any different? "It would ensure the cooperation of the galaxy," Hux had sneered. He said it as if it was some brilliant new concept. It was a bad idea. Kylo knew it instantly and yet Snoke let Hux have his pet project. He'll let it be the ruin of the First Order just like it was the ruin of the Empire.

Together, they watched in silence as the laser streaks the sky and suddenly splinter into five separate beams.

It's too late, Kylo realizes. They'll have to fight their way out of this god forsaken planet.

Rey watches in horror as the beams strike their planetary targets and five equally brilliant explosions light up the blue sky in red. "Did you know about this?" She asks.

"Not exactly," Kylo responds. He takes a deep breath. "Rey, what if I told you I knew how to get to Skywalker?"

She tenses immediately. The legacy of Kylo Ren remains intact. "I would tell you to help the Resistance."

Kylo closes his eyes in shame. "I can't."

Rey strides towards him so he's forced to face her. "You must. They need your help, now more than ever!"

He tilts his head and looks upon her youthful, freckled face. "They'll kill me, Rey."

She squeezes his hand as she looks upon his writhing face, which reflects his tortured soul. "Tell me something," she says closing the space between them. "Why are you here?"

He can't look at her as he speaks. "I came for the map."

Rey stares him down. "You saw the map already. Why are you here?"

A moment of heavy silence. "I need a ship so I can get to Skywalker first."

"You had your chance for that," Rey stresses, her voice rising. "Why. Are. You. Here?"

"You!" He shouts, finally staring her in the face. "I'm here for you!"

"Why?" She shouts back undeterred.

"Because you're strong with the Force, stronger than you know!"

Rey is silenced by this confession. The lightsaber. The visions. It all swirls back to the forefront.

"Close your eyes, Rey," Kylo kindly, softly instructs. "Do you feel it?"

She swallows deeply before doing as she's told. At first, nothing, but then… something. An exquisite energy that flows throughout her body and connects to everything around her. The peaceful energy of the trees and it's ephemeral leaves, the clean and clear waters of the flowing creek, the kiss of the wind as it brushes past her cheek. She feels it all and it's so light and ethereal. 

But she also feels the energy of the man in front of her. So much energy that connects them and it races through their interlocked hands. His energy is not like the rest. His energy is dark, frenetic, and overwhelming. Even more overwhelming is the energy coming from the sky. It's dull compared to the energy that surrounds her, but it's intensity strikes her. It's the extinguishing cries of pain from the destroyed planets. And now she knows - the Republic is no more.

"Don't be afraid," he says softly, "I feel it too."

Unable to resist the pull between them, she looks up and stares into the intense eyes that bore into her.

"I can teach you," he offers. "I can show you the ways of the Force."

Rey can hardly think. It's all far too much. Again, she feels the faint pull of the lightsaber from the castle. It calls out to her urgently.

She has no time to react. A blaster beam shoots just past their heads and hits the tree behind them. She falls into Kylo, who grabs her protectively. "Run!"

They run as fast as they can and Rey uses her new-found abilities to feel out their opponent. She yelps as another blaster shot barely misses her head and extinguishes itself on a nearby tree. They both can sense the Stormtrooper who's spotted them. He's within range. 

Rey remembers the blaster Han had given her. She pulls it out, aims, and fires… except it fails. "Oh! The safety…"

Kylo's pernicious lightsaber ignites within one swift movement, and dodges blaster beams back at the assailant. Rey straightens, aims, and fires a single shot landing in the chest of the white-clad Stormtrooper.

Kylo turns to her amazed. "You didn't even use the Force, did you?"

Rey stares wide-eyed at the fallen trooper. "No. Not at all."

A smirk spreads on Kylo's face. "Remind me never to get on your bad side."

BB-8 strolls up next to them, much to Rey's dismay. "What are you doing?" She asks, bending down to the droid's level. The droid beeps and whizzes in response. "Stay out of sight. We'll try to fight them off." The droid quickly replies. "I hope so too."

More Stormtroopers arrive to replace the fallen and the duo run back towards the castle. Kylo knows the only way out is to commandeer a ship. Rey realizes she made a mistake leaving Luke's lightsaber behind. Wordlessly, they fight and dodge shots back to the cantina castle but before they arrive, the First Order ships begin demolishing the ancient fortress, tower by tower. 

Rey watches in horror. "No!" She shouts. The lightsaber! Han! Maz!

"Traitor!" They hear beside them, and a Stormtrooper unlike other Stormtroopers corners them. He throws down his mega blaster and chooses instead a mace which latches onto his arm and spins into a battle position. It's end spits out pure blue electricity and promises to sizzle. Rey is ill-equipped to battle the trooper, but Kylo Ren is not. Rey falls back and finds cover nearby in a tree trunk. Kylo lunges forward and each time the blade and the mace meet, they hiss in antipathy while Rey attempts to blast him.

Kylo Ren fights just as dirty as Rey if not more so. He fights ferociously and though his lightsaber is lightweight and easy to maneuver, he puts all his weight into every swing so that the blade swipes it's victims powerfully. Rey watches him fight and it's obvious to her that he's been training his whole life for such an elegant but vicious fighting style. She can't help but be a bit hypnotized by the graceful twists of his lightsaber. He's so intense. So focused. But Rey feels troubled. He's fueled by a dark energy that frightens her.

A miscalculation lands Kylo on his back with the trooper ready to shock him into next week. Rey aims for the trooper's neck, but before she can pull the trigger, he's knocked ten feet away and lies motionless in the dirt. Off in the distance, a stony piece of ruin shields an old man with a crossbow and his giant Wookiee from the gunfire.

Han!

Kylo feels nothing but embarrassment despite sensing Rey's joy. He'll have to bear this cross for her sake.

What is this girl doing to him?

Righting himself, they join Han and Chewie in the defense of the ruined castle. Stormtroopers swarm the area like Geonosian hives; seemingly endless. Kylo suddenly understands Hux's tactical maneuver: overwhelm and conquer. A sour taste fills his mouth. Kylo cannot stand that prick. He wins purely on numbers alone and thinks nothing of skill. That’s where the Knights of Ren come in, he thinks to himself. He's hopeful they're all on board the Finalizer and sitting this one out. The last thing he needs is an encounter from one of them.

He swings his saber skillfully, tapping into the Force as he fights. He shoves several troopers with the menial flick of his wrist and he skewers troopers left in his path. Kylo Ren has never felt more alive than he does in this moment, knowing exactly how furious Snoke and Hux will be. This is the only thing Kylo has ever been good at. He's a killer.

A force signature he hasn't read in ages brushes his consciousness. He lays waste to yet another squadron of Stormtroopers before pulling his attention towards the horizon. A menagerie of X-Wing fighter ships hang low just over the surface of the grand lake. The pilot he interrogated is among them, which does not shock him, but his copilot does. It's FN-2187. No longer the hesitant trooper with a torn conscience, Kylo senses his joy at belonging. It infuriates him. Deeply. The dark side of the Force coats his soul. 

Kylo can disregard the defector. He's nothing to him anyway. What bothers him most is the Force signature that follows the X-Wings a protective distance away. It's beyond unbearable. It's as if his worst nightmares are coming true, one right after another. They have to leave, he and Rey, at once.

In a mad scramble, he formulates a half-baked plan. Tell her the Resistance is here. Insist they ditch the droid, the Resistance will pick it up. They'll steal a First Order TIE Fighter, that shouldn't be too hard. Stormtroopers are dimwits and excellent at dying. He'll promise to take her back to Jakku, but more urgently, they need to get to Skywalker. She'll want to see this through. She'll assume he's going to save the Jedi…

His plan ends there. He'll figure it out. The rest of it is acceptable.

He twists around -- but Rey is nowhere to be found. Just a litter of wounded soldiers. He runs, casually and efficiently bulldozing any foes he meets. She's not behind him. He runs towards the lake, but she's not there. Frantically, he searches the ruins. Did she get caught under a fallen slab of rock? She's not with Han and Chewie. X-Wings and TIE Fighters fly in a macabre air dance and ships fall from the sky like shooting stars.

Maz Kanata rises from the ashes of her establishment like a newborn phoenix. A thousand years old and still death will not conquer her. A run-in with her is unavoidable. 

"I know who you are and I know whom you seek." The woman speaks and it sends chills down Kylo's spine.

"You don't know anything about me," Kylo bites back, unable to help himself.

"Quell that fire within you, boy" she says as she beckons him closer. "It does you no good. Only harm."

"I don't have time for this. I must find her," he says and motions to move on.

"You seek the girl but you will not succeed in time," Maz says cryptically. "Take this."

The woman holds a box in the palm of her hand. Any other time, Kylo Ren would not think twice before grabbing and making way with the saber, but he is not the same man he was many hours ago. He understands what he's seeing before his eyes do. The box. It holds the saber. The one he'd kept under his bed as a child. It was his grandfathers once a long, long time ago and it had been passed down to Luke who had lost it. It had been gifted back to the family and bequeathed to him as a baby. The saber gave him such pride and joy. The promise of a happier life than the one he had been given. His heart sings out for the weapon but the weapon repels his request. 

"It calls for her now. It will guide you to her," the pint-sized woman preaches. "The Force is strong with her."

The Force. Why didn't he think about that before running around like a madman? 

He grabs the saber from the box but it feels all wrong in his hands, not at all like his own saber. This saber is bathed in light and Kylo, he is drowning in the dark.

"Thank you," says, staring the woman dead in the eye. "Truly."

She nods in earnest and they part ways.

He tries to slow his anxiety-ridden breathing and closes his eyes. There's so much energy flowing around him. It's hard to focus when the Force signatures of his father and his mother are so nearby. But Rey's signature is so strong… _why can't he read it_?

He finds it and his heart drops to his stomach. She's onboard a ship. His ship. Snoke got his grotesque claws around her, after all. Adrenaline surges blind him to sense or reason and he takes off like a shot for his ship, blazing his virulent saber. "Rey!" He screams in vain. She's knocked unconscious and being dragged like a sack of grain onto his intimidating black ship. The wings expand and the entrance ramp closes. It's too late. She's gone.

Kylo collapses onto his knees, allowing his saber to retract. He retreats into himself. The green star -- Snoke. He has to pay. 

_You didn't think I wouldn't find out about her, did you?_ The poisonous words of a monster pour into his head. Hatred and loathing run through his veins coating every inch of him in darkness. _She's a pretty thing, is she not? And the Force is strong with her. She could do well here. As you know, I recently lost my Master of the Knights of Ren. Suppose she could fill the position with proper training._

A shiver runs up his spine. He remembers the Supreme Leader's training. Images of Rey being subjected to brutal drills and near-fatal beatings fill Kylo's mind. She cries - her mind being stretched and torn to inhumane limits that fatigue her. Constant mental probing, all to make her tough and impervious to any enemies. Ren would rather she die than be subjected to such torture.

 _Oh no, we don't want that,_ Snoke responds, noting Kylo's thoughts. _No, not at all. She has two things I want. The map… and you._

It's a get-out-of-jail-free card. 

_Precisely,_ Snoke verifies. Kylo returns to the First Order and he'll regain his title and position free of retribution. The girl will not be harmed. The First Order pursues and eliminates Skywalker. The Jedi become extinct.

 _That's my exact proposal,_ Snoke noxiously replies. _Return to the First Order, give us the location of Skywalker and I'll let you have your position and status back… and the girl. You may do with her what you will._

The proposal is tempting. Snoke's influence dissipates and he opens his eyes to find the mechanical beachball droid watching him intently. It beeps and whizzes quizzically as Kylo returns to the physical realm. Kylo cannot possibly respond, but his heart breaks seeing the droid at his side. "Why couldn't it have been you?" Kylo says. He means to say it in spite, but it comes out full of sorrow, the droid whines sympathetically.

It doesn't matter anyway. The worst of Kylo's endless nightmare is about to begin and it approaches quickly in the form of two or three Resistance fighters running for him, weapons aimed. "You're under arrest," a nameless soldier in tan and green says while restraining him. Why bother fighting it, Kylo thinks. He's too numb inside to resist.

One soldier has a blaster on him at all times, and the other two lift him to his feet with hostility. They probe him towards a landing transport. His father watches on the sidelines and Kylo senses a mixture of emotions but Kylo can't be bothered to deal with him right now. He can't be bothered with any of it. 

A vaguely familiar force signature catches his attention. FN-2187. He stands there, straight and tall, like he's always belonged there. The repugnant pilot stands beside him with an elbow on his shoulder. They escaped together, Kylo remembers, not that he cares at all. They lock eyes, Kylo and FN-2187, and they really look at each other for the first time.

The ex-Stormtrooper is easy to read. The guy is an open book. Back in the village, he caught Kylo Ren's attention with his hesitance, his willingness to disobey direct orders, his quick and easy draw to the light. Standing before him is the same man but much more confident this time. No longer the timid soldier, he dons the blacks but ditched the white shields and helmet. The jacket he wears is not his own, Kylo can sense it so, but it marks him as a part of them. And it came by him so easily.

How? How when it's _so hard_ for Kylo? How does he just accept the call to the light without any turmoil or struggle? 

How Kylo hates him. He hates everything that FN-2187 is and everything he represents. He resents deeply that they easily accepted him as a Resistance fighter while Kylo, who defected first, is shackled and bound like a rabid animal.

He's pushed forward, past the former Stormtrooper, towards the convoy. He can feel her Force signature stronger than any other. Stronger than Supreme Leader Snoke's. Stronger than Skywalker's. Even stronger than his father's. The closer they push him, the more overpowering it gets. It reeks of the light side, though largely untapped.

A lifetime ago flashes before his eyes. Brief moments in time. Being in his mother's arms and smelling her deep-scented perfume. He remembers her calming voice singing sweet lullabies in his ear. He remembers her eyes, so loving and full, suddenly turning so full of fear. Murmurs he can't hear whispered to his father. Watching her leave. She sent him away.

The doors of the ship open and Kylo is pushed to his knees, ready for presentation.

He will not look at her. She does not deserve it. Not one single glance.

He stares at the ground but hears the hiss of the ramp descending. Many guards run out -- Kylo can see their feet -- and they flow out of the ship in twos. Someone shouts, Kylo doesn't bother listening, and out come a single pair of shoes. Sensible shoes for the occasion. Comfortable brown leather ones. They take each step with great care. One after another, they inch closer to Ren.

"General," one of the nameless, faceless Resistance fighters call out. "We found him in the battlefield, abandoned by the First Order. I suggest we put him on lockdown until he can attest to his crimes."

Silence. The leather-clad feet come even closer, stopping just before him. Kylo shakes and quivers unable to take it any longer. A loving hand - the hand of a mother - touches his cheek and cups his chin, urging his head upward. It's useless to fight when Kylo is already so weakened.

He stares into the eyes of Princess Leia Organa, Rebel Leader, General of the Resistance, and his mother. And the very sight of her causes him to weep uncontrollably. 

"My son," Leia rasps. He never remembered her voice being so hoarse and graveled, but his mother was always boisterous and loose-lipped. Time conquers us all eventually. "Welcome home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Feedback is love!***
> 
> You guys are the best. I appreciate every one of you.
> 
> Right, remember when I said updates will be on Fri/Sat? Forget that. They'll come when they come, and right now, they're coming out hot! Any announcements about delays or what not will be on my tumblr, [rylokiley](http://rylokiley.tumblr.com/), so feel free to reach me there.


	6. Chapter 6

Everything is wrong here. The air here feels thin and cool to the touch. It's too quiet. And Rey feels completely awful. 

She struggles to roll over in her sleep, but finds she can't. Her lids are heavy with sleep and her lashes refuse to untwine. An urgency forces her awake. Her skin tingles with a definitive sense of wrongness. She's not supposed to be here.

She wakes to the ceiling, a shiny chrome. Rey tries to rise and examine her surroundings but finds herself restrained on some strange rig. Shackles bind her wrists and ankles and no amount of strength will overpower them.

She tries to adjust herself but a sharp pain has claimed her side and it screams at her angrily. Things start to make sense again. Ben was fighting the troopers and she was covering him when a blaster shot caught her side and she fell. She remembers being dragged but vaguely. Everything after that is hazy and she cannot remember how she got to this cold, unfeeling room, but she can certainly guess.

 _Ben._ A resounding alarm of pure panic shoots through her like blaster bolts. Did the First Order capture him too? He's a defector. They probably didn't bother, deciding the proper punishment for such a deed was death. But he is Kylo Ren and Kylo Ren is no ordinary defector. She's seen him fight. He'd probably make for a nasty enemy but a resourceful ally, as many could probably attest to. What if they tried to sway him back?

The things she can imagine… an ache hollows out her stomach. Hang in there, Ben.

Reys attentions return to the metal box she's been placed in. The rig is slanted backwards at an odd angle and positioned in the center of the room with little to nothing else occuping any space. A bad sign. A few shelves to her left hold tools and elixirs. She's going to be tortured. Rey swallows hard as goosebumps prickle her skin. She's certainly not on Takodana anymore.

What do they want from her?

BB-8. They must not have captured the droid. That's a small comfort, but they must want her to tell them where it is. A problematic question as Rey hasn't the slightest clue.

Before she can come up with a game plan, she is interrupted by a man and his two Stormtrooper guards who enter through the door in front of her. 

"Ahh. You're awake," he says matter-of-factly. He stands perfectly straight and his dark clothes are perfectly pressed and his ginger hair is perfectly slicked back. This man values order.

Rey struggles in her rig. "Where am I?" She asks. Too much fear coats her words but she awoke too late and had no time to calm her panic.

"Does that matter?" he sneers. Something about that strikes Rey as familiar, somehow. The Force? But how? His sneer brings about a distaste that she's felt in Ben before…

Ben.

"Where are the others?"

"You mean the murderers, traitors, and thieves you call friends?" He bullies with a hard brow and hateful eyes. "They're with your precious Resistance. And where they are… well, we'll soon find out."

He glides about the room, walking in sharp angles and full of purpose. He's showing his power -- his freedom. His walk is a sign of dominance. This officer is the man in control and Rey ought to start following his lead if she's to fare well. 

Rey bites her tongue. To hell with that.

"Do you know who I am, little girl?" He asks.

All Rey knows is that she hates him. "Should I?" She responds, low and trite, which irritates the man immediately.

"You may call me General Hux," He stiffly replies, marching back to the front of her. "Everyone on this base answers to me."

Rey can't muster an ounce of enthusiasm. "I must be quite a valuable prisoner for the General of the First Order to torture me."

The implication rubs him the wrong way. "Is that what you think of us?"

"Am I somehow wrong?" Rey bites back. "I'm strapped to this rig like an animal about to be dissected. My wound hasn't seen a bacta nurse. Are you to tell me those tools you have on those shelves are for dental work?"

Hux is not in the least bit amused. He stares at her with solid, hard eyes.

"You may not be wrong, scavenger, but you are absolutely correct about one thing." Hux strides forward. "You are a most valuable hostage."

The way he says it, every syllable punctuated, makes her shiver.

"No wonder Ben defected," Rey taunts. "This place is rotten to the core."

Hux's stone cold face slowly breaks into a knowing smirk -- it's chilling to behold. "Ben? So he lets you call him by his baseborn name, does he? Has he told you who he really is?"

"Ben isn't that person anymore."

Hux's face quivers, his smirk folding into a hearty laugh, one he cannot contain. "You daft desert rat," he domineers, "I'm afraid you've been played a fool. Kylo Ren isn't the type to just shed his skin and be born anew.

"Some people are seduced by darkness, others are bred. Ren was born with it. The dark side flows in his veins thick as blood. Pardon me if I simply do not buy your tall tale."

Rey has to admit that Ben's force energy was different from any other. The force flowed smooth and peacefully like water in the forest while Ben's was frenetic and darkened with chaos. He certainly is dangerous, but Rey could never tell just how so.

Hux moves away, presenting her with his back. "The droid," his iron-tongue spilled. "Where is it."

"I don't know how you expect me to know that. You shot me and dragged me here. Clearly, the droid is not with me."

"Watch your tone," he snipes, twisting his head enough so Rey can see his profile. "Don't forget who you're talking to."

Intense loathing works its way through her. She grits her teeth. "You'll never get your hands on him."

His nose flares. "You certainly don't care much for your well-being."

"I don't know where the droid is but if I did, I certainly wouldn't tell you."

"Don't fret," he says. "Just because you can't tell us about the droid, doesn't mean you don't have other uses."

A bitter taste fills her mouth. "What does that mean?"

Hux begins to walk away. "JB-007, stand post. SN-0413, with me."

Rey starts to fret. "What does that mean?! General!" He walks out the door and takes with him any sense of security that Rey had felt.

\-----

Seconds begin to feel like hours and hours begin to feel like days. Kylo Ren sits in complete stasis inside the room the Resistance put him in. There is little else in the room besides him. A cot. A table. A chair. Ren spends his time feeling out the galaxy for Rey. He'd give anything to feel her warm light once again.

In spite of all the tumultuous things they'd been through, Rey has a way of making Ren feel balanced and he's fairly confident he has never felt balanced in the entirety of his life. There's something about her that speaks to Ren. She carries a loneliness that he's felt everyday of his life. She feels just as trapped in her world as he feels in his. The Force flows throughout her, wild and untamed like a waterfall. Rey could potentially understand Ren in a way no one ever has and no one else ever will again. Perhaps they could cure their loneliness together.

Seconds feel like hours and hours feel like days.

Ren spends his time in deep meditation searching for the brightest star within the galaxy in his mind. The foul green star had gone, thankfully. Ren needn't worry about Snoke for now. Just his family.

They try to send in a Resistance trooper to deliver his food. Ren remained motionless until the imbecile starting running his mouth. "They ought to give you a merciful death after all your crimes against the Republic," he breathed on his way out the door. Somehow, the tray of food threw itself from the table and landed on the trooper's back. A short while later, a droid came through serving a second plate of food which Ren refused. The droid was hardly a better substitute. The golden protocol droid ran it's mouth every bit as much as the trooper. The damned thing couldn't take a hint, pestering him with questions to which Ren didn't acknowledge.

Kylo Ren has never felt more imprisoned than he does now. All he ever wanted was freedom. He couldn't have it with either of his masters. The Jedi are trapped within their ridiculous code of honor and Snoke has Kylo chained at the ankles like a house dog. But now that he has no masters, he finds himself literally chained. Yet somehow, the idea of being free and on his own doesn't sound as satisfying as it once had. It sounds isolating.

Ren didn't make a move, nothing more than breathing, until he felt her again. As if roused from sleep, her force signature brightens his mind like a sun through parting clouds. Ren can sense the truth now that they are so far apart. They are connected, Rey and Ren. 

He feels the sharp pain at Rey's side where she was shot. Her unease at being confined at the base. The fear as someone comes into the room. Ren's deep loathing for Hux spreads across their bond over to her. She worries for him, and that knowledge brings Ren some comfort in this wretched place.

Ren senses the presence of his next visitor. He has a familiar force reading. The pilot.

He enters the room fluidly and stands before Ren, cool and confident. "Comfortable?" 

Ren gets a swift kick of déjà vu. "Not really," he answers, slow and insipid.

A knowing smirk slides on Poe's face. He paces around the room. "Remember me? I'm the pilot you tortured shortly before you went rogue."

Ren doesn't respond. He owes the pilot nothing.

"I know you remember me," Poe continues. "You've been trying to steal my droid ever since we met…"

Ren blinks ever so slowly.

"…and you nearly succeeded. Thankfully, the General got it before the First Order." Poe drags the chair from the desk to the center of the room and sits. 

Ren refuses to acknowledge the pilot. He knows when he has lost the game. There's no point in this conversation. The Resistance will put on some farse of a trial that will end in his death. Kylo will never have his freedom again. He only wishes Rey could have hers once more.

"BB-8 says I owe you thanks for completing my mission. My droid told me some interesting things about what happened ever since I got captured.""

Ren's head never moves, but his eyes shoot towards the pilot. 

"You've got a heart in there after all," the pilot says and Ren scowls.

"I've been talking to the General. We've recovered the map piece, but we can't make heads or tails of it. She knows you've seen it. You know where Luke is, don't you." Poe watches for any signs from the prisoner. Ren's eyes fall away from him and retreat back into his mind. Poe takes that as an affirmative. 

"Look, I know you're not keen to do the Resistance any favors and I get that, but we need your help. Your old friends, they've got that planet-anihilating weapon and it's next target is D'Qar. We'll be blown to smithereens in a day unless you help us. You can save your friend."

Ren perks up suddenly and it almost throws Poe for a loop.

"The girl. The smuggler was right. You care for her. Well, pal, your old friends at Starkiller Base have her and we have no chance of rescuing her without you. So is it a deal? You dismantle that weapon and get your girl, we might let you go without a trial."

Ren considers it for a moment. "Sounds like a trap to me."

"Your other option sounds like a death sentence," Poe counters. "Do you really think the Resistance will let you walk out of here without some sort of punishment? They're tasting blood, those guys. Your blood. You prove to them that you're on their side, they'll relax. I know what option I'd choose."

Ren closes his eyes for a brief moment and hangs his head. The pilot's right. His options are horrible. But he is still the only one who knows where to find Skywalker. He can use that to his advantage.

"I expect that you already have a plan in mind?" Ren drones and the pilot smirks.

\------

"What do you mean the General doesn't know?" Ren ask as he walks beside the pilot, wrists still bound.

Poe shrugs. "I might not have gone to her first, you know? There's no time to waste, so I went after your cooperation first."

Ren's head fills with dread. This will not end well. "She'll never agree to your terms," Ren warns.

Poe chuffs. "I'm her number one pilot. I've done much worse things than this under her watch."

Ren feels like he's walking towards his execution. "You forget, I'm the Master of the Knights of Ren. Your precious Resistance won't agree to let me back into the open arms of the First Order. I'm too dangerous to risk." He never speaks it, but Ren also knows that the General won't just let her son go now that she has him back.

Poe is all confidence and it rubs Ren the wrong way. "I got you to agree, didn't I? What makes you think the General won't?"

They stop in front of a door and it's modest grandeur has Ren sure that it leads to a sort of audience chamber. Ren hates this. He feels like a clown on parade. The only thing helping is feeling his connection with Rey. She's still safe, for now.

Poe cracks his neck effortlessly. "This is it. You ready?"

He doesn't wait for an answer. Poe pushes open the doors and together Poe and Ren enter another box of a room, but this one's bigger and packed full of authority figures that Ren despises and each one of their eyes lands on him. He recognizes most all of them immediately. They are all largely high-targeted individuals within the Resistance organization. Kylo Ren was trained to slaughter them on sight. It takes a moment to suppress the dark urge to follow his old master's orders. A vile taste fills his mouth.

The room goes quiet, but the tension Kylo Ren feels mostly stems from the gaze of the Resistance's General Organa. She looks upon him as his mother and it's entirely unsettling.

"General Organa, I'm sorry to interrupt," Poe says, guiding them further into the madhouse until they stand before her. "I have a plan to infiltrate the First Order and dismantle their Starkiller weapon."

Every eye is cautiously trained on Ren, despite the fact that Poe has clearly usurped the floor. They know of Ren's skill with the Force. They know he could outwit their pathetic attempt at restraining him. They know he can infiltrate their minds. Kylo can sense the tension each one of them exudes in attempt to block him out. 

Everyone except the General. She invites him in.

"You mean to use my son, Commander," She says with a passionate fire behind her words.

But they don't call Poe the most daring pilot in the Resistance for nothing. He stands his ground. "Indeed I do, General. We cannot afford to waste the opportunity we have at our feet with his capture."

Her eyes attempt at remaining hard and stiff like a General's should, but the overwhelming emotion behind them betray her. "Well then. Go on."

\-----

Hux's words haunt Rey's mind. _Just because you can't tell us about the droid, doesn't mean you don't have other uses_. The very thought fills her with dread. She doesn't want to be here to find out what he means by it. What would Ben do in this situation?

He'd use the Force!

She closes her eyes and tries to relax and focus. The force energy here is even more dark and chaotic than the energy flowing from Ben. This is a wicked place indeed. The dark side of the Force has seeped into everything within the room and Rey is reluctant to wield it.

The guard, though. His Force signature is weak and easily influenced. Rey remembers that the Jedi had the capability of using the force against those with weak minds. But how did they do it?

She takes a deep breath. "You will remove these restraints and leave with the cell door open."

Her heart speeds up to a rate entirely inhuman. The Stormtrooper looks her way. "What did you say?"

Rey takes another deep, rattling breath to steady those frenzied nerves. "You will remove these restraints and leave with the cell door open."

The guard lowers his weapon and begins walking toward her side. The anticipation is killing her. The guard stops at her side and regards her. "I'll tighten those restraints, scavenger scum!"

Rey stares into his helmet, daring one last time to attempt a Jedi mind trick. She tries to lock onto his eyesight, utilizing her gifted sense of the Force. Once she's sure she's locked onto his mind, she calms. "You will remove these restraints and leave with the cell door open."

The trooper straightens his posture and goes oddly stiff. "I will remove these restraints and leave with the cell door open."

And to her shock and awe, he does just so, reaching to unlatch her and turning to leave before she even gets off the rig.

An afterthought reaches her. "And do drop your weapon!"

"Aaaand I'll drop my weapon."

CLUNK! Rey scrambles from the rig, running purely on adrenaline alone, and finds herself armed and completely lost in the maze that is Starkiller Base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK IS LOVE! 
> 
> Your comments give me life. Thank you to all who do so! It really makes writing this beast so much more rewarding.
> 
> Again, updates regarding the fic will be posted on my tumblr, [rylokiley](http://rylokiley.tumblr.com/). Thank you!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all have been waiting patiently. You're in for a doozy this time.

Heavy boots pound on smooth stone flooring. Dark robes sway to and fro, barely sweeping the ground below. A masked man strides down the hallway with purpose. All know and avoid him, especially now that he has returned. Kylo Ren is more dangerous now than he's ever been before. All at Starkiller Base cower before him like the cowards they are. No one wants to be the one who triggers one of Kylo's bouts. Surely, the next person will get the life choked out of him.

Walking down the stark, ominous corridors of the First Order's base puts Kylo Ren in a sense of ease he hasn't felt since he first left. He knows who he is here, and everyone else does too. There's a certain pride to being an elite member of a notoriously corrupt organization. He feeds off the fear and it gives him an added boost of strength. The dark side of the Force flows through him like a fine wine. Kylo Ren is drunk with power.

Eventually, he comes to a pause before a grand entrance. "Enter, Kylo Ren," calls a booming voice from deep within the room.

Crossing the threshold, Kylo Ren enters a palatial cavern, it's depth and scope shrouded in shadows but for the platform to which Kylo must stand before. The platform is brightly lit by the only beam of sunlight to enter room.

Kylo Ren makes his way across the path, towards a grotesque creature of massive proportions sitting on an enormous throne. Nearly twenty times the size of himself, Supreme Leader Snoke peers down with his humorless black eyes and watches, carefully, as Kylo makes his way to the platform. 

For nearly three decades, this war-ravaged creature has done everything in his power to warp his mind, leaving Kylo equally as powerful as he was powerless. Nearly three decades of incessant whispers in his head and heavy-handed manipulation. Nearly three decades of promises at the price of his pride. Nearly three decades of being at the precipice of being broken, physically, spiritually, and mentally. All this, and for what?

All this rolled through Kylo's head as he and the pilot's Stormtrooper made their way back into familiar territory. It was stupidly easy to get through the planet's defenses. Snoke had anticipated his arrival. They landed with no problems at all. Kylo hopes FN-2187 -- _Finn_ \-- does his part in time.

Kylo Ren was an excellent student and he learned from both of his masters well. He must hide his emotions if he is to convince the all-seeing Supreme Leader. He must mask his thoughts as effectively as he masks his face.

"You have made a wise choice returning to your roots," the monster -- _no… Snoke_ \-- says. His large marble eyes examine him thoroughly in search of any form of dissention. "I'm pleased to know that you've realized that this is where you truly belong."

Ren's grateful for his mask. Kylo has learned well how to keep his emotions in check but his face is an entirely other matter. Snoke is goading him. That cannot possibly be a good thing. The Supreme Leader lied. He will not cast a blind eye over Ren's infraction. Supreme Leader Snoke remembers and Supreme Leader Snoke never forgets. Kylo has seen it with his own eyes. Why could he possibly believe that Snoke would make an exception of him?

"I'm delighted to be back in your good graces, Supreme Leader." Kylo says and even to him it sounds hollow. He'll have to be more convincing if he knows what's good for him.

The giant's face is old and wretched with worn skin pulled too tight across his skull like moth-eaten cloth. His thin lips frame a small slit of a mouth and it pulls his delicate skin even tighter as he stretches into a smirk. His humorless eyes are alight with intent and malice. The moment Kylo Ren walked into the cavern, a chess match between masters had begun.

"Good. I'm pleased to hear it." The behemoth adjusts his posture, sitting back in a more relaxing position. "Much has happened since your little… _escapade._ "

"Indeed, Supreme Leader, and I have learned much myself."

"All in due time," the Supreme Leader says. Kylo senses a confidence within the leviathan. Snoke believes he knows all that has transpired during Kylo's rogue operation. And yet he still knows nothing of the map to Skywalker, except that it's not in his hands. "Tell me about the girl."

A falter within Kylo Ren's perfectly constructed shield shifts the tension within the room and both men feel it. A misstep. One Ren must be quick to fix. "She's a scavenger. A desert rat. She is nothing."

Wrong. 

"I sense an awakening within her. You do not sense it, yourself? You, who have spent so much time with her?"

Another goading. Another test of loyalty.

"She is a nobody, Supreme Leader. I found her with the droid on Jakku. She had the droid's sympathies, that was her only use to me."

Again. Wrong. Fuck.

The giant shifts in his seat and leans forward, the light from the high ceiling pouring down his head shrouding his face in shadow. "You have compassion for her."

It was not a question. This was railing out of Kylo Ren's control. "No-Never. You taught me better than that."

"So I thought," the behemoth mutters and the jab wounds the part of Kylo Ren that still seeks his validation. Reminiscent of Rey's side wound. Ren must end this and soon. For Rey.

"We will have revisit this later. There are more important matters at hand. Bring the girl to me. If she's as strong as I sense she is, she will be quite valuable to the First Order."

Kylo Ren's stomach flips. No idea is more repulsive to him than the idea of Leader Snoke breaking and remaking Rey the way he had with himself. Rey is too precious to Ren. A hidden crystal lost in the desert sand.

"Yes, Supreme Leader. I will bring the girl to you at once."

"Good. There is no time to waste," Snoke says as his hologram begins to disintegrate, signaling Ren's departure. 

He scurries back down the dark and narrow path and out into the hallway. A desperation overcomes him, yet Ren must remain his stoic self if only for appearance purposes. He shuffles down nondescript but well-lit corridors, past nondescript but sturdy doors, until he reaches the one he's after. He had been told the prisoner was being primed for Hux. It could only mean that she's being held in the interrogation room. Ren knows the room and it's contents intimately. Kylo Ren didn't develop a reputation for being a hot-headed tyrant by going easy on his targets.

The doors slide open with a low hiss. Ren storms in and his heart sinks. " _No…_ "

The rig is empty. The officers on patrol assured him that Rey was here. Hux had them bring her specifically here. It was reported to him and confirmed. Ren senses the truth of the matter. She _was_ here. She escaped.

It does little to calm the madness inside him. Fear is usually his friend but today it is his enemy and it transforms him into the monster he despises. The lightsaber rockets from his side to his hand and ignites with a furious cackle. He takes out all of his anger out on the empty rig, metal pieces flying through the air like bullets. 

Two Stormtroopers walk down the hallway and pause when they see the falling sparks from the adjacent room. They know without needing to be told. Kylo Ren has returned and he is livid. They immediately turn around and find an alternate route.

When Ren finally calms down to a level-headed degree, he reaches out with the force. The base is too large and he's reading far to much to be able to sense anything specific. She could literally be anywhere.

And then he senses a disturbance. Han Solo. That reckless son of a mynock. The Millennium Falcon has breached security, but the First Order has yet to detect them. The General didn't sanction a secret op in tandem with his own. Kylo Ren has a bad feeling about this.

***

Rey, on the other hand, hides her tiny frame in the shadows of corridors. She has her desert garb to thank for her stealth and ethereal presence. She might as well be a ghost. In secret, she's thankful for the poor visibility those stupid Stormtrooper helmets have. One trooper passed her in earnest despite being poorly concealed and huddled in a corner.

But she finds herself trapped as she discovers a poorly guarded shuttle hangar fully equipped with an enemy ship awaiting a pilot to take it for a ride. The hangar is not devoid of troopers and they happen to have their backs to her currently, but a new wave of guards sweeps the hallway towards her. Her only option is a harrowing one. She gets down on her knees and begins to climb down the grand precipice before her. It's the only way to remain unseen. 

***

Han Solo and Chewbacca enter into the compound through an unorthodox entrance. Chewbacca's bowcaster blasting the poor soldier on guard. 

"The longer we're here, the less luck we're going to have," Han comments and Chewie moans a response. "You look for Finn and help him take down those shields. I'm going after my son."

***

Kylo Ren is enraged or so he'd like his subordinates to think. He's ordered a manhunt. Rey must be found by any means necessary, even if it means playing the part of Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren. In truth, he isn't sure who he is anymore. He sheds identities like an invertebrate sheds it's shell. He doesn't feel like Kylo Ren anymore, but he sure as shit isn't Ben Solo…

…Or is he?

A trooper reports that there's been no sign of the girl. Ren's heart blasts to the speed of light. "Find her," he threatens through the mask. "She's going to try to steal a ship. Put all hangars on lockdown."

***

Chewbacca fires and blasts the final guard in his way towards the control room. "Yeah!" The Stormtrooper at his side whips ups, removing his helmet. "That's how it's done," he says, fired up, and gives the Wookiee a slap on the back. Chewie growls a warning. "Whoa," Finn says backing up with hands up. "Won't happen again. Let's get these shields down."

***

Rey climbs through a partition and begins her ascent to the pathway above her. It's clear, luckily. Pulling herself up, she observes the hangar just beyond her. Not clear. The Blaster! She stealthily jogs to an alcove, shielding her from sight. She readies her weapon. Bending her knees she gets low to the ground. She twists her body and aims her weapon.

There's three of them down below scattered around a First Order ship. Can she get them all before one of them sounds an alarm? She steadies herself in a crude attempt at relaxation. She focuses on her breathing. Slow and steady.

***

A low sound hums throughout the compound but it's so subtle that only Kylo Ren pauses to listen to it. FN-2187… _Finn_ did it. He lowered the shields. Ren has wasted too much time already. Hux has already started charging the weapon, sucking up the raw plasmatic energy of a nearby star -- an enormous violation to the Galactic Republic. He only has minutes left to sabotage the system, but something in the Force stops him cold.

It's her. Finally. She's close but something's wrong. A lieutenant arrives with news. "The girl has been spotted," he says, "in hangar B4." Ren storms away without acknowledging the lieutenant and heads straight for the hangar. It's not far at all. She's in trouble.

He arrives on the scene, a black menace with a troupe of white soldiers on his tail, and immediately he senses her high on the platform above the hangar, but the sense is much too dull. She's hurt again. Kylo has to think.

"I'll take this from here," he snarls at the Stormtroopers, effectively dismissing them. They turn to march away but there's still three more to contend with and they're shooting at the girl up on the platform above them. Her side is affecting her and she winces every time she twists around to shoot. 

Ren doesn't even think it through before his lightsaber ignites eagerly in his murderous hand and strikes the first Stormtrooper down with an elegant and deadly strike. He glides quickly from side to side, a menacing sight, striking down the second target who falls dead to the ground. Kylo Ren twists forward and slices the final trooper's garb down the back as if he were gutting a fish. It pushes the trooper over the edge of the platform and down, down the harrowing and seemingly endless depths below.

Rey. She's suffering. Kylo wastes no time and races to her side. Climbing up the staircase, he finds Rey slouched against a corner clutching her side, eyes closed.

"Rey," he sighs into the heavy and constricting mask. "What were you thinking?"

"I had it… under control," Rey breathlessly whispers.

Ren can't help but smile despite his worry. Her incessant perseverance is adorable. "Sure you did," he responds as he evaluates her condition. He gently places his hand on her wrist and carefully pulls it up to examine the wound. It's not good. The wound is festering. 

She may have been floating in and out of consciousness, but Rey still manages to sense Ben's fear as he replaces her hand protectively over the wound once again. She knows without being told. "What are you… doing here?" She manages to say through the intolerable pain.

Kylo looks at her so intensely, but it's a struggle for Rey to focus. Her head weighs heavy on her shoulders. He holds her face in the palms of his gloved hands and their connection surges between them. 

_Rey, don't you know already?_ The words caress sweetly against her mind. _I could never leave you behind._

Rey's breath quickens as she stares into the ferocious mask of Kylo Ren, struggling to see the man she knows inside the shell. "Ben," she breathes before losing consciousness altogether.

Frantic, Ren scoops her up into his arms, throwing her limp arms around his neck and ensuring that her face rests comfortably on his shoulders. His arm cradles her svelte frame protectively and pulls her close. Her nose grazes the fabric of his turtleneck. The intimacy of holding her so close stirs feelings within Ren that he's never experienced before - deep, feral ones - that flushes his cheeks a flaming red. 

Ren's mind is a flurry of panic. The urge to run away is strong and runs deep. The need to sabotage his former allies feels familiar. Yet so many new sensations he's never had before fluster his mind in conjunction. The panicked desire to save this beautiful stranger's life. Carnal desires which betray his immediate priorities.

No time. They need to disable the weapon and escape. And Rey needs a doctor. 

He's startled to hear the compound rumble. The pilot and the other X-Wings are starting to cause trouble. Good. It'll be easier for Ren to disable the weapon this way. Hux will focus on exterminating the pests and ignorantly leave the weapon to charge without his immediate supervision. 

Kylo Ren has a plan once again. He darts off with the girl heavy in his broad arms and makes his way for the medic unit.

***

Han Solo knows his son is close but this backpack full of explosives won't set themselves. He arrives in a large circular and spacious cavern that's several stories high. Planting bombs throughout the oscillator structure would certainly put the entire complex at risk of implosion. That should help the Resistance destroy the weapon.

***

The medical care unit is, thankfully, composed of droids who have been programmed in such a way that discourages the development of artificial intelligence. They know how to heal the living and completing the job at hand satisfies them well enough without asking any questions. For this, Ren is extremely grateful. The last thing he needs is for his cover to be completely blown by an overly curious metal shell full of nuts and bolts.

"She's hurt," he explains as he hastily arrives. "I need her well. Time is of the essence."

The droids instruct him to place her on a cot. "She's been shot," one states blandly.

"On her side," Ren clarifies. "The wound is festering. She needs bacta pads to remove the infection. Revive her and quickly, or I'll have you in parts before the hour is over." The droids scatter to work urgently and Ren swishes away towards the control room.

***

Chewbacca and Finn arrive in the immense oscillator where Han is placing detonators. "Solo," Finn loudly whispers across the room which is otherwise silent as the grave. "Solo!"

A hand reaches out and covers the young man's mouth. "Were you planning on getting us killed, kid?"

The young defector fidgets his way out of the old man's grip. "Hell, no," the lively trooper answers. "But I'd like to get ourselves out of here. Chewie and I lowered the shields."

Han mocks enthusiasm. "Well that's just swell, kid, but the job ain't over yet." Han nods to the corridor not far away. "Why don't you make yourself useful and find a girl named Rey."

Finn's eyes grow wide. "Kylo was supposed to rescue her. He made that explicitly clear and I've been trained to do exactly as that man says on penalty of death."

Han stares at him, a little choked up. Finn notices but realizes the look wasn't meant for him to see. And though Finn doesn't understand why his eyes look like they've sunk a mile under water, he knows better than to acknowledge it. If he's learned anything from his lifetime of being a First Order flunkey, it's that you never ask questions about things that are none of your business if you want to keep your head on your shoulders.

 _Kylo_. It's hard for Han to still accept the fate of his only son. That he chooses to go by the name of a war criminal over his own birth name. That to bear a name with such a hated reputation is more acceptable than the name given to him out of love.

"Make yourself useful, kid. Find the girl and bring her here. We'll rendezvous there," he points upwards to an opening which displays the giant beam of plasma descending upon the planet from the heavens above. "Got it?"

Finn nods and without another word takes off into the interior of Starkiller Base. 

***

Just as Kylo Ren suspected, Hux has failed to manage the Resistance's attack. His temper is rising, Ren can tell by his hair which is starting to fall out of place. Kylo Ren storms into the room like the mad dog he is and nobody questions his arrival. Perfect.

An immense beam of yellow-orange plasma shoots from the cloudy sky down to the trees. Hux's Starkiller machine works and entirely too well. The loathsome rancor. With his every step stomping with power and foreboding, Kylo Ren walks up to a colonel at a control panel. Lifting his gloved hand, he enters the mind of Hux's drone with the Force. Ren finds him just as boring and tedious as Hux, but he discovers a useful memory. 

The colonel is fixed in placed and shaking with great pain as the invasion shuffles through the inner workings of his mind. He relaxes and is relieved when Kylo finally exits and walks away. He returns to his duty. He notes the charging of the weapon and decides to decelerate it's consumption of the star. It'll overheat, he thinks, and then destroy itself if it gets any higher. No sense burning out a brand new weapon so soon after it's earlier success. In fact, he might as well turn it off. It's at an 85% charge and there's absolutely no need for it.

Kylo Ren twists around from the shadows and notes the increasingly fading light as the weapon halts its consumption of the star. He cannot resist one quick glance at his nemesis. A sweat breaks across his bow and a few more pieces of ginger hair fling into his pale face which gets increasingly red by the second, so much so that it matches his hair color when Kylo exits to the corridor.

***

Rey awakens in a strange room she doesn't remember walking into. Droids pace around her content in their duty of checking screens, reviewing documents, and cleaning instruments. A medic ward, Rey realizes. She doesn't remember how she got here. Last she remembers, she was about to take down three Stormtroopers and fly away in one of their shuttles.

A Stormtrooper storms into the room, full of purpose and authority. He holds a strange gait. He doesn't walk like other Stormtroopers. He shuffles around too much. Rey lifts herself up off the table she lays on.

"Aren't you a little fidgety for a Stormtrooper?"

"Huh? Oh, the uniform." The trooper slides off his helmet in one swift movement. "I'm Finn. I'm here to rescue you."

***

Han Solo has placed several detonators throughout the cavern but can't help focusing on this nagging feeling that something isn't right. Both Finn and Chewie have been instructed to rendezvous on the west side where Han has spotted an easy get-away out into the snowy forests where the Falcon hides in wait for a quick escape. Han is nearly there himself but a voice inside his head tells him to wait for his son, and it sounds an awful lot like Leia.

***

Amid the ruckus, the ever-present green star within Kylo Ren's mind calls for him. _You are a damned fool, Kylo Ren, if you thought you could outsmart me._ Snoke. Ren stops dead in his tracks in yet another nondescript metallic corridor. The charade is over. His cover has been blown. _I must say, supplanting memories in a colonel's mind is quite a fascinating choice for a brand new Resistance fighter. I suspect they choose more honorable paths in their fight._

 _Get out of my head once and for all,_ Kylo snipes.

 _Don't be hasty,_ Snoke slithers. _I've still got one more offer because I suspect you haven't crossed over into the light._

 _You're wrong, you overgrown corpse._ Kylo growls. _I'm not with them anymore than I'm with you._

The monster chortles wickedly. _We shall see about that, young Kylo Ren._

Anger surges through Kylo like wildfire, stoked by the condescension in Snoke's words. The power of the dark side overpowers his good senses.

 _Good,_ The monster coos, _Let your feelings flow free. Harness the immense power of the dark side._

Kylo Ren wants to smash something to pieces. The urge to ravage and destroy fuels the raging wildfire within him and it spreads all the way down to his clenched fists. 

_As you already know, Han Solo has arrived._ Snoke informs. _He is your greatest test to date. Free yourself from his ties or else you will never know true freedom of which you desire so greatly._

The green star retreats from the space within Kylo Ren's inner galaxy. It's work has been completed. The poison has been released and it slips through the deep cracks of Kylo Ren's mind eating away at him slowly like acid. 

The light and the dark. Each pulls at him desperate for pure domination within him and he is so tired of fighting. The strain to contain them is too great. He pities the poor fools who happen to get caught in the midst of the hurricane that will surely explode out of him when he eventually snaps.

***

Han Solo sees the swish of a black cape enter the cavern, but the light of the star casts shadows throughout the oscillator and makes it difficult to see. Chewie notes the strange behavior of his friend and urgently moans for him to follow. "I'm alright, pal. You get to the Falcon. I'm right behind you." Chewie groans a worried moan, but waits for Han by their agreed exit.

From behind a pillar, Han watches and lays in wait as his son moves throughout the perimeter and eventually steps onto the lonely bridge that spreads from one side to the other. His gut is in perpetual turmoil but his head tells him that this is his only chance. He must reach his son or risk losing him once more and for good.

"BEN!" He shouts and the echoes reverberate throughout the entire room. 

Kylo Ren stops midway across the bridge and stands, stoically. He knew his father would be here. He could sense it. "Han Solo," he says impartially, as if the man before him was an acquaintance he had only met casually. "I knew you couldn't resist a suicide mission. You never could."

Han slowly steps onto the bridge and begins making his way towards his son. "Take off that mask," he shouts. "You don't need it."

"What do you think you'll see if I do?" Kylo asks calmly with authority.

"The face of my son. The face that I saw several hours ago on my ship."

"Does the face belong to your son or to the monster you helped create?" Kylo Ren reaches up and unlatches the mask. Lifting the helmet, he reveals the attractive face of a man who greatly resembles his smuggler father. Luscious locks of dark, shiny hair tousled atop a long face with a prominent nose and deep dark eyes. 

Even now, the face of his son still startles Han and he takes a sharp breath at the sight. He's only ever known the face of his little boy who he sent away when he still a youthful child. The face of his adult son is one he still has a hard time getting acquainted with. It's almost unsettling how much he looks like himself as a young man, but he has Leia's deep eyes full of expression. 

The man before him may still have been the same man Han found aboard the Millennium Falcon, but something has changed. This is not Ben. This is Kylo Ren. The two are not to be confused for they are not the same.

"Your son is gone," Kylo Ren states cold and harsh, but a note of innocence in his voice refuses to be concealed. "He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him."

It's not true. Not one word of it. They are the naïve and ashamed words of a troubled youth, one under the spell of the dark side.

"That's what Snoke wants you to think," Han says, taking a step closer towards the man his son has become. "You've seen him, haven't you? He's poisoned you once more against us. It's not true. Nothing he says is true. My son is still alive. I've seen him."

Kylo Ren remains silent. He has no love for Snoke, not anymore, but the beast's words make an awful lot of sense.

"No," he struggles to say, "The Supreme Leader is wise."

"Snoke is using you for your power! When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you! You know it's true."

Kylo's resolve starts to flounder. He does know it's true. But he knows his father stands between him and his desires.

"Leave here with me," Han urges, stepping even closer. "Come home. We miss you."

The light and the dark, pulling in equal measure on opposing sides. The strain is far too much to bear.

"I'm being torn apart," Ren gasps overwhelmed with emotion, his lessons failing him. A lonely tear goes rogue and races down to his cheek. "I want to be free of this pain."

It takes everything Han Solo has not to reach out and comfort him. Ben Solo lives but Kylo Ren has him trapped and locked away and only the deepest corners of his dark eyes show proof of his existence. 

Ren gasps as the strain within him tears his resolve into shreds. "I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?"

Chewie watches the sight from the rendezvous point. This is wrong. Everything is wrong. Even the Wookiee knows it's true. The arrival of Finn and Rey do nothing to quell the dread that builds in his gut. The deserter and the scavenger watch the scene before them uneasily.

Rey watches as the man she knows as Ben takes out the hilt of his lightsaber into the palm of his hand and holds it out for his father to take. Even she suspects the truth of the matter. This isn't Ben, not her Ben. This is the masked man from her visions. Kylo Ren. It's perhaps the first time she's ever seen him. A breath catches in her throat unwilling to be released.

Kylo Ren holds the hilt of his saber in the palm of his hand and extends it for his father. "Yes," Han says desperately. "Anything." He reaches out and grabs the weapon with his right hand. Together they stand there in a tension-filled sort of harmony as the light from the absorbed sun wanes and eventually goes out entirely, leaving the men standing in an eerie, foreboding red glow.

Han twists around to note the change. "You did it," he says under his breath. "You disabled the weapon."

The pride displayed on the old man's face comes far too late. Where was this pride when he joined Skywalker's Jedi Academy? Tears stream down Kylo Ren's face. Oh, the wasted years, how he mourns for what could have been but what never was.

The lightsaber ignites and it's shaft tears right through Han's gut. His face twists in shock and horror and it's as if time had slowed down considerably with Kylo Ren standing completely numb. The eyes of his father scream out the agony that his lips wont. 

"Thank you," Kylo says gazing into those wild, dying eyes.

But as he studies them, Kylo sees a lifetime of emotion welled inside them. Regret, compassion, but mainly love. Above all else, love is what shines through Han Solo's dying eyes as he gazes upon his murderous son. Love, coupled with forgiveness. A shaky hand extends and lovingly caresses Kylo Ren's cheek as a father would do to his beloved son.

What has Kylo Ren done? 

Removing the saber from it's target, the body of his father falls lifeless into blue abyss below, never to be seen again. 

Snoke said Han Solo was the one obstacle in his way to true freedom. His death should have brought Kylo Ren fulfillment and contentment. The death of his father should have made him stronger with the Force but it only seems to have made him even weaker. 

The light and the dark. The Force is all around everybody and everything and it connects all of us in a harmonious energy. Then why does it feel like they’ve attached strings Kylo Ren's every joint and throughout his very muscles and they pull him back and forth like puppet strings? 

Snoke was horribly wrong. Han Solo was not the one impeding Ren from his quest for true freedom. It's the Force. Kylo Ren has no masters, and yet he will forever more be a puppet on a string.

" **NO!** " 

Kylo looks up to the balcony above where the cry originated. Before he can identify the woman who screamed, he's jolted to his knees by a blast to his side so powerful it ought to have killed him outright. Instead, it knocked the wind out of him temporarily and gave him a wound matching Rey's. Still, despite being stunned to temporary paralysis, he still scouts for her. He knows before he even sees with his eyes. The cry came from Rey. She's on the balcony with that insubordinate FN-2187. Rey, whom he left in a medic ward. Rey, the one person in the entire galaxy who makes him ashamed to be Kylo Ren. 

The damage is irreparable. She's fleeing with FN-2187 out into the snowy forests and the slight wounds him deeper than the damage he's already inflicted upon his own soul. Kylo Ren cannot afford to let her get away. She may be the only thing left in this world that could save him from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is love! I read every single comment and appreciate every kudo that comes my way. You guys keep me going, truly.
> 
> Again, fanfic updates will be posted on my tumblr, [rylokiley](http://rylokiley.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> Thank you all! I love you guys!


	8. Chapter 8

The sensation of snow falling and melting on her bare skin is a shock to Rey who continues to wear her desert scraps in the freezing forests of enemy territory. Somewhere in the back of her brain, Rey shuffles through memories wondering when she first heard of snow and whether or not she believed them. It never snows on Jakku. There's not enough moisture in the atmosphere for such pleasures.

Did Rey know that snow is cold? She must have, but running through blankets of the stuff makes her wonder if she truly understood. It's cold and it bites like the desert nights in winter. And wet. So much wetter than Rey could've possibly imagined. The snow clings and melts on her clothes and it never dries. And it's absolutely everywhere.

She thinks this as she runs for her life through the forests of Starkiller Base in search of Han's ship.

_Han._

How could this have happened? Nothing makes sense. Did Ben ever exist or was he Kylo Ren the entire time? If he was planning to murder his father, why didn't he do it on the Falcon? Just how much trouble is Rey in?

She looks over her shoulder. Finn still huffs beside her but Chewie is nowhere to be found. They're lost and defenseless.

Finn comes to a halt a few seconds later and Rey with him. Standing before them is the monster himself and he looks terrible. His pale face drowns in sweat and snow with strands of his hair plastered everywhere. His black robes cover every inch of his skin and the loose fabric sways in the winter breeze. Rey doesn't recognize this man. Not anymore.

"Rey," he says but it's really a plea. A cry for absolution. It's an apology Rey has no intentions of forgiving. In fact, she is frozen in place and unwilling to move. She keeps a distanced stare. There is nothing left for her to say. "Rey, please don't do this."

Finn erupts. "She has nothing to say to you."

Rey stirs, turning to lay a quieting hand on her new friend's arm. "Finn, don't."

Kylo Ren boils. How are they any different, Finn and Kylo? They're both former First Order who snuck in for some undercover sabotage. Ren is sure that Finn's hands aren't any cleaner than his own. They are no different.

"Please talk to me, Rey. Say something."

Rey returns her stony gaze upon him. "What is it that you want, Kylo?"

_Kylo._

He squeezes his tear-stained eyes shut for a moment before relaxing once more, turning from desperation to depression.

"Don't be this way," he pleads. "Not after everything we've been through."

"And what of Han?" She yells. "What about all he's been through?"

"You don't understand," he says, completely frustrated. "Give me a chance to explain!"

"I don't think you understand," Rey says low and firm. The resentment flows through her veins thick as blood. "We are not friends. I don't know who you are! You're a monster."

Ren is frantic. Desperately, he calls on the Force to find away out of this. He searches his connection to her, even now it flows strong, and he can sense her feelings of betrayal. If only he could take it all back.

"I'm not leaving here without you," He says, igniting his lightsaber and it paints his skin a menacing red.

She grips the blaster in her hand tightly. "No. You're not," she says. "We're taking you back to D'Qar."

She raises the blaster, ready to injury him. Defensively, he raises his hand, quick as lightning, and Force pushes her away. She flies in the air, disarmed, until her back slams into a tree several feet away. She falls hard and lays still, half-buried in the snow. Horrified, Finn runs to her side.

Kylo Ren looks at his gloved hand. This was all going wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

"Rey!" Finn cries. "No!"

The sight of Finn at Rey's side enrages Kylo. A fiery heat fumes through Kylo's body and he feels the dark side of the Force fuel his fury. Swinging his saber around threateningly, he bristles. " _You_." 

Finn's attentions stray from the concussed Rey at the sounds of Kylo's lightsaber. Anticipating that such a moment would arise, he grips on to a metal object hidden in his belt. He cannot revive Rey, but he can protect her from this demon. He flips a switch and a heavenly blue glow springs out of the hilt.

It can't be. Not the saber that Maz Kanata left in Ren's care. It's his to give to Rey. "That lightsaber," Kylo screams out pointing with his own saber, "it belongs to me!"

Finn holds the hilt with both hands and raises the saber in a fighting stance. "Come and get it, then!"

Kylo Ren is out of control and as the lightsaber beam rails against the Stormtrooper's valiant blue, he cannot help but wonder if he truly is in control. His rage is blinding and razor focused. A piece of him loves taking the traitor down a peg or two, yet Ren's arms do not feel like his own. They don't parry enough and lunge far too often. 

A hit on Kylo's shoulder. The charred fabric singes and tiny wisps of smoke dissipate into the cold winter wind. Kylo examines the hit carefully and let's his anger flush him full of darkness. He retaliates in a fierce attack and corners the foolish trooper against a tree stump, twisting his saber so the crossblade sizzles into Finn's shoulder. Jealousy holds a firm grip on him, sure, but something else is driving this fight, something deep and intense. Vengeance. Punishment. The feelings are not his own. Not at all. 

Disarming Finn, Kylo allows the sacred saber fall into the perfect, undisturbed patch of snow. As he swings a spine-searing final blow on his foe, Ren comes to a horrifying realization. 

The green star. No longer hidden in the corner of his mind, it has grown to insufferable proportions, feeding off the darkness Kylo carries inside him, and taints everything remotely good in it's vicinity. Perhaps it's not a green star after all but a malignant tumor.

Finn lies motionless in the snow when Ren's blinding rage dies and he regains control once more. Horrified, he takes in the scene and his mind scrambles to rectify it. This isn't what he wanted. 

The lightsaber sits idle in the snow. Through the Force, Kylo can feel it's repulsion from him. It knows. It calls for another. Ren raises his arm and pulls for the hilt to fly into his hand. The least he could do is give it to it's rightful successor.

It stirs and wiggles in it's spot, struggling. Suddenly, it's airborne and it flings itself towards Kylo Ren and narrowly flies past him into the open palm of the revived girl. 

She stands before the black monster astonished. _It worked!_ She expects him to be furious, but instead he stares at her with glistening eyes of wonder. He was right, she realizes. Rey is incredibly strong with the Force but completely untrained and undisciplined.

They will fight. This, Rey is sure of. He may be weakened from his side wound, but Kylo Ren is still the most dangerous person to duel in the entire universe. 

This fight may be her last. 

Rey's heartbeat runs on adrenaline alone and though she tries to cast out the fear and doubt, they still linger within her and it shows on her face. Nonetheless, justice must be served and swiftly. She still needs him.

Igniting the lightsaber, she poses in a fighting stance but it feels hollow even to her. The fear and anxiety bubble to the surface unwittingly. She watches as Ren's heart sinks from his eyes down to his chest as he reluctantly switches his own saber back on.

"I don't want to fight you," he says, full of softness as his saber is held in a submissive and vulnerable spot at his side.

"Somebody has to stop you," she retorts with a steely resolution.

The sabers hum along with the wind in anticipation of the fight to come. Kylo Ren winces and tenderly holds his side. Rey knows how that injury feels. The wound eats away at the flesh and spills hot, thick blood everywhere. A phantom injury prods at her side at the thought despite the healing she received. He's weak, she realizes. Perhaps she does have a chance at stopping him.

He returns his stare back to her as thick black locks of hair blow against his pale face. His eyes beg her for mercy and she returns the look with eyes of cold hard steel. She grips the saber even tighter.

Relenting, he twirls his wrist and twists the saber around in a circular arc. A goad. His eyes beckon her forth, but they hold a hint of humor in them too and it pisses Rey off. She lunges.

The sabers strike with a thunderous crackle and Rey has the upper hand. She strikes and lunges but he quickly blocks and parries the attack. Each strike causes the sabers to spark and crackle in anger. Ren studies her movements, her style, and her energy with careful precision. He thinks this is just a game! The thought enrages her and she strikes even harder than before. When she runs out of momentum, she retreats to safer ground. He lunges after her occasionally but even Rey knows he's not giving her his all. 

He's too busy studying her, giving her just enough to challenge her. It's a test. Ren could never harm her and he's built an impenetrable fortress around the venomous green star in his mind to prevent another mental hijack. She's good -- very good, actually. Untrained, sure, but her pure reflexive instincts are extraordinary. Ren bets that she'd be an extremely talented padawan, going through the training in no time and excelling at every challenge. 

The ties that bind them together yearn for a deeper connection. The Force calls him towards her. They are bound together in the strings of fate, Ren is certain. The momentum they build in this fight is exhilarating and Ren enjoys every moment but to be so close and not be able to touch her is unbearable. 

Kylo Ren is a tough opponent, and Rey struggles to find an upper hand. She tried steering them towards a gully but he started gaining on her. She tried weaving through trees, but the strength of his strikes leveled them. Rey begins to stumble and looses the momentum for good. Ren gains on her. He's swift and shifts his weight between his wide-angled feet and the shuffle throws Rey off. 

As they fight, the forest around them starts to shake and quiver and Rey feels uncertain on her feet. A man-made earthquake starts to rumble. The oscillator finally blew. The planet is on the brink of implosion and the earth starts to split in response. The Resistance did it! 

She parries and blocks Ren's strong attacks until he finally has Rey cornered. A newly formed cliff stops her cold. It's depths are far too deep to see, but it glows an unnatural yellow-orange and Rey suspects lava flows in it's depths. The fall alone would kill a person before it even reached the molten rock.

Fear reaches her eyes and he stands before her, confident of his power over her in this moment. His lightsaber crackles over her head and her blue holds it steady from pushing her over. Together, the red and the blue cast a striking violet over their skins and the light pulsates and hums angrily above them. His eyes are cold and hard to read, but not menacing, like they should be. They penetrate deep into her soul.

"You need a teacher," he shouts over the angry clashing sabers. The words strike her familiar. "I can teach you the ways of the Force.

The Force! Rey closes her eyes and calls to the calming energy that flows through her. She can sense the frenetic darkness swirling around Kylo Ren but it seems to ease with each second he stands in her presence. Calling to the Force, she feels bold. Strong. Capable.

Slowly and surely, Rey opens them once more and with all her might she throws him away from her and regains the momentum she lost before. She strikes, hard and strong, and his weakened state cannot recuperate enough to stop her in time. Ren stumbles backwards and suddenly he is unsure of her capabilities. She stalks towards him, blind with power, and grabs the hilt of his faulty lightsaber. Still in shock, Ren cannot stop her, try though he might as she starts driving the saber into the cold hard ground. They groan in an epic struggle for power. 

_He's afraid_. Rey can sense his growing anxiety and she's shocked to learn that she loves it.

"Your father was right about you," she growls low and gritty. Every muscle within his body seizes. "There's nothing we can do with you."

Distracted and hurt, Ren has a moment of ultimate weakness. He snaps his neck and stares at her in disbelief. Why, when this girl judges him, does it matter so much? How does she hold this exorbitant weight over him?

Rey takes advantage of his vulnerability and strikes the blade with her saber, effectively breaking it. Then, in the blink of an eye, she swings the beautiful blue upward and a large slice of red mars his right shoulder, his neck, and finally streaks across his face, leaving him lying defenseless on the ground.

Her heart races and her lungs heave for breath, but she did it! She defeated him! Ruthlessly. And Rey liked it. Now, he lies helpless on the blanket of white snow in the cold, isolating forest with no one around for miles as the earth continues to rumble around them.

 _KILL HIM._

Every nerve within her feels alive and on fire. She could end so much suffering now with one blow. So many wrongs can be righted. Justice can be served. It would be a merciful death, even.

 _KILL HIM_. A dissonant voice whispers in her ear. The voice belongs to herself. A deep feral part buried deep inside the engulfing sands of her mind, now awakening and rising to the surface by the Force… but that's not quite right. It wasn't the Force itself that broke this part of her open. The energy that flows with a fury, hot and strong, is not the calming river of the Light side but the chaotic electric current of the Dark side.

Ren gazes up at her, not the loathsome monster that he had been moments ago, but the scared boy he once had been. As she glares, Ren attempts to lift himself off the ground but his shoulder is far too sliced up to hold any of his weight. His dark, intense eyes pierce an urgent question into her. A true plea for his life.

Perhaps for the very first time, Rey finally sees the true face of Ben Solo.

Her heart leaps as her saber drops and hands clasp her gaping mouth closed as she falls to her knees. What has she done?

Everything is backwards from Takodana. The Force flowed calm through the trees and surrounded them with warmth and goodness, apart from the eternal conflict within Kylo Ren, but here the force shakes riotously through the snow-covered trees and it escapes the angry earth chaotic and full of darkness, apart from Ben Solo whose internal turmoil has turned to grief and regret and flows calmer than anything else in this horrible place.

Their heavy eyes lock and the Force flows strong between them. Rey can no longer ignore the truth. They need each other. They are bound together by the Force, sealing their fates in each other's hands.

"I almost killed you," she rattles with a voice so jittery it matches her shaking hands.

"I would have let you."

The weight of his worlds fall heavy on Rey's heart and she remembers how little she actually knows about him. Moments of complete vulnerability pass as the world around them shatters and quakes, splitting the earth into gullies and canyons. They are stranded and doomed.

"I wish that droid had never come to me," she murmurs but Ren hears it all the same. The implication is clear. Had she never crossed paths with the droid, she would have never met him. A crushing blow to the all-consuming black hole within his heart.

He can hardly keep his eyes open and Ren is terrified to shut them. Will she still be there when he opens them? Will he ever open them again? A quick glance to the left confirms a dangerous thought: He's lost a lot of blood. He's dying.

As his eyelids drift downward, the evening landscape changes. Bright light floods the space and swathes itself around Rey giving her a heavenly glow. She's so beautiful, even now. Losing consciousness, the intense light washes away until his vision is goes dark once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Feedback is love!**
> 
> I apologize for taking so long to post this chapter. I wanted it to be longer. I wanted it to be just right. I wanted more time to work on it than I had -- thank you end-of-semester papers and illness!
> 
> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> And remember: Adam, Daisy, and Mark are in Ireland filming!! :):):)


	9. Chapter 9

To anyone watching from afar, the giant snow planet turns in perfect harmony like all the other intergalactic objects in deep space. It's man-made blaster, carved deep into the rock like a belt, has already consumed a star and destroyed five smaller planets within it's vicinity. Yet, it is merely one planet amongst an endless ocean of space.

Millions of objects fly out of it's atmosphere in escape as the planet starts to crack and glow a ghastly yellow. Amongst those objects are the Resistance's surviving X-Wing pilots and the fastest ship in it's fleet, the Millennium Falcon. They cheer in celebration as the planet they escaped from implodes. A layer of debris rockets out into space while the blue planet engulfs itself into a deadly yellow. Starkiller Base is no more. It's a massive victory for the Resistance considering all they have already lost.

The ships make haste for their home base of D'Qar, a mountainous planet, largely nondescript, but it's beautiful and discreet. Had they not destroyed the weapon, D'Qar would have become a pile of rubble and all hope in restoring balance to the galaxy would have been lost.

General Leia Organa waits in the hangar for the return of her heroic fighter pilots, and one ship specifically. A large round hunk of junk that should have been thrown in a trash heap ages ago. A ship that has saved her life on numerous occasions. A ship she once planned on spending the rest of her life in. And when it lands, her heart grows heavy with grief. She already knows. It felt like a knife had jabbed itself into her heart nearly knocking the life out of her. It pains her deeply when Chewbacca exits the ship without her husband at his side. He brings with him two unconscious men thrown carefully across his big, broad shoulders and the medic team rushes to get them to the medical wing in time.

She manages to catch the Wookiee's eye and they exchange a comforting stare. They will always have each other, and for that Leia is immensely grateful. She nods her head and the Wookiee does the same before racing off to see to the wounded. 

A girl departs from the ship onto the hangar, looking both too young and too old to have experienced such trauma. Leia can sense the grief hanging over the girl. They share a loss, the two of them, both different but alike in an unexplainable way. The girl senses their connection and walks toward the General, knowing exactly who she is. Without speaking a single word, the two women embrace knowing exactly how the other feels. 

\---

Ren is grateful the instant his eyes crack open. He's alive and he knows it was because of her. She chose to save him. His heart pounds at the thought.

The problem is… everything hurts. His side wound still bites with a vengeance despite the treatment. Both shoulders scream in agony when he tries to lift himself off the bedding onto his elbows. Lastly, he notes the scar, a bloody trail that marks him as weak. Ren winces as he tries to examine it's tenderness. A part of him wants to hate it -- he's been maimed before but never so brutally -- but he can't bring himself to. He deserved these scars, especially because they came from her. They're a reminder of all that's gone wrong. They're a precious gift.

He's been in this room before. The musty smell of earth hangs upon this place thick as air. It was only a day or two ago since he'd last occupied this space, but it feels like a lifetime ago. He'd grown since Ren had last been here. All the furniture, apart from the chair, has been bolted to the floor. Had it been that way before? He can't remember. A sliver of a smirk etches on his face. His reputation as a hothead precedes him.

A prickle on his bare skin. He examines the tiny iron-walled cell more thoroughly. Clearly, he is still considered a high-priority prisoner and yet they healed him. For what, exactly? Through the Force, Ren senses the tension in the air thick as fog, and it's all because of him. The mood is different now than it was then. Before, the animosity was clear, precise, and warranted. Now there's a confusion and pity that twines itself throughout the compound like the vines and roots that plant themselves within the very walls of the Resistance base. It makes Kylo Ren uneasy.

The golden protocol droid delivers his food, much to Kylo's irritation. It prattles on and on about how it puts it's life on the line to serve him food. How unlucky of a droid he is for always drawing the short end of the stick. Being a waiter for prisoners of war wasn't part of his cyborg programming. Kylo considers sending him a dose of fate, but manages a bit of self control, allowing the droid to live another day outside of a scrap heap.

But before the droid leaves, he barks only one request. "Tell your masters, I'll speak to the girl and only the girl. No one else."

The droid cocks itself in confusion. "I'm sorry, Master Ren, but there are many women within the base. Could you be a bit more specific, perhaps?"

Palm up, Ren pushes the droid towards the door with the Force, causing it to yelp and skitter out the cell as fast as it's antiquated legs would allow.

Once the droid leaves, Ren is left to the mercy of his thoughts. One memory in particular keeps playing in his mind and it's one he'd give anything to forget. It's even worse reliving it every time he closes his eyes. 

The memory of his father shouting his name echoes across the vast spaces within his galactic mind reaching the far corners and refuses to fade. He remembers the weight of the saber in his hand and the forward thrust… it makes his stomach churn. The wafting smell of the food sitting in the corner of the room makes it worse.

It's the eyes that haunt him most of all. The dying, silent scream they pierced into Ren won't leave him ever again. Not to mention the final caress of his thumb across Ren's cheek -- it was the most affectionate his father had ever been with him. Han Solo was not the type of father to give away hugs and kisses regularly. Neither was his mother, for that matter. No, Han was more stoic and would rather punch your shoulder and say, 'not bad, kid,' over 'I love you.'

If only Ren could scrub his cheek hard enough then perhaps the memory would wash away with his sins. Never mind that the Resistance didn't even trust him with a washcloth, but it would only rub his cheek raw. It would have been in vain, much like the death of his father.

Hours crawl by as Ren is tortured by his own mind and sweat lines his brow before he feels her again. Only then, at the resurgence of their connection, does the nightmare end, yet only temporarily so. He can feel her coming his way. Ren peels himself off the cot in anticipation, wincing through the pain.

Rey was full of fret and it killed Ren to know he was the cause of it. If only Ren could turn back the hands of time and make it all right again, he would do it in a heartbeat. Sadly, his training never covered the basics of time travel. Could Force-users work such miracles?

Ren is upright by the time she reaches his corridor and on his feet when Rey reaches his door. She hesitates a moment, reluctant to enter and he feels it as clearly as he feels his own pain. His heart pounds and Ren can't remember ever feeling so jumpy in all his young life -- well, not like this anyhow. He dares to step even closer to the door, desperate to eliminate the space between them. 

His heart lodges itself in his throat when the doors finally part and Rey crosses the threshold. She's as radiant as ever, despite the apprehension stitched into her eyebrows and stamped into her golden brown eyes. Her soft brown locks are still trapped within the trio of buns on her head but she missed a few strands and they gracefully twist down her cheek tantalizingly. Instead of her desert scraps, she wears a similar outfit, but one better tailored to the Rebel pilot she's become. A sleeveless grey shirt covers her body and Ren can't help but notice how it hugs her feminine curves, but he curses the darker grey vest on top of it which hides most of them. Strips of cloth guard her arms clear up to her shoulders but a patch of sun-tanned skin remains exposed and it's all Ren can do to avoid thinking about kissing her there. He swallows hard, stripping his eyes from the spot. Tan pants that stop just past her knee and solid grey shoes complete her outfit. She smells like lilacs-- an intoxicating but strange smell on her. Did he miss that about her before? Drinking every inch of her in, he realizes she had washed and her warm skin glows because of it. 

With only a few feet of space between them, the Force swirls to fill it. Their bond yearns for connection and the tension nearly kills Ren.

"You're here," he finally mutters.

She merely nods, taking in the sight of him as well. Her eyes travel down his toned and utterly exposed body covered in red scars, focusing on the bandages that protect the wounds she'd given him. At length, her gaze traces the path of the bloody scar she'd given him, until at last their eyes meet. The bond between them strengthens in intensity.

"You saved my life, Rey," he fawns and bravely takes one step closer.

She doesn't move and Ren exhales in satisfaction. Despite this, she drops her eye-contact and continues to look distraught.

"I'm a good person," she shrugs, crossing her arms across her chest. "Good people don't kill needlessly."

The slight digs in his chest, thin like a needle but no less painful. Ren is at a loss for words. A standard apology feels weightless against the tremendous hurt he's caused her. He looks down at his feet, unable to pull up anything sufficient.

Rey inhales deeply and shifts her weight. It's as if being here was taxing her greatly. "They don't know what to do with you," she tells him with a steely resolve. He cocks his head and lifts his eyes toward hers but she won't look at him. "You held up your end of the bargain but you ruthlessly murdered an ally. The penalty for treason is death."

The need to lock eyes with hers becomes a desperate battle. Her refusal makes his chest heave. Needing a source of comfort, he leans toward her and, to his relief, she still doesn't cower.

"They can't try you for murder," she says, "not until you interpret the map."

He's so close he can smell her hair and that helps soothe his nerves slightly. "You want me to tell them where Skywalker is."

Finally, she looks up into his eyes. "I don't want anything from you."

He shakes his head. "That's not true." He steps even closer, more-or-less bridging the gap between them. Rey's breath hitches in her throat -- Ren noticed. "You wouldn't be here if that was true."

"I'm here because the General asked me to be here. I'm just a liaison. Nothing more."

"Don't lie," he snarls, "Not to me."

She tenses. "You've lied to me. Many times."

The strength in his eyes falters and breaks, leaving behind the broken pieces of a tortured ruin. "I'll tell you anything you want to know. No more lies."

Rey swallows hard and tries to break the spell his eyes have cast on her but fails. "Why?"

He waits for her to elaborate but she doesn't. "Why what?"

"All of it," she whimpers breathlessly. "Everything. Why?"

Confusion contorts his face. "I don't understand…"

"Why were you on Jakku?" She interrupts and erupts. "Why were you looking for the droid? Why did you take me from my home and lie to me? _Why did you kill him_?" She swallows hard and Ren watches as her alluring throat constricts. A timid tear falls down her reddening cheeks. "You hurt Finn but you wouldn't hurt me? Why?"

A calm smooths the lines away from Ren face. He shakes his head and the loose curls on his dark mop of hair sway along with him. "You must know," he says, leaning into her.

Fear and anxiety strike her like lightning and her breathing gets heavier. He notes her heaving chest as she falls back and leans firmly against the iron door. She says nothing in response but her eyes hold so many questions, ones she's afraid to ask.

"You must know how much I care for you," He susurrates sweetly. "Can't you see the effect you have on me?"

Risking everything, he reaches out and places a gentle hand on her stiff wrist and guides her palm towards his bare chest. Holding it against his wildly beating heart, he places his own palm atop of hers, encompassing her thin, dainty hand.

At his touch, the Force bursts forth and fills Rey to the brim. It surges through her like an electric current creating an extraordinary machine out of the both of them. It flows through her like river rapids -- a tour de force.

"I know you feel it, the bond we share," he murmurs, hovering mere inches away from her face. "I know you do, because I feel it too. It overpowers all of my senses. It's the only thing in my life that feels real."

She gasps and suddenly she can't get enough air. 

"When I'm with you, Rey, I feel more like myself than I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't know who I am when I'm not with you. I fall apart without you."

"And who exactly are you?" She breathes. "Ben Solo or Kylo Ren?"

He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Tongue-tied and at a loss for words, he takes his free hand and ever so carefully indulges himself. Reaching out, he strokes the wispy strands of hair that twist and twirl gracefully down her flushed cheek and caresses the smooth edge of her jaw in the process. "I'm yours."

She averts her gaze, suddenly very aware of the third eye in the room. "Stop," she whispers.

Hurt and a little heartbroken, he stops stroking her cheek and drops her hand, breaking the sublime connection, but struggles to back away. 

"They're watching us."

Of course they are. Fuck. He follows her eyes and sees it immediately: a tiny black dot, no bigger than an insect, but with a vision as perceptive as any worthy predator.

He backs away slowly, with all the willpower he can possibly muster, until he reaches the edge of the cot and takes a seat. He glares at the floor because he cannot glare at the camera in the ceiling and he cannot look at her any longer if he cannot also touch her. Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and slowly exhales it until he finds a moderate sense of calm. "I meant what I said, you know."

Rey, startled and overwhelmed, watches him closely. "Meant what?"

"All of it," he says, lifting his eyes to her one last time. "Everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Feedback is love**
> 
> We're heading into unchartered waters, folks. New content is ahead!
> 
> Thank you for all your continued patience and support. I'm completely grateful to you all.


	10. Chapter 10

In a room not very far away from the cells, a mass of Resistance officers, analysts, advisors, and psychiatrists crowd around a hologram projection of their latest prisoner lying unconscious on a cot.

"He will awaken any moment now," an analyst comments. "The General will want to be notified."

A petty officer exits the room and finds her in the rotunda, sitting off in a corner staring at nothing. The paralysis of grief has stricken her in a natural way but one that leaves her subordinates unsettled. The General has been born and bred into politics her entire life and is more than aware of the duties that come with being General of an army. Often the General is neck deep into the Resistance's affairs that she routinely needs reminding to go home and rest, not that she ever takes such advice the first time -- or the second. Or the third.

"General Organa," he says, approaching the woman with silver tendrils of hair braided in a feminine yet functional design. The lines on her face mark her as a woman who has lived a very thorough life. "The prisoner is ready for observation."

Snapped out of her stasis state, Leia snaps her neck towards the officer and lifts herself out of her seat. "Thank you, Carth," she says and pats his arm in gratitude. Mincing no more words, they make their way towards the surveillance room and, once there, integrate through the throng of the Resistance's finest.

Leia knows as soon as she crosses the threshold that she will not be able to remain impartial. It will be a breach in her civic duties as General of the Resistance. Despite all of her experience within the political game, nobody ever taught her how to navigate the waters between work and family when the person of interest is your own son. 

She braces herself and takes a deep, slow breath when the hologram of Kylo Ren stirs from his sleep. She watches as he slowly regains consciousness and tests the limits of his abilities with his new injuries. Everything is so strange -- her long lost son emerging from the depths of darkness, watching and getting to know him through a projection, her heart swelling with unconditional love but framed in anger and pain. It was never supposed to be like this.

He moves succinctly and with purpose. It's quite thrilling to discover such a secret. When he's alerted to Rey's presence, his entire demeanor changes in contradiction. He loosens up considerably while simultaneously tensing up in anxiety. He finds the motivation to peel himself out of his cot and waits for her in anticipation. His gait is puffed and full of the confidence he doesn't actually have. Tears prickle at the edges of her eyes as she realizes she's seen all of this before in Han. Ben is practically a spitting image of his father and the realization makes this moment all the more difficult for her.

Leia looks for herself in him beyond the obvious. Clearly the Skywalker gene is a powerful one and it has bestowed many gifts upon her son which he has since taken for granted. With the eyes of a hawk, Leia searches for anything that resembles her. He's clearly stubborn like his mother, that she knows, and their tempers tend to run hot but Ben got a double dose of orneriness. He's resolved like she is, just for the wrong things. And it's clear her son has ambition and drive, which most definitely didn't come from his father.

Finally she sees it as she studies his eyes. His entire focus is honed in on Rey and even through the holo, Leia can see the light that sparks in his dark eyes. That light -- that came from her.

The entire room is dead silent apart from the transmissions from the other room. Not a breath can be heard amongst the gathered. Leia watches as her son gives himself over to Rey for the price of nothing and blood rushes to her cheeks. She thought it impossible before but now she's entirely convinced. Her son is madly in love.

The Order of the Jedi dictate that love is strictly forbidden as attachments lead to obsession and obsession leads to jealousy, anger, resentment, and recklessness -- emotions deeply tied into the dark side of the Force. Compassion, however, that is the very essence of what it means to be a Jedi. Compassion for the girl is etched into every fiber of her son's being. Sure, his obsession is keeping him from fully embracing the light side of the Force, but his ever growing compassion for the girl is saving him. Leia knows without being told.

If only Leia could touch him. Cup her hands over the cheeks of her son and hold his head in her hands like she had once done in his youth. Perhaps the love of a mother can save him. If only he would allow her to love him. It's all she's ever wanted. In her youth she has made costly mistakes. She allowed her passion for justice to be more important than watching her young son grow. She was blind to Snoke, the _thing_ that seduced her son to the dark side. She sent him away in faith that exposure to Luke would purify his troublesome soul and failed to see how it would scar him further. Leia would be the first to admit her sins if her son would allow her the chance to apologize. 

Studying the holo, Leia sees that Rey is too emotional to be of any use currently to the Resistance's immediate goals. She has her own personal agenda that must be resolved before she can be of any use interrogating Kylo Ren. Leia sees that as they talk. The poor girl has gone through so much and has had little time to absorb it's impact on her. Despite Rey's immense strength in character, the girl is every bit as fragile as the man standing before her. She doesn't realize her feelings yet, but her allowance of Kylo Ren's advances speak volumes. Rey has compassion for him as well. Unwanted perhaps, now that the damage has been done, but undeniable.

Her son cannot answer a simple question from the girl. It's a legitimate question, a telling one. Are we to call him Ben Solo or Kylo Ren? He hesitates and Leia doesn’t need a team of note-taking analysts to tell her what she already knows. He's equally as much one as he is the other. He is both and he is neither. 

To go by the name of Kylo Ren is to admit ties to the First Order and his loyalty to the dark side of the Force. Twice now he has refused them and there will not be another opportunity to join with them again after this last betrayal. His ties to the First Order have effectively been broken. 

To go by the name of Ben Solo is to admit familial ties to parents who he still resents bitterly. The name of his father feels forbidden to him after his horrific crime of passion. Ben Solo represents goodness, light, and purity and none of those things does her son feel worthy of. 

Her son still clings to the dark side of the Force, deathly afraid of the ramifications of the light. Not even the heavy influence of Rey's light can fully seduce him towards a path of redemption. 

For the first time since entering the room, Leia stops watching the holo. Her mind is a high-powered machine and it's gears turn in heavy thought. Call it intuition or her untapped Force potential, but either way she knows what must be done. How she will convince the council, that's a headache for another time.

"I want Poe Dameron to be Rey's handler," She blurts out watching her son reluctantly back away from Rey. "After his outstanding job recruiting Finn, I think he'll be the perfect for the job. Carth, be a dear and bring him to me, will you? Everyone else, I'm calling a base-wide meeting in one hour in the audience chamber. I have a proposal and it's going to be a gigantic pill to swallow but I require full support."

\---

Rey finds herself entirely too wound up after her talk with Ben… Kylo… whatever he's calling himself now. Immediately after debriefing, she races towards her quarters. General Leia had promised her a more private room in time but for now the best they could do was bunker with bunk beds on either end and little else in between. Rey shares the room with two soldier recruits -- a spunky young Twi-lek named Mission and a scout named Ziziri who had recently lost her memories. Neither occupy the room during the day, leaving Rey with a little period of privacy.

Today, though, the serene quiet leaves too much room for Ben to occupy her thoughts. She can still feel his smooth fingers slide down her cheek and it makes her breath catch in her throat. Her lightsaber sits idly on a stand. Too fitful to remain indoors, she grabs it and escapes outside to the nearby forest.

The fresh air blowing soft against her face brings her instant relief. She's an outdoor girl at heart, but then again, her idea of 'indoors' has largely been gigantic rusting hovels. The greenery is soothing and makes her feel alive. The Force flows strong here, still and powerful as a mighty river. In the thick of the forest, when she is sure she is alone, she draws her saber and practices her technique. Letting the Force flow through her, she finds a tentative peace but her technique is sloppy. She swings the blade crudely and she often manages to whack into a tree, throwing off her connection to the Force.

_A troublesome mind will do that._

Flashes of Ben in Takodana. The gentle but firm way he held her hand as they ran through the moss-covered forest. _You need a teacher,_ he said to her. Flashes of their battle on Starkiller Base. The cold, wet snow clinging to her clothes and the bursts of their colliding blades bathing them in violet. _I can show you the ways of the Force._

Meditation. That's what she needs now. A calm, quiet mind at one with the Force. She sits near a trickling stream, cross-legged, and allows the Force to wash her mind clean. Her heart rate slows and her breathing steadies but she cannot manage to clear her mind. Her connection to Ben stems from the Force. Allowing full surrender to the Force opens up her burgeoning and confusing feelings about Ben… ones she's been trying to escape.

She remembers the look in his eyes back in the cell. Deep and intense, pleading for forgiveness. The same look he had back on Starkiller Base when he cornered her and Finn.

Poor Finn.

Rey gives up meditating and finds herself back inside the base and outside of Finn's hospital room. The medics all predict a full recovery, but a slow one. Walking into the room, Finn lies unconscious on his cot and the sight makes her stomach knot. Until he wakes from his coma, Rey's guilt over his critical state won't quell. She must get the coordinates to Luke Skywalker from Ben or Finn's injuries will have been in vain. Rey cannot have that. She must be brave. She must be stronger.

Sitting in a seat nearby, Rey stares at Finn's sleeping state. She owes him for rescuing her. This too, plagues her thoughts.

"I'm so sorry, my friend," she says, hoping deep in his subconscious that he can hear her. "Please forgive me."

Minutes later, the door to the room slides open, startling Rey until she sees a handsome Yavinite dressed casually in a leather jacket and comfortable blue pants. He's a pilot, Rey remembers. The other pilots called him Black Leader, but that was just his call sign. The General praised him shortly after the mission had been completed. Rey knows his name. Poe.

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting?" He asks courteously.

Rey tries to smirk, though she feels like doing anything but. "No. Not at all."

"Good," he says, entering into the room. "I'm Poe Dameron. It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Rey."

She takes his hand and gives it a shake or two. "Am I truly that notable of a person here?"

Poe blows out a puff of air and leans himself against a countertop at the foot of Finn's cot. "Well, when the Master of the Knights of Ren himself will double-cross his allies on behalf of his enemies just so he can rescue a scavenger girl he picked up on Jakku…" He drifts off and shakes his head in astonishment. "I don't know, I think that makes you awfully notable. Perhaps the most 'notable' person in this place."

Flames ignite in her cheeks and Rey can't seem to look anywhere else besides Finn's placid hand. 

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable," Poe says, reaching out as if to stop her.

She shakes her head, but words don't come as quickly as she'd like. "It's ok," she manages to squeak out.

"You are truly an invaluable asset to the Resistance. The General wants me to personally thank you for joining the cause. We know that choice was not an easy one."

Rey's eyes sink further down to her brand new shoes. She never asked for any of this.

"I have to thank you," Poe continues after a beat. "You kept my droid safe and brought him back to me. He's very precious to me and I can't properly express my gratitude for all you've done. He speaks very highly of you."

Rey shrugs her shoulders. "I did what anyone would do."

"No," Poe insists. "That's not at all what Kylo Ren would have done. If it weren't for you, the map leading to the General's beloved twin brother would be lost to us and in the hands of the First Order. Who knows exactly what horrors they had in store for Luke Skywalker, but I can tell you right now, his days would have been numbered. You, Rey, went above and beyond the call of duty. You're a Republic hero."

A knot forms in her throat and tears spring into her eyes. No one has ever said such lovely things to her before. She's lived an existence where she had to fight tooth and nail to get what she's owed. Her life has always been about living in the fringes with nobody watching her back but her own self. Nobody has ever paid her much interest other than exploiting her youthful resilience for their own gain. Once she gains a fickle sense of control, she clears her throat. "Thank you."

The pilot takes a long moment before he speaks again and the silence makes Rey uncomfortable. Like he's sizing her up. Judging her. 

"Have you ever heard of Yavin IV?" He says after too long of a pause and Rey shakes her head. "It's a moon in the Outer Rim. I grew up there and all my life I was so proud of my tiny moon. You haven't heard of Yavin IV because nobody goes there. It's mostly one big jungle and too dangerous for civilization or off-worlders. Yavin IV is famous for one thing only -- it was the first headquarters for the Rebel Alliance decades ago."

Rey lifts her head and reluctantly gives him eye contact, now that he heat is off of her.

"That's all before my time," Poe explains, his eyes far far away. "My parents were soldiers in the Rebel Alliance and served beside the greats. Jedi Commander Luke Skywalker. Princess Leia Organa. General Han Solo. I heard so many stories during my lifetime and it came as no surprise to my parents when I broke the news to them that I was leaving home to join the Resistance at eighteen. They were so proud of me."

Poe paused briefly, reflecting on his family. "I haven't been able to see them since and I've been with the Resistance for a long time now."

Rey understands his yearning, more than he knows.

He shakes his head. "Anyway, I haven't regretted joining. Not once. Serving under General Organa has been my life's dream and she has never asked me to do anything I wasn't willing to do myself for the cause. My father would be so proud. But…"

Rey follows his eye-line to Finn.

"…I never knew what exactly I had given up until recently."

She waits for him to explain, but while she waits she regards his handsome face. His eyes fixate on the comatose man with such fervor. It doesn't take a scientist to explain what Poe was insinuating.

"I was on a secret mission from the General herself to retrieve a most sensitive package from… an anonymous source in a tiny village on Jakku. Only two other officers knew about the mission and I was told there would be no backup. If the mission failed, I was on my own. All was going according to plan -- I had landed under cover of darkness, I met up with the source in a non-descript hut like many other huts in the area, I retrieved the package - a piece of tech containing the map to Skywalker -- but just as I was about to depart, BB-8 alerted me to the presence of the First Order. Stupidly, I chose to stay and fight instead of running. I hid the map in the droid and told him to get as far away as he could. I was sure that was the end for me, but I would have died knowing that I had done all I could. I served to the fullest of my ability. But I didn't die. Your pal, Kylo Ren, showed up and used his Force powers on me. He knew I had the map, but didn't know where. I was spared if only so the information I had could be tortured out of me and ruthlessly."

He turns to Rey briefly, "See, this is when you found BB-8, but I found Finn… well, he found me. He was in the village when I got captured. He was a stormtrooper -- probably shot at me a few times. He knew as soon as he landed that he had to get away, so when they sent him to reconditioning, he rescued me instead. Finn needed a pilot in order to escape, lucky me. We stole a TIE fighter and fought our way out of the Finalizer. He was so brave despite being so nervous. "

Poe chuckles at the memory. "I remember him yelling at me. _'We can't go back to Jakku!'_ It wasn't really up to him though. We got shot down. I woke up the next day in the middle of the desert, with my head nestled into his lap and Finn, he was bending over me trying to get me to drink whatever droplets were left in a canteen he found."

Rey watches as Poe strides over to Finn's other side and bends down, wrapping his fingers around Finn's comatose hand. "We've been through so much, he and I, and now… I can't imagine my life without him. To think he was a stormtrooper this whole time… what if he hadn't decided to defect? What if he had been a pilot and didn't need me for escape? What would have happened to me?" Poe gives Finn's hand a squeeze. 

The knot in Rey's throat squeezes and a tear falls down her cheek. Even though Rey knows better, she feels like she wasn't invited to view this stolen moment. Poe's feelings for her new friend are beyond obvious and Rey's guilt crashes over her like a tidal wave.

"I'm sorry," she says meekly. "I'm so sorry. He's injured because of me. It's all my fault."

Poe violently shakes his head. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

Her hands wipe away at the streaming tears. "I keep hoping he'll wake up at any moment. I need him to. I must thank him for rescuing me. He didn't even know me, yet he came for me all the same."

Poe flashes her a sympathetic, knowing smile. Indulging in one last glance at Finn, he places a loving kiss on the hand he holds and lets go. Striding back over to Rey, he ponders for a moment before speaking. "Let me finish my story. When Finn and I finally made it back to D'Qar, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. Returning back to being the best pilot in the Resistance… I realized I was going to have to make a sacrifice, a huge one that I wasn't sure I was willing to make. I can't do my job and…" He swallows hard, returning a quick glance back at Finn. "It just… it wouldn't work. But I couldn't give him up, Rey. I thought my life could go back to the way it was before, but I was wrong. I decided I could handle it if he was just nearby. The General wanted to pick his knowledge for any and everything First Order related anyway, so what would be the harm in recruiting him for the cause? It seemed to be working, until Kylo Ren butchered him like a piece of meat. Now I know for certain. I need him. I can't stay away from him, no matter what he once was. I don't know how to make this work but I'm going to try. I'm going to see it through because… I think might love him."

It's Poe's turn to blush like mad. Rey, comforted by his admission, watches him squirm and finds herself enjoying his company immensely. Perhaps she has a friend here.

"Don't tell him I said that."

Rey grins sweetly. "Not a word from me."

Poe, leaning now on the edge of the bed by Finn's feet, shifts in discomfort. "Are you… understanding what I'm trying to say?"

Her brown eyebrows squish together in confusion, "I'm sorry, what?"

Another shift in discomfort. "I, uh, I saw hologram feed."

Rey side-eyes him. "Poe…" she says warily.

He clears his throat and ducks his head. "I, uh, I saw you two."

"I don't like whatever it is you're trying to imply," Rey warns with a stern tone.

He raises his hands in submission. "Whoa, whoa, there. My fault. I just thought…"

"You thought wrong," Rey strongly states, rising up out of her chair. "And furthermore, I'd like it if you didn’t make assumptions about me, or at least keep them to yourself."

Storming out of the hospital room, Rey finds herself… drained. The planet's sun, Ileenium, dips further beyond the forest tree line and the sky swirls in reds, pinks, and oranges. Nowhere else to escape to, Rey resigns and drags her weary self down the hallways and corridors until she finds herself once again in her quarters. 

Ziziri quietly plays a card game on the top of her bunk and doesn't acknowledge Rey's presence as she enters the room, and for that Rey is grateful. As nice as it would be to have a friend here, she likes the peace and quiet that Ziziri affords her by keeping to herself. Mission is a whole other story. From the moment the Resistance officers placed her in this bunker, Mission has been true to her name and quizzes Rey about everything. Where did she come from, why did she join, what's her favorite color, why Rey doesn't have a family. You name it, Mission wants to know about it. Thankfully, the young girl isn't around this evening.

Rey places the lightsaber into her only drawer like it was a precious artifact that must be laid down gently with the utmost care before crawling into her bunk and snuggling under the warm covers. Rey has never known such luxuries before. Her bed in Jakku was merely a substantial compilation of cloth she has collected over the course of her many scavenger adventures. The cold desert nights once froze her night after night until she found one of her most precious findings - a blanket. That beetle-chewed spit of cloth has nothing on the warm, fuzzy blanket Rey has entangled herself into now. And pillows! Rey is used to bundling up a long strip of cloth until it was firm enough to rest a head upon, but they don't compare to the feather pillows she lays her head on now. The comfort, relaxation, and weariness put her instantly to a calming sleep.

 _Close your eyes,_ a familiar voice echoes across her mind. _Search your feelings._

Rey dreams herself stuck in a sandstorm back on Jakku. The sand gets everywhere, and blinds her to her surroundings. Panic grows and grows until it swallows her whole. It's incredibly dangerous to be outside during such a violent storm. She could suffocate to death. 

_Find me…_ the voice calls out. _Let the Force guide you…_

"Ben…" she says to no one in particular. The swirling sand calms enough for her to get an idea of where she is. She's just outside of the graveyard -- her favorite place to scavenge for tech parts. Only the bravest scavengers who aren't unnerved by ghost stories venture that far for parts. Rey has never believed the tall tales and has always scored decent hauls on her scavenging trips.

 _He's here_. She can feel him and his presence brings her a strange sort of comfort. She just has to search for him.

The Force. It swirls around her mind and she lets it’s strong current flow through her, bathing her in the Light. She knows where to go. The ship in the distance - it's the Falcon. He waits for her there. It takes her no time at all to cross desert in her mind and enter the discarded ship.

The mind is a strange place and entering the spacecraft does not lead her into the antiquated Corellian-model ship she's grown accustomed to, but instead it takes her to a shoreline, one she had often dreamed about. The water is a color of blue she has only seen before in other people's eyes. It rises up onto the shoreline and falls back down in equal measure, leaving behind a softer sand than Rey has ever been used to. Her steps leave imprints that don't collapse but stay until they are washed away by the gentle tide. And birds! Not the vultures that frequent Jakku -- those ravenous buzzards pick at anything for a quick meal. No, these white birds glide through the air and sing into the captivating sunset sky. Turning inland, she finds the rocky island covered in mossy green. It rises high above her like a grand tower with a staircase, built out of the islands natural rock, beckoning her to climb. 

She sees the swish of a black cape towards the top and immediately begins racing up to the clifftop. "Ben!" She shouts and climbs even higher. He twists around at her call and begins his descent.

"Rey," he greets when they meet in the middle, breathing heavily.

He looks like himself again, like the Ben she had gotten to know on the Falcon, the one who looked like his father. The wind blows harsh against them and it animates his luscious curls in a dance and blows errant locks against his softened face. The monster lies in hiding once more.

"It's you," she says sweetly, drinking in the image of her friend. Stepping forward, she wraps her arms around him with the simple, sweet ease that dreams give you. "I've missed you."

His arms slither around her gladly, holding her close. "I miss you whenever we're apart."

She closes her eyes and relaxes into him. It's so simple and so easy… the way things should be in the waking day. Her face rests perfectly into the crook of his neck. With Ben so close, Rey can almost smell the spicy cinnamon scent on his clothes. His arms squeeze her tighter, gripping her hip and holding her shoulder. It's almost as if they went back to a time prior to being captured by the First Order and before those awful events at Starkiller Base. Back when he was Ben and Kylo Ren was nothing but a vision trick. _This is a good dream,_ she thinks.

 _It's not a dream._ The response belongs to Ben but it was spoken inside her mind. Rey jerks away and looks at him astonished. His grip on her does not loosen and her arms slide down until they are situated between her and Ben, palms gripping his shoulders. _Not exactly, anyway._

His lips never move.

"Ben?" She queries and he smirks. "What's happening?"

 _Don't you know by now?_ He teases with humorful eyes. _We're bonded, you and I._

"I don't understand," she says with a shake of her head.

His smirk blossoms to a grin. _Nobody does. The Force works in mysterious ways and the day I met you, Rey, the Force bound you to me._

Her heart races in alarm. Suddenly this dream feels a little too real. His scent becomes a bit too overwhelming. She tries to kindly push herself away from him, realizing just how close they are. Panic strikes her and she can't look into his eyes.

 _Don't you feel it?_ He asks before suddenly loosening his grip on her. His hands slide down to her hips, barely gripping her but reluctant to let her go. _You've been ignoring it._

She looks into his eyes, the hurt in them sinks deep into her heart like an anchor. "I don't know what I feel. This is all too much."

His hands slip away as he solemnly nods. "I understand."

They don't speak for a moment. The wind whips around them fiercely, loathing the tension they've brought to the island.

"If this isn't a dream," Rey says, "what is this?"

"I… I don't exactly know," Ben admits. "It's a rare thing to be bonded with another person. I don't know how this works. From what I know of Force Bonds, the melding of minds creates a middle ground where they meet in dreams."

Rey takes a moment to survey the gorgeous landscape. It brings her a sense of peace and comfort that the real world has yet to provide. "So this place isn't real."

Meekly, Ben shakes his head. "No. This isn't real."

Rey, feeling guilty for the ache he feels, tries to look him in his sad eyes. "Are we real?"

He cocks his head, "Our souls are real." He takes a moment to lock eyes with Rey. "You're not alone anymore, little scavenger. You will always find me here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and hits are great but *comments* light my fire! 
> 
> I really would like feedback after this chapter because it was probably the hardest one for me to write so far. I'm a little insecure about it and I'm largely posting it because I'm done nitpicking and want to move on to the next part in their story. 
> 
> Feedback helps me make the next chapter better than the one prior, so even though I already thank you all personally when you comment, I just want to extend my thanks for continually doing so. I appreciate you.
> 
> (Also, if it isn't totally obvious, I finished playing Knights of the Old Republic recently and I couldn't help but throw in some of my favorite characters from the game. I, clearly, played as a girl and named her Ziziri Ora.)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: This fic has [an accompanying playlist on 8tracks.](http://8tracks.com/singingmyheartsong/the-awakening-and-the-strain) Give it a listen! This playlist inspires me when I write chapters. I hope you guys like it!
> 
> ***This chapter goes out to my new friend trinastar818, whom I totally converted into TFA fandom and has been super supportive about my fanfic.***

The sun, Ileenium, rises and spreads it's light across the planet of D'Qar, blissfully unaware of the lives it's heat touches. The Resistance lives to see many more days come and go and that is a gift it's members cherish today of all days. Many gather in the clearing directly outside of the base and join hands. Five concentric circles of Resistance soldiers and recruits join together to mourn the genocide of the Hosnian system and the loss of their New Republic allies. One ring per obliterated planet. They chant a lovely tune; an ode to the fallen heroes. The young Resistance has never had to mourn such a substantial loss before. The entire day will be devoted to honoring the fallen and grieving the innocent.

Among the mourners is Rey. She barely slept through the night and was wide awake when the ceremony had first began and lulled her out of bed. She had found a place among the outer ring when Poe grabbed her hand and joined her in the chant. At first she was startled, but Poe's warm smile eased her nerves. All was forgiven.

The General spends her day in a mad flurry. Between monitoring her prisoner son and ordering a dangerous mission, Leia also scrambles to find the New Republic members who survived and rebuild the Galactic Senate. All this and mourning her late husband. Those who work around her actively monitor the General's health and well-being. She has been strictly forbidden by her Lieutenant General from engaging in the plan to erect a memorial for the Hosnian massacre. She has enough on her plate already and the Lieutenant General can handle the project. Her Major General has offered to do the burdening task of researching possible planets for relocation. Now that their headquarters has been discovered, D'Qar is no longer safe -- with or without Starkiller Base.

And everything that has happened will be for naught if they don't get the coordinates to Luke Skywalker out of her son. That, above all else, is priority number one.

The chanting and singing from the ceremony stirs Kylo Ren awake. He slept poorly and his aches and pains feel five times worse this morning than they did the evening prior. Lethargy has sewn itself into every muscle within Ren's body and he lacks the motivation to move. Why bother?

The only problem with lethargy is the memories that compile for an all-out assault. On top of the non-stop echo of his father shouting his name during their final meeting, is the gentle push of Rey pulling away from him. It wasn't real, Ren knows this, but it was sure convincing. He could feel her arms wrap around his neck. He held her in his arms and gripped her to him. It felt so good. And then she pulled away. Kindly, but she pushed herself off of him all the same and it hurt worse than a bowcaster blast.

Now that she's aware of their bond, he can sense her more clearly. She remains fitful and plagued with confusion. As much as he wants to reach across and soothe her, he decides to let her be. The last thing she would want is to feel invaded by him and that's the last thing he wants to do. He wants her acceptance. He wants her willingly or not at all. A heavy, depleting sigh. Ren will have to move mountains to get there.

This thought, more than anything else, winds around his limbs like rope and binds him in place. It's the anvil on his back that weighs him down, sinking him deeper into the cot. The droid wobbles back in with a tray full of food and just as much woe as the day before, yet Ren doesn't move a muscle.

\-----

"General Organa." The higher ranking members of the Resistance reconvene within the audience chamber later in the evening. After the General's emergency meeting the day prior, the council has come to a decision. "We've heard your request and the council feels it's too far too risky. We simply cannot approve your mission."

"Admiral, with all due respect, I don't think you understand all that is at stake…"

"…With all due respect, General, I may be the only one who does!" The Admiral's shout quiets Leia who tries to remain composed. "I fear you don't have the Resistance's best interests at heart anymore, General, so let me speak plainly. I called this meeting not solely to deny your mission request, but call a vote."

Leia is stunned into silence. The Admiral addresses the room. "Members of the Resistance, I call into question General Organa's state of mind at this point in time. She's a fierce ally and has been the best asset within the Resistance since it's inception. No one questions this. It's a fact. But it is also a fact that her beloved ex-husband and former Rebel General Han Solo has been recently murdered and his killer sits within our walls. That killer is none other than the notorious Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren and the First Order's most successful force-wielding assassin, who also happens to be her son. There is no doubt that the capture of Kylo Ren is a admirable feat but since his arrival, the General's judgement must be called into question. I hereby propose a temporary leave of absence until the problem of Kylo Ren has been solved. The Lieutenant General will usurp her responsibilities for the time being." 

Time stops for a brief moment. All of her life's work flashes before her very eyes. All of her accomplishments flash in and out like holograms. Lastly, flashes of her son. He's in great danger. The Admiral's long and scaly Selkath face slowly turns to face her.

Time resumes. "All in favor, say 'Aye."

\-----

Ren tracks the time from the color of the sky outside his window. From the rosy pinks of sunrise to the blushing red of sunset which bleeds into a bruising purple of night, he awaits Rey's return. 

She never comes. The day dwindles in despair until dusk.

Falling back into deep sleep, Ren desperately searches for the island. It's planet lies amongst the stars deep within his mind. It's in a corner, far, far away from the poisonous green star held captive within the pocket of space that Kylo Ren has shielded himself from. 

Ren wouldn't dare be anywhere else other than this spit of rock. He closes his eyes and allows the heavy wind to brush through his wavy locks and breeze across his pale skin. Surely she'll call for him once again and Ren will be at the ready when she does…

…He hopes.

Ren opens his eyes immediately when he feels her presence. _She's here._ The wind picks up and he realizes that the sky has subtly turned from a vibrant blue to a dull blue-gray. Searching for her, he finds Rey sitting on the beach, mesmerized by rolling waves. She turns around when he steps onto the smooth sand. He can't read her face. Is she happy to see him? Angry? Sad? Their bond pulls at him to find out but that would breach a boundary he's not ready to cross. Not yet. Not until she's ready to give him permission.

"I knew you'd come," she says and turns back around.

Ren's blood starts pumping anxiously. Is he supposed to sit down next to her? What does that _mean_? He feels like he's walking on eggshells as he maneuvers himself to sit beside her.

"I missed you today," he blurts out. He wasn't going to say it but he feels it deep in his core and it wouldn't be suppressed. It had to be expressed. Sucking in a desperately needed breath of fresh air, he prays it won't turn her off. What a goddamn fool he is.

She says nothing. She only stares out into vast ocean, watching the wind ripple the tranquil surface as droplets of rain begin to splash into the ocean's surface. How he wishes she would say something. Anything.

"Do you remember when we were running through the forest?" She finally says, eyes still focused on the endless horizon. "Remember the beam of light as it streaked through the sky and then destroyed the Hosnian System?"

His nerves steady slightly. The drizzle increases to a slow shower. "Of course, I do." He remembers the wrong parts first. The amazing feeling of her hand sliding into his, fitting together just right. The strength in her eyes as they penetrated his gaze. The way she forced him to tell her he came back for her. How much he wanted to kiss her, even then. 

Clouds roll in and coat the sky a dreary grey color. "I felt them," she continues, swallowing a lump of sorrow down her throat. "I felt them all die."

A low rumble of thunder echoes in the distance as something within Ren snaps. A heartstring, perhaps. His hand slides atop the sand until it reaches hers, lying peacefully beside her. His fingers lace themselves through hers and cling. Through their touch, he gives her all the soothing compassion he can muster. "I felt it too. No one should ever feel that. Especially not someone as good as you. You shouldn't have to carry that kind of burden."

The rain shower picks up speed and soon they sit on the beach in damp clothes. Her neck snaps in his direction and a rush shoots through him. A lone tear streaks down Rey's face. Ren can't have that. Reaching towards her, he brushes it away from her delicate cheek and she leans into his touch. More tears replace the one he wiped away.

"I hate you for being Kylo Ren," she finally admits, her voice crumbling alongside the feeble wall she built around her. "I _hate you_ for it."

It's as if she lifted her hand and through the Force, grabbed ahold of his heart and crushed it. Slowly. The phantom pain is shockingly unbearable and he has to squeeze his eyes shut in order to tolerate it. "I hate me for it too."

Her chin quivers in his hand. Oh God. It did. It quivered. In his hand. It takes all the strength Ren possesses not to lean over and kiss her until she's happy once again. It would be so easy. Instinctual. She would never forgive him if he did.

"I miss you," She cries as she nuzzles deeper into his hand. "I miss Ben. I miss my friend."

"Ben's dead," he says coldly, stiffening his hand and pulling it away. The sky around them darkens as the storm clouds roll in. "He's been dead for years. Ben doesn't exist anymore. Kylo Ren made sure of that."

"No," she seethed through her teeth. "I don't believe that."

"It's the truth, whether you believe it or not, Rey!"

"No!" She shouts, squeezing his hand tight within her grasp and rolling over to face him directly. "I know he's in there! I know it for a fact!"

A wild look crosses Kylo's face. "You're wrong," he chokes out as the rain pours down effectively drenching them.

"I've felt him!" She exclaims, raising their conjoined hands until they press firmly against his chest. "He lives in here. And he's kind. And he's caring. And he looks at me like he's been stranded in the desert his whole life and he finally found an oasis."

The Force swirls around them fast and furious like some sort of cosmic whirlpool. Ren struggles to resist her, but fails when their gazes glue onto each other. Something within him shatters. The truth reflects clear as day within Rey's forest-colored eyes.

Ben Solo is alive.

Terrified of what that means, he gasps in horror and falls back unwilling to accept the truth. Space. He needs space to breathe. Rising to his feet, he starts pacing the beach, frantically stripping the constricting and soaked leather jacket off and with all his might, he slaps it vengefully to the ground with a starling shout. Rey watches his every move like a hawk but he can't be bothered by that right now. The vast oceans span out in all directions with no end in sight and it begins to thrash around turbulently, disturbed by the storm. It's disturbingly isolating. Ren feels trapped like a rat in a cage. 

He wills his heart to still but it won't. Not until he feels the soothing touch of Rey's hand rubbing his back. "Just breathe," she instructs. Her voice is low and delicate and it strikes a chord within his heart with every word she speaks but none more so than this. _Just breathe._

He closes his eyes and listens to the waves crash onto the shore. At least, he tries to. She stands behind him, massaging his back with her lovely fingers, and all he can hear is the most comforting sound of her breathing. The storm clouds begin to dissipate and the ocean surface starts to calm while Ren tries to match his breathing with hers.

"Why are you so afraid of him?"

Ren twists his neck around and looks at her freckled face from over his shoulder. He regards her with kind eyes but a hard voice. "You don't know him like I do."

She swallows. "You're probably right," she begins, her gaze drifting over to the calming shoreline. "But I know you don't see him like I do."

Something in her words sends shivers down his spine. Ren can't tell if they're from fright or delight.

"Rey," He sighs, depleted of fight. "If you could have anything in the whole galaxy, anything you desire, what would it be?" 

Her hand goes still. "My family," she says meekly. Ren allows her a moment to continue but he already knows the answers to the questions she's waiting for him to ask. No, they aren't waiting for her back on Jakku. She believes they're coming back for her one day but they both know the truth. Rey has been orphaned.

She doesn't elaborate. The silence between them is understood and comforting. A beat later she slides her hand down to his waist, mere fingertips left connecting them. "If you could have anything in the universe, what would it be?"

He stares off into the distance as if searching the bleak grey sky for the answers to all his problems. "Freedom."

Rey stares at him with bewilderment. She didn't know what exactly she was expecting him to answer, but it certainly wasn't that. 

"Don't you already have that?"

His eyebrows scrunch together. "Rey, I'm currently being held prisoner in an underground cell."

"Before that," she clarifies.

He twists around to face her, his gaze falling solemnly upon her. Deep. Inviting her to share his woes. "Before that I was basically a mad dog on a wide leash for the First Order. Before that…" he swallows hard, "…I was a slave to the Jedi Order. Before that I was a boy with frightened parents. So no, Rey, I've never been free. Not until I met you."

Rey recognizes a piece of herself within him. All those years she's lived on Jakku… was she truly living or was she stuck in a sick and twisted form of self-made prison? Has Rey ever known true freedom?

Not until she met him.

"Is that why you were on Jakku?" She whispers.

He nods his head. "Something like that."

Unable to escape the magnitude of his soul-bearing eyes, she asks, "You're going to try to kill Luke Skywalker. That's why you wanted the map for yourself."

A more frantic shake of his head this time. "No! I never planned to kill him!"

Her stare penetrates him deep and it's unnerving. "But that's what you're hoping to do."

"No! Rey! You're putting words in my mouth."

"What were your plans after you found Luke?"

His gaze withers in shame. "Make him pay," he barely says.

Rey's face hardens and her nostrils flare. "For what exactly?"

Despite towering over her by several inches, he hangs his head and feels no bigger than an ant. Her hands hang at her side and Ren takes hold of them both. "I can't explain it but I can show you."

She lifts her eyes to his and when she sees the pain resonating within them, she allows him to lead her further down the beach until they're no longer on the beach at all. Instead, they're onboard the Falcon with their steps slapping the grates underfoot. Rey would think this was all real but for the hazy focus. 

Ren pulls her forward until they reach the main hold and it looks like a disaster zone. Chewbacca is bent forward trying to repair the holochess board, completely ignorant of their presence. Rey would find it unsettling if she didn't know better. 

"What happened here?" She whispers needlessly but Ren doesn't answer. He can't. The moment they left the beach his lips sealed shut. He only responds with eyes glistening with sorrow.

Ren starts walking toward the barracks, pulling her behind him, and as they move forward, Rey hears the shouting. It's a woman and a man. The closer they get the clearer it becomes. Han and Leia are fighting. Loudly. Carelessly. Rey can feel the tension seizing every muscle within Ren's body and she regards him with a newfound clarity.

"How was I supposed to know he'd destroy the console!" Han. He's trying to withdraw from the fight.

"I told you a thousand times he's too young to practice with a lightsaber!" Leia. She's on a rampage. "Why do I have to tell you everything a hundred times? Is your head truly that thick?"

"Watch it, sweetheart, or you'll get the true meaning of a thick head!"

"Was that a threat?"

"It sure wasn't sweet talk!"

"Oh, that's rich coming from you! You can't even keep an eye on your own son!"

Rey's heard enough, but Ren continues down the hall, pausing briefly in doorway of the circuitry bay where Han and Leia look like they're about to tear each other apart. Rey is captivated by their youth. This was about 20 years ago. They're both so young and temperamental. She looks up at Ren who looks even more pale than usual. He watches them like a puppy who chewed up a shoe and guiltily waits for reprieve. She's never seen this side of Ren before. In an instant he went from larger-than-life galactic monster to a young boy desperate for his parents approval. Her heart swells a few sizes too big for her chest.

After a moment, he pulls her forward until they finally encounter a young boy hiding in the barracks. She knows without being told. That's Ben. Little Ben. He can't be older than four or five years old. So young. He's racing around the room pulling clothes and knick knacks and stuffing them into a duffel bag. He squirms over to the edge of his bed and sinks down to his knees at the edge. With both hands he struggles but manages to pull the edge of the mattress up above his head and reach in to grab an object out. Dropping the mattress, he lifts himself back to his feet and Rey sees it. The lightsaber. _Her_ lightsaber. When his parent's yell an entire octave louder, it makes little Ben jump out of his skin and twist around in fright.

"Where are you running away to?" She asks somberly.

Ren struggles to say anything, but manages to form words and get them out of his mouth. "Nowhere. Anywhere." He swallows hard. "They're about to send me to Uncle Luke."

She looks up at him with sympathetic eyes. "Why?"

"Wait." He says.

A moment later, she hears it. "This came from your family!" Han shouts loud and clear. Little Ben shakes as if he'd been hit by a blaster. Ren twitches at the slight.

"You think I did this? You think it's my fault?"

"Even from the grave, your father lives to corrupt us!"

Rey perks up. Leia's father? She turns to Ren. "Your grandfather? The politician from Alderaan?"

Ren shakes his head slowly. 

Leia growls. "Are you comparing my son -- _our_ son -- to a Sith Lord?!"

Rey's eyes grow wide. "What is she talking about?" Ren doesn't answer.

"He's got too much Vader in him, Leia. We can't control him."

Rey gasps. _His grandfather is Darth Vader._

"I can't believe you!" Leia shrieks. "He's just a boy!"

"Leia," Han says in a considerably softer voice. "This is beyond us now. Today it's the holochess console. Tomorrow it's the hyperdrive and we can't outrun Snoke and his thugs. What about the day after that, Leia? The day after, he sneaks his way down to the gunner pits and blows up a building in Corusant. Ben is growing stronger and stronger every day and there's only one person who can handle all of Ben's power and it's not either of us."

Leia pauses, letting it sink in. "Luke."

"Yeah."

"His school isn't ready yet," she interjects. "He told you that. He promised he'd train Ben in time but he's not ready yet."

Han sighs. "Luke will have to be ready. We can't wait any longer. Ben's dangerous. Luke is our only hope."

A tear makes a quick getaway and plunges down Rey's cheek. Echoes of her former self ring throughout her mind. _No! Come back!_ She remembers the sting of being abandoned. She realizes now that Ben's been abandoned too. She gives Ren's hand a heartfelt squeeze.

Ren guides her out of the barracks and they're no longer onboard the Millennium Falcon. Instead they're tramping alongside a murky green swamp. Everywhere Rey looks it's green. Moss is everywhere from the bark of the tree trunks to blanketing the swamp water beside them. Even the rocks have been colonized a variety of colorful green lichen. The air is thick with humidity and tension. Rey has a strange feeling about this place. Something like déjà vu, but it can't be that. Rey would have had to have been here before in order for that to happen and Rey has only ever known Jakku.

Ren drags her forward for quite a spell before they embark upon a tan hut that hasn't been claimed by moss or lichen. It's far too small for the likes of them -- especially Ren who towers over Rey -- and Ren stops just before entering the space. 

With nothing else to focus on, Rey examines her surroundings. Rey can feel just how alive this bog is. Living creatures from plants to exotic animals are everywhere and Rey can feel them all. The Force is strong here. Her eyes widen. She knows where they are. Dagobah. How does she know?!

She doesn’t have time to ask too many questions because a man emerges from the thick forest like a ghost. There's a familiarity to him that Rey can't quite place but somehow she knows who the man is. Luke Skywalker. She attributes her acquired knowledge to the Force. It swirls around him almost as if it were Luke's own personal atmosphere. Rey stares at him in awe. How could Ben hate him? He's a miracle.

"Come along, Ben," Luke calmly calls out. Everything about Luke is calm. His posture is tall and strong but relaxed. He walks almost leisurely, but with confidence and full of grace. He regards everything around him and it regards him back in kind. This is what it must mean to be "at one" with the Force. He's a marvel.

Rey hears little Ben before seeing him. He's crashing through the forest carelessly and his footsteps crunch every branch and twig underfoot. Little Ben emerges abruptly and thunderously. Rey feels the difference between the two of them immediately. Luke's magnanimous nature controls the force but Little Ben has so much strength and power but it swirls about him frenetically like a hurricane. Han and Leia were right to be scared of their son. No five-year-old should have so much power at his fingertips.

She watches Ren curiously. He appears almost stone-faced now, but Rey knows him too well. She can feel the tension laced throughout every nerve. Ren is trying to keep it under control for her. Suddenly, she's grateful they're holding hands. It might be the only thing calming the storm that's building within him.

Luke twists around to the boy. "You walk gracelessly like a Rancor. A Jedi is always poised and alert."

"I'm trying Uncle. Really, I am."

"Not hard enough, my young Padawan."

Luke twists around and together they walk into the hut.

"I had just arrived a few days prior." Ren says, never taking his eyes off the hut. "Already my Jedi uncle has strict expectations of me that I had no concept of understanding. I was only five. I just wanted to play around and make friends. No one asked if I wanted to become a Jedi."

Rey rubs her thumb across the smooth skin of his hand. "Did you?"

He doesn't answer for a spell. "Once. I thought it was what I had to do. I didn't know there was a choice."

She regards him sympathetically. "You never did have your freedom, did you?"

He shakes his head once. "No."

They remain on Dagobah, but the time jumps forward. Ben is older by a year or two and he's chasing after a friend. They wear tan uniforms that closely resemble Rey's standard outfit on Jakku. Ben's curls are longer and they start falling into his eyes but for one long braid that hangs low and curls around his neck. Ben and the boy are running towards the bog and stopping at the water's edge.

"I bet you can't pull that rock over here," the boy challenges.

Ben laughs. "That's easy."

"Do it, then!"

Young Ben closes his eyes and centers himself easily. Rey can feel the ease at which he calms himself and makes a mental note to try it in the future. Suddenly, Ben extends his right arm and stretches his fingers out towards the water. Rey watches as the large lichen-covered boulder stirs from it's rest on the other side of the bog. It takes quite a moment before the rock lifts into the air. The other boy starts gasping and hollering and it throws Ben off his concentration just a bit. When he recovers though, three other rocks follow the large boulder across the murky bog and eventually lay to rest at Ben's feet.

"How can you do that?" The other boy excitedly asks. "No seven-year old can do that!"

"It's easy," Ben brags. "My uncle says the Force is strong with me. I'm top of the class."

They turn around, only to face Luke himself. The boys practically jump out of their skin. Luke's arms are crossed and his metallic fingers tap his arm impatiently. "A Jedi only uses the Force for defense and the attainment of knowledge. You boys are using it for play."

"We didn't break any rules," Ben says defensively. "We were just testing our skills."

"You are an ignorant boy, nephew. You would do well to cleanse your mind of your willfulness and give yourself to the light."

With that, Luke twirls around and vanishes through the brush. The boy and little Ben are still as statues until he disappears. The boy extends his arm and gives Ben a seemingly playful push through the Force, but Ben winds up on the ground. "Uncle Luke thinks you're top of the class, huh?" With a chuckle, the boy runs off to the hut, leaving young Ben on the ground and trying to hide the tears that flow down his cheeks.

"I didn't have many friends. He was the only kid who would play with me," Ren says. Ren's sadness seeps through their connection and it's all too much for Rey to process. Luke tried not to play favorites, particularly with his nephew, but by keeping Ben at arms length, he only pushed him towards the dark side. "The others were jealous of how well I was progressing. Jealous of my power. He was the only one who didn't seem to mind hanging out with me, but he made me feel terrible for being so advanced."

Rey waits for the scene to change, but it doesn't. It stays on Ben, crying beside the murky bog. 

"I only had one other friend," Ren says. "He was a voice in my head. I thought he was an imaginary friend for the longest time, but eventually he showed himself to me. Like now."

An electric crackle sparks beside young Ben who furiously wipes his eyes. The spark grows until a blue-hued figure stands beside the boy in a hologram. A grotesque creature several feet too tall looks down upon the boy and it makes Rey shriek and grab hold of Ren's arm.

"Don't be frightened," Ren whispers. "It's just a memory."

"What is that thing?" She trembles into his arm.

"That's Senator Snoke. At the time, he sat on the New Republic Senate and represented the Horuset system while Leia was also a sitting Senator. I didn't know any of that though. I was just a young boy and I thought he was a figment of my imagination."

Astonishment sweeps through Rey. "How long had you been talking to him?"

Ren grows quiet. "Since I could speak."

"And you never told anyone?"

Ren peers over his shoulder. "I didn't have a normal childhood, Rey. I didn't know this was strange."

Rey squeezes herself closer to Ren. "I didn't have a normal childhood, either. This is definitely strange."

"It gets worse," Ren says.

The hologram of Senator Snoke stands at only a third of his truly monstrous size, yet still he still towers over the boy quite unnaturally. "Get up," his low booming voice commands. Ben responds immediately. "A boy with your talents has no need for tears."

"I'm sorry, sir. That jerk made me feel like a freak."

"Nonsense," the creature says. "Don't let anyone ever make you feel that way ever again. You have more power in your pinky than anyone else on this God-forsaken planet. Don't you ever forget that."

Little Ben smiles to himself. "I won't."

"Good."

Rey watches with scrutiny as the frightening Senator coaches the boy. It all seems innocent, but Rey can feel the tension in the air. Snoke, even as a hologram, spreads a sinister intention and Rey can feel it clearly. "I don't trust him," she whispers.

"You shouldn't," Ren answers. "He's manipulated and dictated my entire life."

The green star that floats behind the barrier in the galaxy of Ren's mind pulsates with fury. Though Ren is able to keep Snoke's influence behind his mental barrier, the fact that it happened disturbs Ren. He looks over at Rey who hasn't even realized that anything occurred and realizes a hard truth. Ren will never truly be free until Snoke is dead.

She looks up at him. "When did you realize that Snoke was using you?" Their eyes connect and Rey sees the pain of the truth shimmer in his eyes. He didn't. Not until recently. She hugs his arm closer. 

"You could be so much more," the Senator purrs. "You have greatness within you, Ben Solo. Did you know that?"

"Uncle Luke… I mean, Master Luke tells me that the Force is strong within me and that I'm learning so much faster than anyone else. But he looks at me like he's scared of me."

"He should be scared of you, Ben Solo. You have the blood of your grandfather flowing through you. The blood of Darth Vader."

Young Ben's eyes widen. "The Sith Lord?"

Snoke's shark-like eyes glimmer and his small, tight mouth stretches. "So Skywalker has told you about him."

"Master Luke tells me that he was the most feared person in the galaxy because he turned to the Dark side."

The Senator looks amused. "To small-minded people, Darth Vader was fearsome, but they refuse see the truth. Darth Vader was the strongest, most gifted Force user the world had ever seen. You have that potential within you, young Ben. I will see to it that you live up to your potential. Allow me to guide you, Ben, and you will have all that you desire."

Rey gasps. "No."

The guilt weighs on Ren heavily and Rey senses it completely. "That was the moment I turned to the dark side. I was seven, Rey."

Rey detaches from his arm, only to wrap herself around his body. Ren feels the weight of her sympathy and it feels just as amazing as it feels awful. He doesn't want her like this, but it'll do for the time being. "I resent Luke for constantly pushing me towards a standard so unattainable without telling me how. I resent him because for ten years I followed him and he kept me at arms length. I resent him because he failed to see that I was turning to the dark side."

"You have every right to be angry," Rey says, "but Luke was trying to guide you to the light."

"He failed."

The words hang in the air as the memory shifts once again. Little Ben isn't so little anymore. He's much older at fifteen. He still wears the padawan robes and hair style though his hair has been slicked back. He's all around different. His walk is more confident and purposeful. His face has lost it's youthful innocence and now it's hard as stone. As wholesome as he seems, he looks awfully terrifying.

"What happened to you?" Rey asks, loosening her grip on Ren to watch the scene.

"Snoke happened to me," Ren answers.

"Oh Ben," She sighs.

The teenage padawan sneaks off into the dark night until he reaches a gully where eight other Jedi padawan wait patiently for him to arrive. "Everyone ready?" Ben asks, his voice hard and wooden. 

"I thought you didn't have friends," Rey says.

"I didn't," Ren whispers. "Over time I won their respect as a leader."

Rey nods once and watches in horror as the lightsabers ignite and the gleam in each one of their eyes grow dark. "You turned them," she infers.

"Through Snoke's guidance, yes. I did."

The pack of rogue padawan storm onto the Jedi compound and divide, each one taking a hut for themselves. Ren and Rey stay behind and listen to the screams of Jedi being slaughtered in their sleep.

"Stop," Rey cries out, burying her face into Ren's chest. "Ren, please. Stop this."

"I can't," He chokes out. "This is a memory. It happened."

"But we don't have to relive it. I've seen enough. Take me back to the island."

Rey closes her eyes and doesn't open them until she hears the musical sound of waves crashing onto the beach. A heavy weight lifts off of her chest instantly when she sees the crystalline ocean. Their island is once again a paradise with a pleasant blue sky, white puffy clouds, and a placated sapphire ocean rolling peacefully onto the remote shoreline before retreating. The wind has died down to a comforting breeze which swirls around them sweetly. All is well here once again.

Ren wills for time to slow down or stop all together because he knows Rey is going to pull away from him and he will feel entirely empty when she does. This has been the most draining sleep he's ever had. He will surely wake up with absolutely nothing left. But for right now, her arms are still wrapped around him and her body is pressed up against his as her head rests on his chest. This is everything he could have ever asked for and more so he'll take every second of it that he can get.

"Why did you do it?"

Five little words that mean very little when separated, but together they completely unravel Ren. He'd pull away from her and withdraw, but there must be something to be said for the fact that she's still here and she hasn't moved away from him. She's trying.

"Snoke," he says. "I know it sounds like an excuse. It probably is. After years and years of him whispering in my ear, he convinced me that I didn't need Luke anymore, that Luke's constant criticism and distance was actually abuse. Snoke convinced me of a lot of things that weren't true."

She lifts her soft face towards him. "Did Snoke convince you to kill Han?"

It's the first time anyone has said his name since the incident and he hadn't prepared himself for the onslaught of emotions that name bears. His lips are sealed shut but he wants to tell her everything. He wants to tell her about the green star and it's malevolent whispers and how it bathed him in the dark side and he wasn't thinking clearly. He wants to tell her what Snoke said and how he's been so angry at his father his entire life and Snoke seemed to be presenting an opportunity that Ren couldn't refuse. He wants to tell her about the nightmares and the echoing shout that rings in his ears and the regret. He wants so much to tell her about the regret. The constant sorrow that weighs him down like an anchor and the only thing that can alleviate him is her. He wants to tell her everything but he can't. The lump in his throat won't allow more than shaky breaths to flow through it. Tears burst from the dams he's placed in his eyes. They stream down his cheeks violently and carve pathways down his face until they fall down and dampen his tunic.

He doesn't need to tell her because Rey already knows it's true. Desperately, she wipes the tears away from his cheeks and frantically pulls his broken self towards her, cradling his face against her neck. " _Shh, shh. _You're ok. You're ok," is the mantra she coos into his ear as she combs her fingers lovingly through his thick tendrils of hair and rocking him comfortingly back and forth.__

__Ren can't take it any longer. Wrapping his arms around his salvation tightly until not an inch of space separates them, he lifts his head and kisses her. Deeply. Passionately. Pouring everything he's ever felt and everything he wants to feel into her. _And she kisses him back.__ _

__The Force that constantly swirls around them like a whirlpool magnifies in intensity and it's jolt ricochets throughout the island and ripples across the ocean surface sending tidal waves out into the depths. Where once the Force swirled in a tepid languid speed, it now races and crackles like electricity and it flows through them like a magnificent machine. They work fine when they are apart but they operate flawlessly when together._ _

__Rey's neck snaps backward as Ren's great height encompasses her. Her fingers bury themselves within his hair it sends shockwaves rippling down Ren's spine. He presses his lips into her. Deeper. His hand rises to her neck, cradling her protectively as his other arm swaddles around her waist, raising her towards him. They could not possibly get closer, and yet Ren cannot get close enough._ _

__The desperation eases and their passion calms, slowing down their kiss. When Rey's fingers slowly fall out of his hair and graze his cheek, they part for air. Never wanting to part from her, Ren rests his forehead against hers and stares lovingly into her green eyes. Their hue reminds him of the moss that covers the island. Her island._ _

__"What do we do now?" Rey gasps between heavy breaths._ _

__Together they hold each other, afraid of the world they'll wake up to in the morning._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK IS LOVE!
> 
> I worked so hard on this chapter and I need to rejuvenate with your wonderful thoughts. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you for giving my fic the time of day when there are better, more popular fics you could be spending time reading.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heed the "Mature" warning before reading this one folks. There are lots of feelings in this one.

"Rough night?"

Rey awakens startled and breathless, struggling to make sense of her location. Looking across the room, it starts to clear. Ziziri sits on her cot cleaning her customized vibroblade to a shine. The roommate normally keeps to herself but a quick glance over at Rey proves otherwise.

"Yeah," Rey answers between heavy breaths. "Something like that."

A disappointment washes over Rey as she realizes the dream has ended and reality sets in. Her lips tingle and she places her fingers over them in shock. It's almost as if they remember the kiss. As if the kiss were real. 

Not much for talking, Ziziri cleans her sword in silence for a moment. "You were tossing and turning all night."

A blush starts to color Rey's cheeks. "I'm sorry if I bothered you at all."

"You didn't." Ziziri says devoid of emotion. "Just making an observation."

Already missing Ben, she searches within herself for their bond. Closing her eyes, she reaches through and finds him to be awake and uncharacteristically jovial. 

_Good morning,_ Ben greets full of warmth and if Rey stretches her imagination, she can pretend that he's lying next to her in the bunk.

 _Is it, though?_ She asks softly. Morosely. Their circumstances still weigh heavy on Rey's mind. 

His pleasant mood shifts to one of concern. _What's wrong?_

A defeated sigh. _I hate this._

His heart rate spikes. _Rey…_

 _No, no. I mean…_ She pauses to exhale. _I wish the island was real and this reality was the dream._

Their connection soothes into a relaxed state as Ben calms down and affectionately presses deeper. _I'd live there if I could._

Rey beams and they settle into a comfortable silence, just happy to have each other for company.

Mission jumps out of her top bunk and swiftly lands on her blue feet. "Ladies, it's been a blast but today is a new day and it's calling my name."

She and Ziziri exchange a friendly shove before Mission saunters to the door. Mission never just walks. She glides or sways or sashays but she never walks. Part of growing up as a thief from Taris meant being light-footed and nimble - things Mission has mastered with elegance. Her graceful nature can only be rivaled by one other within the Resistance, and he races inside the bunker upon Mission's departure.

"I'm looking for Rey," he asks her urgently, hands on the young Twi'lek's shoulders. "Is she here?" 

"It's your lucky day," Mission says, swinging her thumb over her shoulder. "Sleepy-head over here has yet to leave her bunk."

Rey regards Ben one last time through their connection before pulling back and facing a very distraught Poe.

"Good morning," he greets quickly. "Get dressed and quickly. General Leia has a mission for us but we have to hurry. Time is of the essence."

\-----

As far as Ren is concerned, there is no better way to wake up than to have Rey searching for him through their connection. Never has he been able to sense her so clearly. It was almost as if he could touch her, like she was lying right beside him in the cot and if he reached over, he could stroke her cheek.

What he didn't anticipate was that her departure would feel so hollow. He's gone his entire existence up until this moment without her and yet when she pulled away to attend to that pilot, a piece of him ripped away and left with her. He can still feel her, sure, but it's muted and dull. Everything feels so tedious without her, suddenly.

But he knows she'll come see him today. He has that much to look forward to.

So when the dumb golden droid brings him food, he accepts it graciously. He eats every morsel contently and even bothers to converse with the droid for a line or two before threatening him to leave. An improvement on his part. And because he wants to be presentable, he decides to wait anxiously by catching up on his training exercises. It's been a solid week or two since he last did them and he's long overdue. He does jumping jacks, crunches, and push-ups until he works up a solid sweat. What he would give for Rey to walk in on him like this. He can just imagine her eyes traveling down his body and it sends a shiver up his spine. It kills him to have to give her this sense of privacy through their connection.

He'd moved on to one-arm push-ups when he senses her again. Something's wrong. The Force bond they share quakes with nerves. And if Ren pauses and regards his surroundings, he'd notice that the feeling surrounds him throughout the entire base. Why hadn't he noticed it earlier? He was so consumed with anticipation to see her that it clouded his senses for too long. A mistake that could prove costly in the future. He'll have to be more mindful of that.

She approaches his cell but she's not alone. The pilot is with her and - he seizes - the General. On alert, Ren lifts himself up off of the floor just as the durasteel doors hiss open and allow Rey entrance to his iron cell.

 _Don't panic_ , she reassures through their connection, which is in complete contradiction to the cold hard face she wears.

She waves her stiff hand towards the chair. "Sit down, Kylo." 

Ren apprehensively takes a seat. Who is this and where is his Rey?

 _What's going on?_ He silently asks, but Rey's demeanor doesn't change. He can sense the panic raging inside her and it's the only thing that's keeping him in check.

"The coordinates to Luke Skywalker. We know you have them and the Resistance has been waiting for your cooperation but our patience wears thin. Tell us the coordinates. Now."

 _Lie_. One word through the connection is all Ren needed to be able to take his first solid breath since he sensed her approach.

"And if I don't?"

A hint of amusement courses through their connection. It breathes new life into Ren.

"I shall remind you, Kylo Ren, that you promised to tell me anything I wanted to know. Are you going back on your word?"

A hint of a smirk crosses his lips. "Never."

She remains as cold as ice, but her lips twitch upward for a mere second. "Good. Because if you don't cooperate with us, then we shall have no choice but to try you for the murder of Han Solo."

 _You're in serious danger._ She says. _I'm going to get you out of here. Whatever you do, do not tell me the coordinates. They're listening._

He watches her carefully. "I can't give you the coordinates yet. It's the only thing keeping me alive."

"We don't need you, Kylo Ren. We can complete the map without you. Admiral Kolsho will see to that."

A tilt of his head. _Admiral Kolsho?_

Their connection floods in sorrow. _General Leia has been put on temporary leave until they figure out what to do with you. Admiral Kolsho has unofficially taken over her post._

This is bad. Kolsho. How does he know that name? It sounds like a Selkath name. A Selkath in the Resistance? Aren't Selkaths supposed to be impartial? Rey's right. He is in danger.

 _A lot has happened while we were on the island,_ she says and it hits Ren in the pit of his stomach.

"Your life rests solely in your hands." She continues. "Cooperate with us and you'll live. Failure will result in the trial and the prosecution is after the death penalty."

He suddenly feels very trapped. _What do you need me to do?_

Pleased, Rey sooths him through their connection. Her hard exterior remains intact but her eyes glance down at her side briefly. Ren sees it immediately. The lightsaber. She can't possibly be serious, can she?

_We don't have much time. We need to get to the Falcon._

Ren stares into her cold eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath before lifting out of his seat and striding about the room nonchalantly.

"It seems I don't have much of a choice," He says, staring deep into her eyes. She swallows hard and her eyes betray her for a single moment. The compassion and worry she has for him seeps out but a little. It gives him the confidence to do what he needs to do. "Or do I?"

Within the blink of an eye, Ren swings his arm out, pulling at the lightsaber with the Force and it reluctantly swings into his hand. Rey, seemingly caught off guard, gasps in fright but Ren is quick to the trigger. With his other hand he reaches out and paralyzes her in place. A sense of fright does wash over Rey, but Ren is quick to send her a sense of calm through their bond.

Igniting the lightsaber, he grabs her and pulls her back towards his chest and places the blue shaft of the saber mere inches across her neck.

 _This is the plan?_ He asks full of humor, hoping that will ease the tension he still feels within her. 

_Just be sure that saber doesn't actually touch my throat, please._

Ren smirks. _It would be really hard to kiss your neck if I sliced it, don't you think?_

The comment flusters Rey. Exactly the reaction he wanted. That and the rosy color that begins spreading across her cheeks.

"Open the cell or she dies!" Ren screams, knowing full well he can be heard.

A beat goes by and the doors stay closed.

 _Was this a part of your plan?_ He asks suddenly full of nerves.

"C'mon Poe…" Rey breathes so quietly he almost didn't hear it.

Suddenly the doors slide open and Ren can instantly breathe a little easier. But only a little. He drags Rey out, saber still in a threatening position near her throat. They have to play the part right if they're going to make it out of here convincingly. 

"Which way do I go now?" He whispers under his breath.

Rey pretends to struggle under his grasp, but minimally - her saber is merely inches away - but she starts to struggle to their left. "If you're headed for the hangar bay, you'll never make it out of here alive," she dramatically threatens.

Left it is. They scramble down the corridor and around the corner. Officers and soldiers race for them but all it takes is a quick swipe of the Force before they are thrown out of their path. Rey continues to struggle and scream bloody murder but guides him throughout the compound until they arrive safely outside at the hangar bay. Blaster shots start to ring out and Ren uses her saber to deflect their attack.

"You didn't happen to bring my saber with you, did you?"

Rey's lips twitch upward. "What do you take me for? It's repaired and on board the Falcon."

"Well then," he smirks, "what are we waiting for?"

Still playing the part, Ren drags Rey the few yards it takes for him to reach the ship. As soon as the ramp lifts to a close, he switches the saber off, but doesn't release her from his grasp right away. Instead, he takes the opportunity to smell her hair and enjoy the pressure of her body against his chest.

"Ben…" She breathes but has a hard time focusing on the task at hand. Not when he's so close and his arm is wrapped around her chest and his nose brushes against her jawline. "Ben, we have to take off."

A blast against the ship interrupts their concentration and they fall backwards into the wall, with Ren still clasping Rey against him.

"What the hell was that?" He exclaims.

"They're firing at us?!" Rey is appalled. Together they race through the Falcon's corridors until they reach the cockpit where Chewbacca already claims the co-pilot seat. She quickly jumps into the pilot chair and begins flipping switches and pressing buttons. "Hold on, everyone. This is not going to be a smooth take-off." Chewbacca roars in agreement.

Ren falls to a stop as soon as he clamps eyes on the Wookiee. A great and terrible burn courses throughout his stomach originating from his newly healed side. It's not real, Kylo knows, but the memory is fresh in his mind. It was Chewbacca who blasted him in that oscillator. How does he just sit there knowing the man responsible for murdering his best friend stands a few feet away? Swallowing his anxiety, he manages to take a seat behind Rey.

The round BB unit rolls into the room and begins chiming off a seconds worth of chatter just as Rey pulls the Falcon off the ground and zooms for the sky. The droid is airborne in milliseconds and bouncing off the walls, wailing.

"Sorry!" Rey cries out. It doesn't take much longer before she flies them out of attack range and they're zooming off into space. "Chewie, we need to get out of this system and quick." 

Chewie moans a question. Ren turns to Rey. "Yeah, where are we going?"

She twists around in her seat and when their eyes meet, a jolt jumpstarts his heart and courses through Ren's body. This girl doesn't know the effect she has on him. 

"We need to get to Luke before Kolsho does," she explains softly. "You're the only one who knows where he is."

Hesitation seizes Ren in place and Rey now knows exactly why. 

"I know you're hesitant," she says, laying a tranquil hand on his shoulder. "You know I wouldn't ask this of you if it weren't important."

She's wrong though. It's all Kylo's ever wanted in the first place. It's why he broke away from the First Order and scouted for BB-8 himself. All he ever wanted was to locate the map and find Skywalker himself so he can pay for all the damage he's caused. The thing is, Kylo never wanted to drag her into his mess. And what a mess it truly is.

Her hand massages his shoulder in a vain attempt at comfort. His heart is at war with his brain. How can Kylo confront Skywalker with her in tow?

"I can't do this." He lets her hand fall as he rushes out of the cockpit in shame.

Rey watches as he disappears down the corridor and takes a shard of her heart with him. Chewbacca moans a request.

"We hide," she replies without looking at the Wookiee, "until Ben is ready. Take us through hyperspace, then pick a neutral planet for us to hide on for a bit."

The Wookiee howls his concern.

"Don't worry. I can get the coordinates out of him. You'll see. In the meantime, we can't risk being captured by the Republic nor the First Order."

Not fully convinced, Chewbacca moans an apprehensive ok.

Rey gives his furry cheek a quick peck. "Thank you, my friend." She rushes through the corridors of the freighter until she finds Ren in the crew quarters. Seeing him standing there causes a commotion deep within her. Rey is the equivalent of a dying star; on the outside, everything appears brighter than normal but inside she is a raging fury of nuclear fusion on the brink of a supernova explosion.

With his back to her, Rey can't help but feel a sense of déjà vu. His demeanor is reminiscent of the scared child she encountered in his dream last night. Not much has changed except the scared child grew into a scared, scarred man.

"I'm sorry," he whispers without even turning around. "I hate disappointing you."

Concerned, Rey steps closer and wraps her arms around him and nuzzles into his back. "I'm not disappointed. I understand."

In equal measure, his heart swells in love with her and it drops guiltily to his stomach. "Rey… " he whines.

"You don't have to say anything right now, Ben. It's ok. I'm here."

His eyes squeeze shut, pained by his guilty conscience. "You've got to stop doing that."

She lifts off of him, concerned. "Stop doing what?"

Ren's head droops even further down to the floor. "You keep calling me 'Ben.'"

Her arms glide around his body as she twists to face him. Her eyes stare up at him hard. "That's your name."

"Is it, though?"

Her stare never falters. "Yes."

"Am I not also Kylo Ren?"

Suddenly it dawns on her and her face softens in understanding. Rey's hands slide up the length of his body, taking the opportunity to examine the curve of his muscles and the firmness of his chest. They climb until her palms nestle perfectly into his angled jaw while her thumbs stroke lazy circles on his marred cheeks. "Not to me."

Astonishment paralyzes Ren in place for a brief moment. Rey's eyes could not have been more resiliently green and in them she placed her belief in him. Deep within his heart, his identity crisis continued to wage a hellish war, but in this moment his heart knew only one thing for certain; he belonged to her, body and soul, and there was no room left for anything else.

Ren's lips crash into hers, hot and feral, sending them back, back, back until they bang into a wall. She feels incredible in real life. It hardly compares to the kiss they had on the island. Already enraptured by her soft lips, his hands pull at her waist until they are crushed together and still it doesn't seem close enough. Ren licks the seam of her lips and delves in deep when they part. She even tastes better than in the dream. 

Their connection thrums with such close proximity and the vibration ripples throughout their bodies heightening every sense within them to the max. The world around them crackles to life as the Force seems to awaken from a deep sleep and it roars to life swirling the darkness and the light until neither Rey nor Ren can tell the difference anymore. It spins around them with tornadic speeds and presses them closer and closer together until there's no possibility of separation. 

Wrapping an arm around his neck, Rey rises to her tiptoes and presses deeper into the kiss. The other hand slides around his neck until her fingers are threaded through his thick tendrils of hair pulling him closer still. The frenetic nuclear fusion within her threatens an impending explosion and she desperately craves it. She wants more. She needs more.

Her basest thoughts race through the bond to Ren who finds himself punch-drunk on lust and incapable of restraint. There is nothing else except for her. Nothing in the world. Time stands still as logic is replaced with sensation. There is no thinking, only feeling. There is no pain, only pleasure. 

Breaking for air, he hovers in her atmosphere letting her hot breath wisp across his face intimately. Unable to control his desire, he traces soft kisses across her jaw and Rey closes her eyes to soak in his tenderness. "I've wanted you like this since I first met you," he whispers into her ear before nipping at her earlobe. The confession makes her moan and it's easily the most wonderful sound Ren has ever heard. He plots to find a way to make her make that noise again.

He tries kissing the sensitive skin behind her earlobe and she shudders in response. He tries sucking his way down her neck and she audibly sighs. His hands roam farther south until they cup her taunt ass, pressing her even harder against him, and it makes her gasp. Pressure builds within him to an uncontrollable state and he groans against the wonderful spot where her neck meets her shoulder. _She feels so unbelievably good_. 

Her high-collared vest has to go. Now. He needs to feel her skin. Ren somehow manages to lift himself off of her just enough to push the thick garment off her shoulders to fall unceremoniously to the ground.

Ren raises a hand to the side of her head, throwing Rey off guard, but she's startled when her hairbands begin to snap setting her russet-colored locks free. The innocent act, much more tame than any that had preceded it, sends Rey's heart racing for no one has ever seen her with her hair down. No one. Somehow this one little act is just as intimate to Rey as letting him see her naked. 

Her insecurity shakes through their connection and captures Ren's full attention. Not fully realizing the impact of his action, he looks at her, really looks at her, and for the first time he sees the scared little girl who had been abandoned on Jakku. Suddenly, the stakes are higher than they were just a moment ago. He combs his fingers tenderly through her hair and in return she melts thoroughly into him. Watching her in a state of pure bliss turns him on so completely that he realizes he has long crossed a line past a point of no return. There is no stopping him now. He has to have her or he'll die for sure.

Gathering her hair into a fist, he gently pulls her head to the side allowing for better access to her tantalizing neck which has been begging to be kissed and sucked and bitten. She comes alive when he does, unable to suppress the noises that escape her throat. "Ben," she sighs breathlessly into his ear. 

An electric bolt shoots from his heart and shocks his body down to his groin. "Say it again," he growls against the base of her throat.

Enthralled, Rey closes her eyes and rocks her head back allowing all her other senses to take over. "Ben."

Ren rams his hips into her sending an electrical wave rippling throughout her body causing her to moan. Embracing the point of no return, she rolls her hips back into his heat. The virulent star within her pulsating, ready to rupture. 

"Again."

Gathering fists full of his dark shirt, she takes a deep breath before breathing out, "Ben."

He jolts his hips into her and she moans even louder than before, rolling her hips even harder into his heat. The dying star burning white hot.

Panting into the crook of her neck, Ren uses his free hand to grab her thigh and coil her leg around his side. He howls. "Again!"

On the brink of unraveling completely, Rey cries out, "Ben!" They both groan as he thrusts her against the wall.

It isn't enough. It's never enough but for sure this is not enough for Ren. Only one thought rattles his brain and it's his need for skin. Her skin. What would her skin feel like against his? She feels pretty damn good right now, but just how much better would she feel if she was naked and pressed against his bare chest? Ren pulls the strap of her sand-colored tank top down her shoulder as he nibbles on her. If it was off of her completely he'd have better access. More soft skin to kiss. More to taste.

Ren practically rips the utility belt off of her with his free hand and lets his fingers trail down her stomach until they reach the hem of her shirt. He briefly waits for a reaction but all he gets is punch-drunk pleasure through their connection, so he buries his fingers under her shirt in search of skin. 

What he finds comes at a shock to Ren. He lifts his head off of her shoulder as his fingers explore her body. Expecting a flat plain before reaching the twin peaks on her chest, instead he feels her stomach cave slightly inward before curving back up to her ribcage where he can easily count every bone. 

Lips swollen and panting heavily, Ren locks eyes with his scavenger girl. He shouldn't be taken aback by this discovery, but he can't help it. Her reality is one he can never truly comprehend and it breaks his heart to try to understand it. Ren always insisted that his life was rough but it was nothing compared to hers. Miniscule. Incomparable. It makes him feel so small.

Her eyes are clouded in the haze of insecurity and he can feel it writhing through their connection. If only Ren had the ability to heal this obvious scar within her. She has no need to feel insecure about her body for it's a testament to her strength and endurance. Rey is the ultimate survivor. If she can survive on her own on that third-world planet, Rey can survive anything. She can survive him.

He's not so sure he can say the same.

"Rey," he moans and presses his forehead into hers, unable to be so distant from her. 

Ren's deep dark eyes remind her of black holes, entities so small with an insane depth of gravity that crossing their event horizon sucks you in with no possibility of escape. Staring into him, she finds herself falling helplessly.

"I want you, Rey," he rasps gasping for air. "I want you in every way I can get you. And now that I have you, I realize I don't deserve you."

Her eyes furrow. "What are you doing?"

"You're surrounded by light and I'm slathered in the dark. I've done horrible, reprehensible things and I'll never be good enough for you." 

He feels the shift in their Force bond. Her growing anxiety shakes their connection. "Why are you doing this?"

Those black holes of his fill with a sad affection, "But I love the way you look at me and I love the way you believe in me. So if you ask me one more time for the coordinates to Skywalker, I'll give them to you willingly but first let me have this." His lips brush hers. "Let me have you before you come to your senses. Let me taste what the light feels like."

He bends down and kisses her so passionately she can't help but weep. "Stop!" Rey cries out as she takes a fist full of his black tank in each palm. "Why are you ruining this?"

"That's what I do. I ruin things. I ruin beautiful things."

"It doesn't have to be this way," she says frantically. "Ben! It doesn't have to be this way!"

Ren presses his lips to hers yet again, squelching the worry within her with his sweet kiss. Helplessly, she falls into a stupor and glides her hands up and down his neck, sending shivers down Ren's spine. He releases her when her nerves have settled, leaning his forehead against hers once again. "Rey of light," he rasps amorously, eyes full of internal turmoil, "my desert rose, shall we go to bed?"

Falling deep into his exorbitant gravity, she nods slowly. "Make love to me, Ben Solo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you all know, I love hearing your thoughts so please don't be shy and tell me what you think! I hope you liked it so much more than I panicked writing it. I'm just that dedicated to providing you with quality content.


End file.
